Has Dr. Rand Paul Been Abducted by Aliens?

I now know how deep-space NASA probes feel! For months, I have attempted to detect signs of life at the Rand Paul for Kentucky Senate Headquarters – to no avail.

I am hoping to get an explanation how a  man who asserted, only a year ago on Anti-War Radio, that he was a virtual carbon-copy of his father, Ron Paul, now embraces profoundly different foreign-policy positions than those of the Texas congressman.

Although I worried a bit during the primary election cycle, I tried to be understanding. After all, staffers are expensive and Dr. Paul was busy overseeing the National Board of Ophthalmology, a medical oversight committee he established in 1999 to issue certification to seven ophthalmologists, including himself. He was also giving interviews to radical libertarians like Alex “Big Foot Demolished the WTC” Jones, and appearing in videos with Iraq Veterans Against the War.

Once Paul had won the Republican Party nomination, I expected Senator DeMint or another supporter would scrounge up an intern or eager beaver to man his phones. Alas, in spite of the fact that Rand Paul is now running for a six-year term as one of the most powerful law-makers in America, attempts to reach carbon life at his campaign office continue to fail.

I was somewhat relieved to find that I was not alone in my concern for the where-abouts of Dr. Paul.  A well-penned article appeared at Salon. Intern Natasha Lennard echos my fears in a much more articulate fashion than I could hope to.

“I’m an intern, but Rand Paul doesn’t know that. Nor does his campaign office. For all they know, I’m Salon’s most influential writer. Or I could be a concerned Kentucky citizen; a potential supporter of Rand Paul for U.S. Senate with avid interest in his views on deficit spending. For all they know, I could be anyone. But Rand Paul and his campaign workers know absolutely nothing about me, because they are impossible to contact.

Last Friday, we wanted a comment from Paul about the Israeli flotilla attack (especially since his father, Ron, vociferously condemned it). But after a slew of emails, unreturned voicemails, and some rookie muckraking, we’ve heard nothing from the Rand Paul campaign — not even a “no comment.” I don’t care about his views on Israel anymore; I just want to talk to a human voice.”

So, where is the doctor? Having given up on his own campaign website and phones, I even tried to reach him through DeMint’s Conservative Senate Fund, but to no avail. Slowly but surely, I am running out of options. Perhaps he really is the Doctor, and has disappeared, along with his entire campaign staff,  in his Tardis.

More likely, Paul is on the mother-ship adjusting to the implants that Republicans hope will enable him to communicate in non-radical, non-Ron Paul Revolutionary language that might still secure the Senate seat for their Party.

The few times he has been beamed down by his RNC abductors, Rand’s bland non-answers give evidence that his body is not rejecting the Washingtonian chips and that he is making progress in the political art of communicating while saying nothing of substance.

Hopefully, news of the Salon article will reach those managing Paul’s campaign and they will understand that the doctor will eventually have to start making contact with Kentucky inhabitants if they are to have any hope of dispelling a growing sense that Rand is orbiting another planet.

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