Responding to Republican criticism of UN Ambassador Susan Rice for claiming that the Benghazi attack on the US mission and annex there had been caused by a photo of a stuffed teddy bear named Mohammed, Congresswoman Marcia Fudge, the leader of the Congressional Black Caucus and Chairwoman of the House Subcommittee on 40 Acres, an Obamaphone and a Mule denounced any attacks on Rice as “horridly and unspeakably racist.”
While Fudge could not point to any single word that was racist, she insisted that every single word used to criticize Rice was a racist code word.
“If the language is being used to criticize a black person then we must deem such language to be irreparably and irrevocably racist,” Fudge said. “Every word that is used to disguise the racist intentions of a racist political movement must be deemed a racist code word disguising the true racist intentions of the racists who make use of them.”
Congressman Jim Clyburn went even further. “The entire English language was created by slaveowners as a means of oppression. You can’t just say that one word is a racist code word or another. The whole language, every single word, letter and apostrophe in it is racist. It’s a fact. If you speak English, you’re a racist.”
Democrats rushed to conduct conference calls over this new development worried about the consequences of continuing to use the racist English language. Some called for staffing the Democratic Party entirely with illiterates, while others argued that such a measure would be entirely redundant. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz was reportedly taking Spanish lessons from Mayor Bloomberg in preparation for the Democratic Party’s shift to conducting all business in broken Spanish.
Barnard College announced that it was immediately shutting down its English literature program and burning its collection of medieval English manuscripts to protest the Saxon oppression of Africa.
Hope was however restored when Congressman Clyburn was lured out of his mansion with an offer of a 3 million dollar grant to a museum of basket weaving in his name, and was persuaded to clarify his remarks.
“All Republicans is racist,” Congressman Clyburn said, “therefore whenever they use English, they are using it to hiddenly express racist ideas. Whenever they speak, they are speaking entirely in racist code words. But when Democrats like us speak English, we’re using tolerance code words.”
And so it was settled. Anything a Republican says in English is racist. Any racial slur used by a Democrat is however a hidden tolerance code word.
Republicans responded to this development with their usual extremism by ridiculing the cry of the oppressed and refusing to repudiate their racism. A number of leading establishment Republicans however have suggested that this represents an opportunity for their party to embrace the future by switching to Spanish.
“The greatness of America is that it means the same thing in every language,” Senator McCain said. “It doesn’t matter if we say ‘opportunity’ or ‘smaller government’ in English, Spanish or Swahili. It doesn’t matter if we even call the country America. What matters is that we stay focused on our message of selling out everything that makes America, America, in the name of deregulating some 20 percent of the regulations that the Democrats imposed in the last ten years. And then not even doing that much.”
Latino groups affiliated with the Democratic Party responded to the proposal by denouncing the colonization of the Spanish language by Yankee imperialists and Attorney General Eric Holder promised that the Justice Department would investigate any instances of Republicans speaking Spanish and treat such cases as hate crimes.