Government Shuts Down, Nation Descends into Riots, Looting and Cannibalism

Daniel Greenfield, a Shillman Journalism Fellow at the Freedom Center, is a New York writer focusing on radical Islam. He is completing a book on the international challenges America faces in the 21st century.


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The United States of America (1787-2013) came to a swift and sudden end last night as the government shut down. The nation which had survived Pearl Harbor, the War of 1812 and Jimmy Carter ceased to exist.

The savage population, which had only been kept in line through a policy of rigorous gun confiscations, food stamps and Green Energy programs unleashed its pent up rage in a spree of riots, looting and mass murder that had only previously been encountered in Somalia.

“The government shut down! We can do anything we like,” shouted Sam Hasbley of Grassley, Iowa, while tearing the tag off a mattress despite an explicit warning label forbidding such a dangerous course of action. “Tear yours off. The government is shut down. It can’t stop you.”

Eyewitnesses spoke of further horrors. On a quiet street in suburban Massachusetts, a man brought out a set of highly illegal lawn darts. In Maryland, there were allegations that an entire family had begun digging ditches to collect rainwater runoff.

With the fall of the government, citizen activists took it upon themselves to chronicle the culture of lawlessness. Men played Gibson guitars made of wood imported from India, but not finished by Indian workers. Women bought cold medicine without a photo ID. Children went hours without hearing lectures about the environment.

The victims were many. In Chuckolod County, Colorado, a transgender person was denied access to the Ladies Room. Frantic calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to an answering service in Depar, India, instead of Doneparre City, Indiana. In Brooklyn, New York, an overweight Senegalese woman was unable to obtain a sign language interpreter while waiting on line to collect her free Obamaphone. In Olegon Falls, Florida, the National Museum of Native American Yarn was forced to shut down depriving schoolchildren of an educational experience and three hours throwing bits of yarn at each other.

And there was worse to come.

The entire city of Detroit was seized by the Michigan Militia backed by Canadian air power. The village of Frankfurt, Illinois passed several ordinances in explicit violation of Title MXVIII of the Federal Charter of Approved Fruit Naming Ordinances. North Dakota seceded and declared that it was now the nation of Bismarckia, elected a Kaiser and petitioned to join OPEC.

An army of Mongols or possibly local residents dressed in Samurai helmets raided the Federal Dried Peach Reserve in Georgia hauling away thousands of tons of dried fruit and tossed them to waiting crowds. The end of food stamps in Martho, New Jersey led to an outbreak of cannibalism despite efforts by ACORN volunteers to bring order to the proceedings by soliciting volunteers to give up their privilege and be fed to the people.

In Massey Hills, Virginia, a gang of politically incorrect sports mascots entered a workplace and implicitly hurt the feelings of several minorities. Their calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to Eric Holder’s private voicemail along with frequent messages from his coke dealer demanding to be paid, like right now, and requests for weapons manuals from several Mexican cartel bosses.

In Madison, Wisconsin, the entire United Organized Educators and Librarians Union attempted to commit mass suicide on the front lawn of the Madison Center of Union History to protest budget cuts and school closings. Their efforts proved in vain when the gasoline they poured on themselves in a failed attempt at self-immolation turned out to be apple juice.

In Caplow City, Maine, President Gerald Ford, long thought dead and believed to have been buried in Michigan, appeared and declared himself to be the nation’s new leader. While some suspect him to be an impostor based on the plastic texture of his mask which has a hastily erased message reading “Impeach Nixon” on the side, the city fathers have chosen to embrace the possibilities offered by Emperor Ford and have set him up in style in a presidential palace on the eight floor of the Caplow Arms Hotel.

In the midst of all this chaos, a weary nation’s eyes turn to Washington D.C. But since the shutdown, which also shut off all power, water and press releases to the embattled city, no word has reached the outside world of what is taking place there. The last message was a smoke signal dispatched by Elizabeth Warren from the roof of a burning Capitol Building. An expert in Native American smoke signals decoded it to read, “I told you so. Now we’re all doomed.”

The only surviving member of the national government outside the dead zone is believed to be Vice President Joseph Biden who showed up on a beach in Waddiddi, Florida, where he has spent hours entertaining himself by building an elaborate 1/100 scale model of the White House out of sand. Attempts to inform him that the tide was coming in have fallen on deaf ears.

As the nation descends into chaos, one thing is clear. The government shutdown has once again doomed us all. Just like the last 17 times.

  • Gee

    Simply OUTSTANDING!!! Five starts for this one

    • nomoretraitors

      Six stars

      • Gee

        Stars – yes – damn typos

  • Drew12

    Love it!

  • Boots

    I don’t know… my dogs woke me up just like their wristwatches told them it was time… we went for a run… and our neighborhood didn’t lay in ruins much to our surprise (my dogs watch the news so they expected total chaos). We were certain this would be our last walk in civilization as we know it. So I went in to work as planned and we’re still taking care of our customers who seem to be surviving the shutdown. Thank you Mr Greenfield for letting me know our little island of peace isn’t the norm. I was sure the world was going to end.

    • nomoretraitors

      Maybe it is going to end. MSNBC’s Facebook page has loads of entries on the shutdown (all blaming Republicans of course)

  • v

    Excellent. Propagate more of that so more people realize the stupidity of our government and of course its officials, particularly Obama and Harry Reed. Although I would like to spell his name “Read” as in past tense.

    • nomoretraitors

      With the results of the ’12 election, I seriously doubt the ability of the populace to know stupidity when they see it

      • Boots

        They’re either too stupid or too owned from being on the government entitlement plantation.

  • ziggy zoggy

    And in a related story, Benjamin Netanyahu went to the U.N. and promised to destroy the Iranian nuclear weapons facilities. Soon.

    N@zi loving lunatic Diane Worst sent an army of trolls out to spam his Facebook page.

  • truebearing

    “In Madison, Wisconsin, the entire United Organized Educators and Librarians Union attempted to commit mass suicide on the front lawn of the Madison Center of Union History to protest budget cuts and school closings. Their efforts proved in vain when the gasoline they poured on themselves in a failed attempt at self-immolation turned out to be apple juice.”

    True story! I was in Madison, planning to rob the people lined up at a health care exchange, and witnessed the whole thing. After they failed to ignite, it got even uglier. Governor Walker’s operatives released a huge clould of man-eating fruitflies that descended upon the teachers and ate them, the gay ones first, naturally. The swarm also ransacked Whole Foods, so I couldn’t get my organic berry mix for the drive home.

    Great piece, Daniel! :)

  • JCS

    Hahahahahahaha!

  • Guy

    Progressive and proud. Opposite of progressive is regressive, i.e. – YOU!

    • Sharps Rifle

      Got sand in your diapers, troll?

    • objectivefactsmatter

      There’s more than one definition of progressive. The opposite of you is the sane person.

      • truebearing

        Don’t make fun of little Guy. He knows two big words, and he’s gonna use’em for all he’s worth!

    • truebearing

      I hate to breaking it to you Scarecrow, but being a Progressive doesn’t mean that you, or any other idiot so deluded, is automatically progressive.

      Is the use of negative eugenics — abortion, sterilization, mass extermination — sound progressive to you? Well, why then have Progressives advocated these ruthless, barbaric things? Why did that great pioneer of Progressivism, Margaret Sanger, advocate using abortion to eliminate blacks and other “inferior races?” Does that sound progressive to you, little guy?

      Is Nazism progressive too, since they learned all about negative eugenics from American Progressives? What say you to that FACT, Guy?

      I’ll bet you’re even prouder now. Either that or too politically sociopathic to care….and probably too stupid.

      • Seek

        The notion that Nazism is “progressive” liberalism is so laughable as to be not taken seriously. Maybe Jonah Goldberg still peddles that nonsense, but here’s a tip: Nazism is collectivism of the Right. Communism is collectivism of the Left.

        Maybe instead of insulting people, you can pick up a few serious books.

        • https://twitter.com/WSPISFA WSPISFA

          Perhaps it is YOU that needs to read a non-revisionist textbook written by your communist progfessors. NAZI is an acronym, translated from the German as National Socialist (far left) German Workers’ Party.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Bryan-Schmick/100000836170959 Bryan Schmick

          Communism has never existed above a small scale level. Socialism is the actual government chosen by evil countries led by such people as Stalin, Lenin, Mao, Kim Il Sung, and Hitler.

          Progressive is just the latest name chosen by Democrats after the Socialists ruined the Democrat name, and then ruined the liberal name.

        • truebearing

          Goldberg would mop the floor with you, but since he isn’t here, I’ll do it for him.

          Maybe you should pick up a book on reading comprehension. Nowhere in my comment did I say Nazism is progressive liberalism. I did point out, quite accurately, that the Nazis were schooled on eugenics by American Progressives, like Sanger.

          Hitler was a fan of Marx, as was Mussolini. Both saw in Marxism what all tyrants see: an opportunity for totalitarian power. They simply modified Marxism into a nationalistic collectivism instead of transnationalistic. The truth is that the closest Marxism has come to being put into practice is Fascism. Lenin, Stalin, Hitler, et al. were fascists. True Communism has never existed, and Marxism is just Fascism dressed up with a lot of convoluted lies about an egalitarian utopia, used to fool the fools too stupid to figure it out.

          The Right is about small government, individual rights, representative government, and capitalism, not to mention a huge Christian influence. Nazism is socialistic, statist, collective to the point that the individual has no value, inherently hostile to capitalism, and diametrically opposite to Christianity. How can Nazism or collectivism be on the Right side of the political spectrum? LOL!!! Collectivism of the Right….thanks for the laugh.

          You’re still falling for the talking points used by pre-WWII German communists as they attempted to discredit the Nazis. Talk about someone in need of reading some serious books.

          Maybe instead of insulting your own intelligence, which I agree is easy to do, you should inform yourself BEFORE you blather. Try starting with Dick and Jane, then work your way up from there.

        • objectivefactsmatter

          “The notion that Nazism is “progressive” liberalism is so laughable as to be not taken seriously.”

          Few progressives are progressive. Few liberals are liberal. Let’s just say that National Socialism is firmly in the leftist camp.

          “but here’s a tip: Nazism is collectivism of the Right. Communism is collectivism of the Left.”

          There is no such thing as “collectivism of the right.” Where did you invent that?

          Communism is international socialism. The German National Socialist Party was National Socialism. Just like the Democratic Party wants the USA to be, except of course for the communists who want to destroy our federation entirely.

          The ONLY reason anyone can get away with the argument that “Nat Soc is from the right” is that they opposed the Soviet Communists and simple minded people could not see that the left-right chamber paradigm does not necessarily fit when comparing 2 nations to each other just because they’re at war.

          “Maybe instead of insulting people, you can pick up a few serious books.”

          Serious leftist propaganda? What did you have in mind?

    • https://twitter.com/WSPISFA WSPISFA

      “Progressively communist” is nothing to be proud of…
      ask any cancer AIDS or neuromuscular disease patient how much to want to hear that their illness is “progressive”

    • Jakareh

      This is the definition of “progressive” that applies to you.

      Medicine/Medical continuously increasing in extent or severity, as a disease. Example: Pancreatic cancer is a progressive malignancy and highly resistant to treatment.

  • Sharps Rifle

    I love it! Anyone want to bet how many of those posts on MSLSD’s Facebook page are from the same troll-bots who “follow” O’Stalin on Twitter? Based on MSLSD’s viewership numbers, they should legitimately have only five or seven Facebook followers, so I’ll be the whining and gnashing of teeth on FB is astroturf.

  • davarino

    Now that is funny stuff. Its funny because it has elements of truth to it that the left cannot stand to hear.

  • justathought22

    Wonderful. Just wonderful.

  • Rae

    this is just the beginning of a revolution.

  • Gary Jenkins

    One thing is clear:

    Jewish radicals (many loyal to Israel) have been victorious in financially and culturally destroying traditional White America (Like they did in pre-WW2 Germany)

    The White Liberal motto is: “Embrace diversity AT ALL COSTS, even if it means compromising one’s own safety and standard of living, and even when non-Whites put their own racial interests first.”

    Why are so many Whites celebrating diversity as they slowly become minorities in nations founded and built by Whites? White taxpayer money is being used to help fund diversity. In other words, Whites are paying to replace themselves by
    non-Whites.

    Upshot? Whites are paying to become a minority! (read INSANITY)

    And they are celebrating it!(read EXTREME INSANITY)

    Do non-Whites flock to White majority nations because Whites usually build the most desirable societies?

    Is every race capable of building/maintaining a 1st world nation? (e.g. Detroit) Ever thought minorities are privileged to live in White majority societies?

    What’s stopping minorities using their increasing wealth and power to promote their own interests at the expense of Whites? Minorities WILL NOT reciprocate the compassion and tolerance Whites have shown. (this cannot be emphasized enough)

    I can’t wait to see the look on White Liberal faces when Whites become a
    minority. Their multi-culti, Utopian dreams will come crashing down around
    them.

    • objectivefactsmatter

      “Jewish radicals (many loyal to Israel) have been victorious in financially and culturally destroying traditional White America (Like they did in pre-WW2 Germany) The White Liberal motto is: “Embrace diversity AT ALL COSTS, even if it means compromising one’s own safety and standard of living, and even when non-Whites put their own racial interests first.”

      Dumbass, the West is known as Judeo Christian for excellent rational reasons. You can’t logically make an enemy out of leftists and of Israel. That’s a key salient in the left right divide as well as the West vs. Islam war. Leftists do NOT want you to embrace the diversity of Israel, they want you to embrace cultures that are aligned with them to destroy capitalism and European (or non-Muslim) cultures.

      Yes, there are leftists in Israel that hate it. It’s conservatives in Israel that support Israel’s existence and oppose the leftists.

      You can’t logically fight on both sides but logic doesn’t seem to be a big concern of yours. No, leftist Jews do not go around trying to manipulate public opinion in favor of Israel. The opposite is true. Jews are culturally divided along the same lines as other European Christians and those who’ve adopted Judeo Christian culture. Which is to say along the Utopian vs. conservative realists that want to preserve the American constitution or Biblical values depending on who we’re talking about and there isn’t a lot of difference between them in the West or in Israel.

      You’re fighting everyone and you can’t even get basic facts straight.

  • Gary Jenkins

    Nazi’s build 1st world nations. Jews ruin them.

    • objectivefactsmatter

      “Nazi’s build 1st world nations. Jews ruin them.”

      Talk about crackpot comments. You’re hear to remind us how dumb antisemites are?