Are You Ready for a Feminist Programming Language?

Daniel Greenfield, a Shillman Journalism Fellow at the Freedom Center, is a New York writer focusing on radical Islam. He is completing a book on the international challenges America faces in the 21st century.


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What would a feminist programming language look like? Arielle Schlesinger has no actual idea. But she likes the idea of there being a feminist programming language because it seems like something that should exist.

In the scope of my research, a feminist programming language is to be built around a non-normative paradigm that represents alternative ways of abstracting. The intent is to encourage and allow new ways of thinking about problems such that we can code using a feminist ideology.

I realized that to program in a feminist way, one would ideally want to use a feminist programming language. So what is a feminist programming language? Well I took a look at the major programming paradigms, the following are the four main groups a programming language can fall into: imperative, functional, object-oriented, and logic. I decided to explore feminist logic such that a feminist programming language could be derived.

I am currently exploring feminist critiques of logic in hopes of outlining a working framework for the creation of a feminist programming language.

If this sounds like a dog chasing its own tail… welcome to academia. In another post, she muddles around for nearly as long trying to combine two things that have no connection to one another.

An important question then becomes, what does it mean to be a feminist and a computer scientist? To be a feminist and a programmer? How can we combine these disciplines?

They’re not disciplines and they have no points of orientation. It’s like asking how to combine being an NRA member and a plumber. There’s no actual overlap.

The underlying diseased thinking is the left’s obsession with politicizing absolutely everything.

In the article Making Programming Masculine, Nathan Ensminger explains how in the past computation was a field where antisocial individuals were sought out using personality profiles.

I actually recall my sociology professor claiming that computer science was patriarchal because of all the “violent” terminology involved like “Execute”, “Boot” and “Kill”.

Even though Arielle never gets around to answering her own questions, C+= a new feminist programming language has already been unveiled by the Feminist Software Foundation.

 C+= (pronounced either C-plus-Equality, or See Equality) is a feminist programming language, created to smash the toxic Patriarchy that is inherent in and that permeates all current computer programming languages.

It will have such features as…

No class hierarchy or other stigmata of OOP (objectification-oriented programming). In fact, as an intersectional acknowledgement of Class Struggle our language will have no classes at all.

On the off chance that objects do mysteriously manifest (thanks, Patriarchy!), there should be no object inheritance, as inheritance is a tool of the Patriarchy. Instead, there will be object reparations.

All functions and procedures are now called lobbying. All lobbying must be run at the right level of privilege. Before returning anything they must check their privilege. If any other lobbying is more disadvantaged than this it will win the Privilege Check and return its own value instead. This stops heterosexist and cis-gendered lobbyings from dominating the discourse.

The only constants are the amount of privilege lobbyings are share()d with. These are all real values greater than 0, the only exception is the value of WHITE_HETEROSEXUAL_CISGENDER_MALE_PRIVILEGE which is set to infinity

A new data type, diversity, is also included, which initiates by random as one of the many data types, and changes during the course of the program.

Privileged lobbyings with large arrays are penalised/-ized, their arrays removed from the heap and redistributed amongst less privileged lobbyings. This is called the progressive stack.

There is to be no debugging. We need to do away with functional-centric, bugphobic attitudes in programming. You need to accept the program the way it is.

And like any public programming project, C+= comes with a generous license.

You should have received a copy of the FSF Feminist Software Foundation License along with this program. If not, check your privilege.

(All the FSF stuff is a parody. Arielle however is all too real. Check your privilege and then check your mail.)

  • DogmaelJones1

    It’s a good thing the likes of Arielle Schlesinger wasn’t around when electrical parts were being developed. We’d have no male or female sockets or plug-ins, and we’d all still be riding donkeys to work and cooking our meals over fires of dried elephant dung.

    • Habbgun

      They were around but women who decided they didn’t need patriarchal family units usually froze to death.

      • Guy Fromage

        The good old days, in other words.

  • Smoking Hamster

    We need politically correct Unix!

    “To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the “kill” command has been renamed “euthanise.”

    The “nice” command was historically used by privileged users to give themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be “nice”. In System VI, the “sue” command is used by unprivileged users to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.

    Optionally “history” is available as “herstory.”

    The “quota” utility can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be strictly enforced.

    The “abort()” function is now called “choice().””

    http://www.sjacob.org/home/humour/PC-UNIX.html

  • Tim N

    I’ve programmed in a lot of languages. This is hilarious. I was laughing my head off reading the various “socially conscious” parts. Bits are phallic? “White Male Privilege”? Huh?
    I can’t figure out whether this is an elaborate farce or someone who is really that far out.

    • DogmaelJones1

      I shared in your laughter. I couldn’t decide whether C+ was written tongue-in-cheek as a joke or if it was meant to be taken seriously. Who else but a feminist could infuse gender into logic and mathematics? I’m betting that she believes that there’s a gender imbalance in the electrons that go zipping through anyone’s computer. Maybe she also thinks that solar flares are the Sun’s patriarchic expressions of its “maleness.” Who knows what wacko comets are whizzing through her head.

      • Suz

        C+ was a class assignment, and the name of the language is indicative of the grade received.

      • A Z

        that’s funny. Be careful what you say. A person could write a best selling parody on your comment above.

        ” I’m betting that she believes that there’s a gender imbalance in the electrons that go zipping through anyone’s computer. Maybe she also thinks that solar flares are the Sun’s patriarchic expressions of its “maleness.”

        That is just too weird to be believable 30 years ago and yet now as funny as you comment is it is a true depiction.

      • Daniel Greenfield

        http://www.physics.nyu.edu/faculty/sokal/dawkins.html

        Irigaray argues that E=mc2 is a “sexed equation”. Why? Because “it privileges the speed of light over other speeds that are vitally necessary to us”

        • DogmaelJones1

          Such as bicycle speeds?

          • Daniel Greenfield

            “What seems to me to indicate the possible sexed nature of the equation is not directly its uses by nuclear weapons, rather it is having privileged that which goes faster.”

            Like snails maybe

          • DogmaelJones1

            That was a mouthful and a brain stunter. I suspect that our subject has been infected by the James Joyce Ulysses bug. “Folicky bollicky lippity spitch says I as I down-throaty a swaggum of cool becoming beer. ” Or words to that effect. Forgive the amateurish Joycians.

  • alericKong

    It’s called ObjC

    • SCREW SOCIALISM

      Call it Objective V.

  • Habbgun

    Now we know the computer language Obamacare was programmed in. It was going to be the first software language that blamed hardware for everything until they found out there was a motherboard involved. Now to emphasize the contributions of the It’s Not Fair Sex we are renaming the CPU to the Feminist Unit.

  • Habbgun

    Now we know which programming language Obamacare was programmed in. It produces non-judgmental outcomes rather than judgmental enrollments and promised lower premiums (which informed progressives know was just a necessity Not the lower premiums just the promise of them). This was actually going to be the first programming language to point out it couldn’t operate because the underlying hardware was unfair. Then they found out that about the motherboard. So they decided to further accentuate women’s accomplishments by renaming the CPU the Feminist Unit.

  • glpage

    I wonder if Ms. Schlesinger has any idea about how programming languages came about. I very seriously doubt it. Programming languages are based in formal logic, of which Ms. Schlesinger apparently has no or very limited knowledge. She might also want to do some research about the very early development of programming languages, particularly about a lady named Grace Hopper. Adm. Hopper invented the compiler and was involved with developing some of the first programming languages. I will also hazard a guess that Adm. Hopper was substantially more intelligent than Ms. Schlesinger will ever be.

  • A Z

    WTF!

    Since when is Boolean logic encoded to be interpreted by machine language either male or female?

    • Habbgun

      Because its ASSEMBLER!!!! See how men objectivize women’s bodies? Don’t even get me started on titration….(chemistry is disgusting).

  • Albert

    Is this a freaking joke? These idiots have way too much time on their hands. It’s like saying they want to feminize mathematical formulas! Insane.

    • Guy Fromage

      I had to get about 1/3 into it, to realize that yes, it is a joke.

      But the real joke, is that it’s not immediately apparent that it’s a joke.

      • Moa

        It’s more than a joke (to programmers). It is wonderful satire on the complete Marxist bullsh!t that feminazis put out. Feminists that want to maximize life for women *and* men are fine. Feminazis are a different breed – lunatic academics (from the same Cultural Marxist university cesspools that the Democrats in Obama’s thoroughly incompetent regime spawn from).

        • Tim

          While this “feminist” programming language is ridiculous…. and a truly amazing piece of satire in the understated form of Swift…. it is also apparent you did not read Marx.

          Go read Marx.

          Source: Computer Scientist and human that read Marx.

          • Moa

            Do you even understand who Marx really was?

            http://captaincapitalism.blogspot.com/2014/02/why-you-cant-criticize-karl-marx.html

            Once you do then you realize just how bad and stupid his writing is. It’s like the Leftist muppets who are not smart enough to understand that people like Noam Chomsky, Thomas Friedman, and yes, Karl Marx are all sophistry – but under analysis their puffery deflates when tested against empirical observation, objective facts, and historical experience.

            Do you even know what Cultural Marxism is? and how it is different but related to Marxism? no, I bet you do not. Go and read Antonio Gramsci. Please. Because until you do you are well behind the eight ball. So much so that you do not even understand why I used the specific term “Cultural Marxism”.

      • Trapper

        Humor is always based on truth.

    • Daniel Greenfield

      Speaking of…

      In a passage reminiscent of a notorious feminist description of Newton’sPrincipia (a “rape manual”), Irigaray argues that E=mc2 is a “sexed equation”. Why? Because “it privileges the speed of light over other speeds that are vitally necessary to us”

      http://www.physics.nyu.edu/faculty/sokal/dawkins.html

    • laura r

      im happy if my computer works, i dont care what gender it is. when it crashes its a conpiracy. no, i didnt think this was a joke, when i got 1/2 way thru the artical i got bored.

  • A Z

    “is to be built around a NON-NORMATIVE paradigm ”

    Is there a norm that is not leftist or anti-western that they like?

  • Mach1Duck

    I think it will go into hot flashes and crash!

    • SCREW SOCIALISM

      The will demand that COBOL be renamed MIDOL.

  • Ron Anderson

    I don’t care much for parody, but I get the humor. Still, I feel the need to point out… Since no one has ever set out to create a masculine programming language, how would creating a feminist programming language accomplish equality for women? Are any of the programming languages considered anything other than neutral when it comes to sexual bias?
    Besides, the COBOL programming language was created by a female: United States Navy rear admiral, Grace Hopper.

    • SCREW SOCIALISM

      6809?

    • laura r

      i know programmers make $, but i think of tech as a masuline field.

  • nightspore

    Why not just bring back Ada?

  • Vladimir

    Yeah… Actually, it turned out to be fake and you’re stupid if you believed it for a second. Oh sorry, I forgot I was on a right-wing website.