AP Reveals Horrific Government Shutdown of Underage Dough Mixers, Racial Slurs and Ghost Trains


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17% of the government shut down and the world ended. Cats began living with dogs. Cannibalism broke out in Walmart’s food stamp aisle and everyone began shouting racial slurs at each other while mixing dough at work.

This is the horrifying world of the GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN 2013 brought to you exclusively by the intrepid Ministry of Information at the AP.

If you have a strong stomach, read on. If you are a woman of tender feelings or a child or a man given to strong outbursts of sentiment, stop now before your eyes encounter the horror that overtook America during GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN 2013.

Our food was a little less safe, our workplaces a little more dangerous. The risk of getting sick was a bit higher, our kids’ homework tougher to complete.

We had trouble getting out of bed. Our pants didn’t fit. Our socks got lost. Because the government wasn’t there to help us find them.

The “feds” always are there in the background, setting the standards by which we live, providing funds to research cures for our kids’ illnesses, watching over our food supply and work environment.

The Feds are always there. Watching. Lurking. These men and women set the standards by which we live. Without them we would be nothing more than animals, filthy animals, crawling in the muck.

At a warehouse, factory or other worksite, a young minority exposed to racial slurs by his boss had one fewer place to turn for help. Federal officials who oversee compliance with discrimination laws and labor practices weren’t working, except in emergencies.

The horror. The humanity.

You mean he had to wait a whole 3 weeks to complain about his boss to the government???

The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission was not issuing right-to-sue letters, so people could not take discrimination cases into federal court, said Peter Siegelman, an expert in workplace discrimination at the University of Connecticut’s law school.

And we call ourselves a civilized country when we couldn’t even issue right-to-sue letters.

“The afternoon before the shutdown we got a complaint of a restaurant where a … 14-year-old was operating a vertical dough mixer,” said James Yochim, assistant director of the U.S. Department of Labor’s wage and hour division office in Springfield, Ill. “We (were) not able to get out there and conduct an investigation.”

Yochim’s office also put on hold an investigation at another restaurant of children reportedly using a meat slicer.

Total casualties from the dough mixer and meat slicer are currently estimated at 0.

Children learned the meaning of shutdown when they got home and booted up computers to do homework. From the U.S. Census bureau site to NASA maps, they were greeted by alerts that said government sites were down “due to the shutdown.”

And there’s nothing that kids love more than using government websites to do homework. So basically kids loved the shutdown.

Monique Howard’s 5-year-old son, Carter, has the most trouble with his asthma at night, when his breathing is labored. Her family dreams of a cure, the kind doctors are hunting through federally funded research grants at Rush University Medical Center in Chicago.

During the shutdown, the doctors had to stop submitting grant applications to study childhood asthma and other diseases and disorders. Hospital officials said the shutdown could have delayed funding for nearly half a year.

Except it didn’t. It delayed the submission of government grant applications for three weeks. Which might have delayed the cure for asthma by three weeks assuming that any of the researchers were likely to discover one of those. Which isn’t likely considering the list of research projects funded at Rush in 2009.

On the last day of September, an empty Chicago Transit Authority train somehow rumbled down the tracks and crashed into another train, injuring a few dozen passengers. The National Transportation Safety Board dispatched investigators, and they kept working when the shutdown started the next day because they were “essential.” But the agency furloughed others whose job is to explain to the public what happened.

No one was available to “explain” to the public what happened. This was worse than Stalingrad.

The CDC slashed staffing at quarantine stations at 20 airports and entry points, raising chances travelers could enter the country carrying diseases like measles undetected.

Obama is already letting HIV positive immigrants into the country and we’re supposed to worry about measles?

Maybe next time we can try shutting down the media instead.

  • DogmaelJones1

    Daniel, you have a gift for stake-through-the-heart satire. I loved this piece.

    • Hilda

      It looks like, in response to the lack of sob stories submitted to the
      WH, which they desperately needed to help them bolster their propaganda about the shutdown, Ozero’s minions must have commissioned their toady media to do something.

      • objectivefactsmatter

        As always.

  • http://www.clarespark.com/ Clare Spark

    Wonderful piece, DG. I did my own riff on apocalypse (and I could have added induced paranoia emanating from movies and television). http://clarespark.com/2013/06/21/apocalypse-and-the-escape-artist/. “Apocalypse and the escape artist.”

  • Hilda

    Does the AP really believe Americans are that stupid? The article Mr.
    Greenfield referenced is outrageously ridiculous. But I suppose the AP
    is writing to and for all the low IQ barely graduated govt school useful idiots.

  • tagalog

    On the other hand, Wall Street seemed to weather the storm more or less unscathed, showing that government needs commerce a lot more than commerce needs government.

    • objectivefactsmatter

      Dependents need their parents. We know how to determine the relationships people have with our government according to how they react to trivial events like the “shut down.”

      View of a child? What should we infer?

  • Reverend Bacon

    I think this is the second time I’ve read a piece of yours, and the second time I’ve been quite amused. Well done.

  • objectivefactsmatter

    “Our food was a little less safe, our workplaces a little more dangerous. The risk of getting sick was a bit higher, our kids’ homework tougher to complete.”

    PLEASE NEVER HURT OUR GOVERNMENT AGAIN! WE NEED IT SO BAD!!

  • objectivefactsmatter

    “The afternoon before the shutdown we got a complaint of a restaurant where a … 14-year-old was operating a vertical dough mixer,” said James Yochim, assistant director of the U.S. Department of Labor’s wage and hour division office in Springfield, Ill. “We (were) not able to get out there and conduct an investigation.”

    What’s also hilarious is that these imbeciles don’t realize the testimony they’re providing about the high standard of living provided to US citizens.

    Wow, those vertical dough mixers are almost at dangerous as nuclear reactors. We can’t have children operating them and threatening life as we know it for thousands of years to come.

    True Americans would have used these events as a drill to prepare and plan for the day when an enemy might succeed in causing something like this. Actually, enemies are trying to cause this as we speak.

    So, you’re welcome a-holes.

  • sarah

    “Maybe next time we can try shutting down the media instead.” BAHAHAHAHAH!

    • sarah

      Shut down the Ministry of Propaganda! That’s rich.

  • Jason

    I love the Fallout picture you used. I guess that’s where America’s headed one day.