How to Write About the Republican National Convention

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Pick out the types of people that you expect to find. The Wall Street banker who laughs heartily every time he sends another widow to the poorhouse, the devoutly religious used-car dealer, the closeted conservative policy wonk and the lady who claims Obama is a space alien. It makes no difference whether or not you actually encounter any of these people because these are the people you expect to encounter and so you will write about them before you even go to Tampa. You will write about them even before you look up Tampa on a map to make sure that it isn’t in Africa.

Flatter your readers by making them feel superior to Republicans in every way. Condescendingly describe their strange opinions about liberty and small government in the same way that 18th Century explorers reported on the customs of the Zulu.  The fact that they keep winning elections, like the existence of bands you abhor, movies you look down on and books you despise, reassures you and your readers that you are a superior class of people chosen by the slow march of evolution to help lift the ragged masses of gun-clingers and bible-thumpers out of the Jurassic mud. And if not them, then perhaps their college-educated offspring.

You will write about Republicans as enemies of all that is good and decent, on a mission to destroy our way of life, which consists of cowboy poetry, gay marriage, gay cowboy poetry and forcing Catholic priests to perform abortions on transsexual gay cowboys.

If you must write about the actual events on the convention stage, because the editors at your newspaper, magazine or progressive blog disguised as an online magazine actually care about that sort of thing, be sure to show your disdain for the proceedings. Convey to your readers that only a fool would confuse this parade of glib lies and subsonic racist dog whistles with the unimpeachable integrity and political heroism of the upcoming Democratic National Convention.

Tell the story that you came to tell about a party of rich white men at war with the forward march of history. When you encounter minorities, ignore them because they are only a minority of the attendees and are only there to fool you into thinking that Republicans aren’t racists. Speculate that they might actually be plain old rich white men with tans.

Pay as little attention to the speeches as possible. Everything that you need to know about what is said on the stage, including how many times Paul Ryan, Marco Rubio, Ann Romney, Mitt Romney, Condoleezza Rice, the Olympians, Artur Davis and the guy making all the announcements lied, will come to you next morning in the email from ThinkProgress or Media Matters. After a few minutes of reading through their condensed talking points, you will pass on an even more digested digest to your readers so that they needn’t waste their time actually listening to what the reactionary running dog capitalist swine plotting to destroy the icebergs with uncontrolled exhalations and bring back big band music have to say for themselves.

You are a journalist and your job is not to report on events but to tell the thoughtless masses whether the events are good or bad. It is your duty to brave the wilds of Tampa, to talk to people from flyover country who talk with weird accents and to make fun of them in your reportage. It is your mission, should you accept it, to use your experiences among the crazed masses of constitutionalists and horrible hordes of hard-bitten racists to illustrate the low character, bad morals and ugly physiognomies of the Republican Party.

And then when the balloons have been swept up and the parties have all ended, climb into your rental Prius and go home.

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  • Schlomotion

    In his coverage of the coverage of the RNC, Mr. Greenfield goes bonkers about the Black people again. However, the endorsement of cannibalism in the second paragraph is a novel idea:

    "because everyone knows that all Republicans ate racist Especially the Black ones."

    • Advocatus

      Trust me, Flippo, if you were to learn to read properly (hard as it may be for ya), it might be of some help. The sentence happens to say "… all Republicans are racist." Also there's a full stop after "racist," but it's okay don't let that stop you from spouting inane drivel as usual.

      Or did you just engage in what psychologists call "projection"?

      Carry on.

      • Schlomotion

        Ah yes. I see it has been corrected. Good show.

        • Zionista

          maybe you can be 'corrected' in whatever maximum security prison your sorry Jew obsessed butt is in

    • MikeWood

      Schlo provides a perfect example of how the left loves to demonise by misrepresenting what is said. Low lifes like Schlo have no respect for truth or accuracy of reporting which is precisely the theme of Daniel's piece.

      • Schlomotion

        Buzzword alert: The expression "truth and accuracy of reporting" always links back to Don Irvine, Chevron Corporation, Exxon, Getty, Pepsico, Mobil, Texaco, CAMERA and Charles Jacobs and their anonymously registered proxy domain Hasbara "Truth and accuracy in reporting" is Newspeak for corporate PR.

        • reader

          Schlo is quite a reflection on Obama campaign. Less disciplined and more incoherent with every passing day. The wires have crossed, the talking points are all over the place. Nothing sticks.

          • Schlomotion

            I voted for McCain.

          • Advocatus

            Who cares?

          • IsraelFirster

            In the exit poll, but Obummer in the voting booth.

          • HoR_Emperor

            I very much doubt it. And in any case your posting history shows you to be a compulsive liar, so your claim is meaningless.

          • reader

            You lied about many things, schlo.

        • HoR_Emperor

          Meaningless babble from an obsessive and anti-Semitic nut-hatch troll.

    • HoR_Emperor

      Hush, hatemongering troll.

    • Ghostwriter

      Great. More idiocy from Schlomotion.

  • Alexander Gofen

    Who cares how Commies report about any opposition (or whichever on their list)? In their view a mere existence of an opposition is already manifestation of a racism. That's the way Pravda or Izvestia report.

    Yet you must not pretend Mr. Greenberg as though the so called "Repoooblican Convention" exemplified a heroic political struggle against a vicious "progressive" opposition. For Repoooblicans are not a real opposition. Even the style of the repoobs convention was no different from the similar Soviet ones with the same massive baseless euphoria

    (We do approve of the Party's policy!)

    The real shame of America is that America does not have any opposition to Commies in any meaningful sense at all. For a true opposition party does not care how or whether it is liked by the opponent.

    The goal of an opposition is to firmly stand on the conservative platform; To carry and pass their ideas to the future generations; And to expose every crime of the opponents in order to defeat them – and to uphold the law and order of the land indeed. Repoobs grotesquely failed in all that!

    THE MERE FACT OF Romney's WILLINGNESS TO RUN AGAINST A NOTORIOUS THIEF (!) means that Romney has no human dignity! (Never mind the integrity and duty to uphold the Constitution).

    As M. Savage put it, Romney is a eunuch promoted by a party of eunuchs.

    • Ar'nun

      You are right, but the tactics you promote are off. First we have to get the Democrats permanently out of power. On the surface it may come off as one party rule. Obama is the epitome of the Leftist Politician. Once he is out of office, and the Republicans shift back towards the right (not all the way as it should be) people will wake up and stop voting for these far left extremists. The next step will be to then form an opposition party of the type you describe that bring us back to the fundamentals that made the United States the greatest country in the world.

      • Alexander Gofen

        Unfortunately, it is your tactics which is wrong – at least because your first tactical goal is unachievable: the Repoobs cannot win, especially being traitors as they are.

        1) An "election as usual" cannot be won against Soetoro just as election against Stalin could not be won. Especially in this situation of totalitarianism. Especially in this situation when a great half (the freeloaders) WILL (democratically!) elect the usurper simply because he spends the treasury for them. Only due to adherence to the Constitution we can disallow this will of "voters" to rule.

        2) Therefore the only way to rid of the usurper is to topple him by the full exposure of the crimes and terrible truth about him (rather than cooperating with him in hiding that truth).

        3) Why even to dream about restoring the repooblican majority when the usurper was allowed to proceed under the repooblican majority. When the repooblican Bush had betrayed the presidential duty to uphold the Constitution.

        4) Repooobs are a criminal enterprise which must be prosecuted and dismissed. Only a new party with this platform may have any chance to restore America.

        • HoR_Emperor

          1. Paranoid nonsense. Obama is a terrible president but he is not a totalitarian dictator.
          2. Fantasy unconnected to reality.
          3. More nonsense and fantasy, essentially an excuse to do nothing.
          4. Ah, there it is. You're a demented third-party fantasist. Grow up.

          • Alexander Gofen

            - Civilized (not yet fully corrupted) nations do have more than two parties.

            – What is really "Demented" is having specifically designated two "as though fighting" wings of one party owened by the same owner.

            – Dementia of the nation is to have NO OPPOSITION at all vis-a-vis the most grotesque into the face crime during the entire history of this nation.

        • Ar'nun

          I disagree. He will need a second term in order implement those things and he isn't there yet. The election can be won, the danger will be not allowing Romney to be just simply the next Bush. By that I mean he is a psuedo conservative who claims to be a Conservative. But any moderate initiative that fails because it is not amply Conservative enough to work will cause the blame to fall on Conservatism like during the Bush years.

          For right now, we need to stay Rebuplican, and imediately following this election break off to something like the Conservative Party USA.

          • Alexander Gofen

            You wrote:

            "The election can be won…" just because you say so? See item (1). "The democratic majority" does want the usurper!.. A "democratic" election cannot be won. Not to mention that campaigning and "election" of the notorious thief and fraud Obama/Soetoro is illegitimate in itself, and your participation legitimizes it.

            We can and must topple Obama prior to election, without an election, not taking any chances.

            "…not allowing Romney to be just simply the next Bush." – is a wishful thinking. The entire Repoooblican party is criminal. All 535 US Congress members are criminal. Romney is set to cover his and their crime forever, to let them walk away. But they must be prosecuted, and some must end with a (Stolypin) tie…

            "For right now, we need to stay Republican, and immediately following this election break off to something like the Conservative Party USA. "

            This so called "conservative party" has never been heard of on the issue of illegitimacy and forgeries of Obama – just the same way as the so called "Constitution party". They are sham… Their platform is not even near specific enough as the platform of survival:

          • WilliamJamesWard

            let's see Obama removed and then watch what takes place in the conservatve
            thrust forward in the reformation and restoration. There is a true battle brewing
            in the hearts and minds of millions of pariotic Americans who await for the
            real and true leaders………………………..William

  • Long Ben

    Since Texas was disenfranchised in the nominating process , the whole thing has a kind of taint to it in the first place . However , Romney is sure to beat the red diaper baby OBAMA! in every way . It would be a blessed moment in this Republics history if some one would ask in a very public way ( read : uncensorable ) , Barack or Barry or what ever your name is , at what moment in life did you renounce all of your Communist antecedents and upbringing ? I quess the successful smearing of the correct but ham handed Joe McCarthy would preclude any such courage .

    • dmw

      If only there were more physical "angels" (conservative sugar daddies or mommies) that would underwrite or provide the safety net for Joe McCarthy journalists. Yet, the closest thing was when FOX News rescued Juan Williams from his NPR shunning with, what, a $2M contract. One wonders what would have happened to Williams with the Roger Ailes intervention. Although I've followed Juan since the 80s and sort of like him, right thing wrong guy. Same sort of thing with the sickening Bob Beckel on "The Five" and Alan Colmes — the house liberals on salary/contract under the "got to look like we're fair and balanced" mantra. How about more: "I am what I am and what I am makes no excuses." and forget trying to get on the good side of certain people.

      • dmw

        Make that "without the Roger Ailes intervention."

    • tagalog

      I don't think President Obama is a red diaper baby. A REAL red diaper baby would be more doctrinaire than Obama is. Obama is the child of a white-girl bourgeois pseudo-bohemian dilletante and a fringe-type Third-Worlder and anti-imperialist. It appears to me as if the anti-imperialist was drawn to the white girl for reasons that could easily be debated, perhaps by, as Spike Lee called it in one of his movies, "Jungle Fever."

      • HoR_Emperor

        Yep, that sounds about right.

  • Tanstaafl jw

    There is a rumor that the DNC will not allow the sale of 32 oz. sodas at the convention. Things are tough all over.

    • Spider

      There will also be no Bibles, traditionally married people, non union members, or conservative minorities allowed.

  • tagalog

    I notice thus far, although the Democratic Party Convention has only just begun, that there is considerably less hoopla from the mainstream journalists about the Democrats and their nomination process than there was about the Republican Convention.

    I still haven't decided whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.

  • Odd

    Unfortunately, the current Republican party has veered so far right, it's one step away from becoming a fascist party. They have no sympathy for the little man. They want to crush the middle class and essentially create a corporatocracy. And yes, a lot of them are racists. But there are still sane Republicans, like Jon Hunstman. There are a lot of Republicans who think the current Republican party has gone so far to the right, they prefer Obama. By current Republican standards, Ronald Reagan would be a socialist.

    • Omar

      Wow. You are really confused, Odd. First of all, the GOP is not a "far-right" party and never will be. The GOP has many minorities who are prominent members of the party (Just ask Michael Steele, Herman Cain, Mia Love, Marco Rubio, Luis Fortuno, Allen West, Raul Labrador, the Diaz-Balart brothers, and many other GOP members who are minorities). The GOP is definitely not a "racist" party. Second, fascism is a far-left wing ideology. Fascism despises capitalism, the free-market, democracy and advocates for socialism and totalitarianism. In fact, fascism and communism are nearly identical by nature and philosophy (the chief difference between the two totalitarian ideologies is the argument of nationalism vs. internationalism). On the other hand, Republicans and conservatives advocate for limited, responsible government, individual rights, democracy and the rule of law. There is no comparison between Republicans and fascism. Calling Republicans "fascists" not only insults the GOP and its members (many of whom are minorities), but also insults the actual victims of fascism. Ronald Reagan was never a socialist. He played an important role in bringing down the Soviet Empire and communist totalitarianism. Many prominent members of the GOP honor Reagan to this day. In fact, the whole GOP still honors Reagan to this day. The Governor of Puerto Rico, Luis Fortuno, revered Reagan as his personal hero. To call Reagan a socialist is disrespectful and it undermines the hard work that he did during his presidency to free many countries from tyranny. If you want to talk about a party that is veering to the extremes, it is many members of the Democratic Party who are trying to appeal to the far-left, including some individuals and organizations that have ties to radical organizations, like Occupy Wall Street and the Democratic Socialists of America. By current Democratic standards, John F. Kennedy would be a conservative.

    • Ron Lewenberg

      Fascists are socialist. The "veering to the right" makes the GOP less socialists and corporatist and more free market.
      When you learn what fascist economics were, you have permission to comment.

  • Jim_C

    The whole coverage was pretty lame. A lot about a hurricane that didn't really do much at the time; barely anything about a pretty bitter fight between passionate Paul supporters (being literally suppressed in real time) and those feigning enthusiasm for Romney. Like it or not–that's a story. But no–mustn't upset the apple cart!

  • AnnRandy

    Moochelle Obama, First Panderer, may sound good to the base, but if you really listen, you heard patriotism without any prior love of country ever expressed, religiocity without any love of G-D, and democrat high falutin ideals without any real workable ideas of how they would be impliamented…

    Didn't sound good to me…

  • butpygmies

    "… bring back big band music …" Yes! Please! Duke Ellington compared to Hip-Hop? No contest! (Is this racist?)

  • Lisa Richards

    Daniel, This is one of the best analysis of journalism I've read! bravo!