George Zimmerman Cures Cancer


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George Zimmerman, the Florida man at the center of the controversial Trayvon Martin case, claims to have cured cancer.

The announcement was first made on Twitter by his brother Robert and was then followed by a demonstration of the new Zimmerman cure by the man formerly on trial for the shooting of a Florida teenager during which he demonstrated the cancer cure and introduced reporters to several former cancer patients cured by his method.

Zimmerman, who claims to have come up with the cure during an intensive bout of research while waiting to be tried, is releasing it free of charge into the public domain.

Reaction to the move was swift and unanimous.

“Cancer is a white man’s disease,” said MSNBC political commentator Al Sharpton. “No black man ever got cancer unless he got it from white people. The only people a racist like Zimmerman cares about is white people.”

Time Magazine warned that the loss of cancer would actually pose a danger to public health. In “Cancer: Misunderstood?” it pointed out that for many years cancer had been a signature disease. Now that it was cured, funding for public health research would begin drying up.

“For now, Zimmerman is basking in shortsighted praise for curing a disease, but millions more will die because of the inattention to other public health crises, including AIDS, spread like a disease by his cure.”

“George musta thought cancer was black,” tweeted comedian Chris Rock. Ted Rall drew a cancer cell wearing a hoodie.

Some responses were unexpectedly sympathetic toward cancer. In “George Zimmerman Cures Cancer But at What Price?” National Geographic warned that the cure would unleash other diseases that cancer may have kept in the background. The Daily Beast ran a response from African-American cancer patients wearing hoodies and vowing not to make use of the cure. “We Would Rather Have Trayvon Martin Alive Again Than a Cure for Cancer. Slate responded with a contrarian piece, “What Was So Bad About Cancer Anyway?”

“Cancer mostly killed the old and the sick. Unlike George Zimmerman who murdered a young boy. Now his cancer cure will help old white people live longer perpetuating white privilege.”

New York Times columnist Charles M. Blow expressed concern that Zimmerman’s flashy cure had prevented black researchers from curing cancer and providing a role model for black youth.

“The shot that George Zimmerman fired with his so-called cancer cure at the black community is even deadlier than the first shot he fired by murdering Trayvon Martin,” Blow wrote. “I spoke with researchers at Harvard University’s Uni Research labs where a properly multicultural team from every race, gender and sexual orientation had been assembled to cure cancer and provide role models for children of every conceivable combination of races, sexual orientations and gender identities.”

“Sure cancer was cured,” Blow finished, “but at what price? Is cancer really deadlier than the lack of role models in our community?”

Responding to that lack of role models, the NAACP petitioned that the name of the Zimmerman cure by redistributed and renamed after George Elmer Dagwood Jr, a pioneering African-American researcher in the 1930s who claimed to have cured cancer. While the cure turned out to be sugar water, there were many who swore that the water had cured them.

Speaking at an NAACP event, Attorney General Eric Holder promised to take the proposal under advisement.

President Barack Obama appeared to have little to say about the cure. At a press conference he however offered some off the cuff remarks, saying, “George Zimmerman may find it easier to cure cancer than to cure the loss that Trayvon Martin’s parents suffered. Cancer may have been the cancer of the white community, but gun violence is the cancer of the black community. The real threat doesn’t come from microscopic diseases, but from the choices that we make. Our challenge isn’t to cure diseases, anyone can do that, but to change the bad choices that we make by outlawing guns.”

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews expressed concern that the large number of people who would no longer die of cancer would live longer to become a drain on the healthcare system.

“George Zimmerman not only killed a black man, but he may have also killed the signature legislative achievement of America’s first black president,” Matthews said.

“A cancer cure means an overloaded Obamacare system that is unsustainable. And you’ll pardon my suspicious mind, but I think that’s exactly what George Zimmerman had in mind. He wanted revenge against Obama and he got it.”

“Black people have often been referred to as a cancer,” said Toure, an accredited expert in racism. “There is this process of othering at work here. First George Zimmerman murders a black boy to get white approval and then he murders a disease that white people hate the way they hate black people.”

“The real cancer isn’t cancer,” he added. “It’s racism. And there’s no cure for that except hating George Zimmerman. And all white people.”

(This is satire. George Zimmerman did not cure cancer. Yet.)

  • Just a crackah

    BAHAHAHA!

    Sadly, that about sums up the race relationship in this twisted country.

    Well done. Thanks for cracking me up on a Sunday morning!

  • Gee

    One of the best articles I have read in a long time. Classic!

  • dawgman

    Why does everyone keep insisting that Zimmerman is white? He is of Hispanic and African background. This is racism at its worst. The white people of America are continuing to get bad press and will continue to do so as long as we have a prejudiced asshole in the White House.

    • Zoe Dune

      whats really interesting about this is that he’s using a Jewish name to cover up the fact that he’s Hispanic. Shame on him!

      • BenJabo1Machal

        It’s a Jewish sounding name of GERMAN ORIGIN,
        shame on you for being dumb

    • xpdx

      “Hispanic” is not a race any more than “American” is a race. There are black Hispanics, white Hispanics, and brown Hispanics. Zimmerman is a white Hispanic. That’s why people keep saying it.

      • WhereTheTruthLies

        Caucasian races (Aryans, Hamites, Semites)

        Mongolian races (northern Mongolian, Chinese and
        Indo-Chinese, Japanese and Korean, Tibetan, Malayan, Polynesian, Maori, Micronesian, Eskimo, American Indian),

        Negroid races (African, Hottentots, Melanesians/Papua, “Negrito”, Australian Aborigine, Dravidians, Sinhalese)

        Some include a 4th race: Australoid

        Ethnic groups range in the 5000+

    • steve001968

      For demographic purposes in the US Hispanics are considered white. There is for example no separate race called “Hispanic” in the census. So, there’s that.

    • Darrell Davis

      Hispanic is a culture not a race. So George is a White-Hispanic.

  • S7teen70six

    Thanks. I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time.

  • Honk

    Not funny! i thought cancer HAD been cured. What a letdown! You guy really suckered me.

    • Gee

      Now you will want to know the punchline about how to keep a moron in suspense.

      • WhereTheTruthLies

        Leave me alone, I’m in a round room.

  • alyssa

    People can’t be happy that he may have a cure to something that has killed millions, they always take it back to race. Drop it. Focus on something that could potentially save people’s lives.

  • Judahlevi

    That is about as upside-down as our society is. The left politicizes everything…and I truly mean “everything.”

  • Brian Madden

    WOW! I really thought he cured cancer until I got to the end. LOL! Comon, don’t joke about cancer, bro. And TREYVON MARTIN IS GUILTY!! He should be in prison right now!!! Instead he is free and making jokes about having cured cancer. you should be ashamed of yourself treyvon! murdering an adolescent for WHAT? you wanted his skittles? and you’re free. that’s sick

    • http://survivor-story.com/ Michael Redbourn

      “And TREYVON MARTIN IS GUILTY!! He should be in prison right now!!!”.

      I thought he got shot when attacking somebody?

      • Brian Madden

        Touche. My bad. :( I didn’t really follow it at all. I just heard one of em is a bad guy. Sorry.

        • B_Rodregas

          So you choose to repeat that without knowing anything else about it…. guess what?… the moron you “heard” that from has done the same…. You obviously don’t know any of the facts surrounding the incident that occured that night… The only crime George Zimmerman is guilty of is saving his own live from a violent (felony) assault… You and Tim Jordan are both morons.

    • Jakareh

      This is your own little parody, right?

      • Brian Madden

        ;) My second home is under a bridge.

  • Douglas J. Bender

    Deeeeeelicious.

  • http://survivor-story.com/ Michael Redbourn

    Why did the MSM make this a racial issue?

    ““No black man ever got cancer unless he got it from white people”.

    You don’t catch cancer!

    • Gee

      The article was a parody

  • OPEN SEASON!

    please!!! cant someone find al sharpton a job cleaning toilets?

  • http://www.facebook.com/tim.jordan.56884 Tim Jordan

    As a juror I will acquit anybody who kills George Zimmerman or any member of his family. I hope others follow my lead. We are allowed as jurors to judge things for ourselves. Let’s exterminate the Zimmerman family. I for one don’t want them on earth.

    • Mikado Cat

      Why don’t you go look for him yourself?

      Maybe he will show you his shiny new Kel Tek KSG.

    • Amerifreak

      sicko.

    • B_Rodregas

      You are a jack-a$$…. thanks for letting everyone know.

    • The truth about them

      I don’t want people that think the way you do on this earth either but I guess I just have to live with the fact that this world is full of idiots.

      • Mike Rush

        ROFLMAO !!!!

      • WhereTheTruthLies

        Oh my god, where did you get this? Tell me you’re not talented enough to make this yourself. Funnier than heII

        • The truth about them

          No I didn’t make it I swiped it from a chimper, I’ve never been close to Florida let alone close enough to trayvons girlfriend to take that picture

      • Bullbanks

        The White devil is back to his old tricks,..

  • Anamah

    Amazing and fine humor!

    Even if his name were Koch or Flemming or Salk… he would be stoned to death in our Coliseum…
    His whole neighborhood closed and his family be ban from all Florida beaches…
    Luckily he and his wife have no children so his grandchildren and grand grandchildren won’t be rejected from our public schools.

    So we can say: Life is fair in America!!!

  • Jakareh

    Brilliant!

  • Serch4truth

    I’ve seen twisted thinking but this takes the prize.

  • Jimmie1151

    I’ve read statements in comment sections that eye witness have seen George walking on top of water!

  • Mike Rush

    Well, he certainly took out at least one cancer cell…

    • WhereTheTruthLies

      after determining it wasn’t benign …

  • Jimmy

    “The only people a racist like Zimmerman cares about is white people.”

    The only people a racist like Sharpton cares about is black people. I don’t see any marches for the white BABY who was shot dead by two black low-life thugs. Where are the marches for the baby? Dam hypocrite!

    • Gislef

      He doesn’t care about black people, either. Other than Al Sharpton.

      • Bullbanks

        Al Sharpton didn’t murder a innocent White kid,…

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  • Bullbanks

    Zimmerman is a White Hispanic,.. I don’t think any race want Zimmerman!