Kill your air conditioner before it’s too late. It’s the only thing that will appease the Volcano Monster at the center of the earth. Do it quickly before your air conditioning destroys us all.
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Earlier this week, as the temperature in New York City hit the upper 90s and the heat index topped 100, my utility provider issued a heat alert and advised customers to use air-conditioning “wisely.” It was a nice, polite gesture but also an utterly ineffectual one. After all, despite our other green tendencies, most Americans still believe that the wise way to use air conditioners is to crank them up
Whereas wise Europeans respond to the heat by reading Das Kapital and dying of heatstroke.
Today Americans use twice as much energy for air-conditioning as we did 20 years ago, and more than the rest of the world’s nations combined. As a climate-change adaptation strategy, this is as dumb as it gets.
Actually it’s a fairly sensible climate adaptation strategy. Try 100 degree weather or an air-conditioned room.
Used conservatively — say, to reduce indoor temperatures to the mid-70s in rooms that, because of shortsighted design, cannot be cooled by cross-ventilation from fans and windows — air conditioners may well generate enough benefits to balance the indisputable, irreversible damage they generate. But in most situations, the case for air-conditioning is made of hot air.
It’s unfunny because it’s true. But this is how Ecofascists move the goalposts. They turn a basic necessity into something hideous and vile that should only be used in cases of urgent emergencies… like painkillers.
Eating? Yes, the elderly and small children need to do it occasionally so they don’t starve to death. But if we don’t do less of it, the planet will be consumed by the volcano monster that hates farms and air conditioners.
Recently, New York City prohibited stores from pumping arctic air out onto the searing sidewalks in an attempt to lure customers while burning through fossil fuels in suicidal fashion.
Because Bloomberg hasn’t outlawed enough things yet.
I can’t help but wonder whether cities like New York will ever prohibit stores from cooling their facilities below, say, 70°F. No doubt a law like that would raise even more objections than Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s attempt to ban big sodas, but it might well be necessary if we can’t turn down the dial on our own.
Fascism. It’s always necessary because we can just never seem to do the right thing on our own.