Great News: UN Will Fight Racism in Soccer

Some of these days you probably wake up wondering what is the UN good for. Sure they have a nice flag and every now and then they take a photo of themselves next to some hungry kiddies who starve to death as soon as they leave, but can the UN actually do something useful?

Absolutely, the UN replies to the imaginary question that you didn’t ask. The UN can fight racism in soccer.

The UN has tried to fight genocide. It has tried to fight world hunger. It has tried to fight internal corruption. But now it’s going up a target it can take on; soccer hooligans. And if the UN’s track records holds steady, everyone in soccer will be completely racist in 5 years while the UN will have doubled its budget.

The U.N.’s top human rights official has joined some soccer officials and players in calling for an end to racism in sport.

U.N. High Commissioner for Human Rights Navi Pillay says racist insults and chants, Nazi salutes, petitions against players and denial of hiring based on color are deplorable. She says they’re “particularly damaging” because of the importance of sports for young people.

Can’t we all agree that Nazi salutes are bad without the UN getting involved? Is this really a job for the UN? Doesn’t the UN already have about a billion actual human rights issues involving mass murder and systematic repression to deal with?

Has it solved the problem of Islamic Sexism that it can safely move on to holding hearings on “Insert Disliked Football Team of Your Choice” Fans?

AC Milan midfieder Kevin-Prince Boateng today told the United Nations that racism is a “dangerous disease” with no easy cure.

Boateng warned the UN that racism remains a very real problem in the 21st century.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are in the year 2013 and racism is still amongst us and is still a problem,” he said.

No way! Really? This is absolutely amazing. I have to put on my press hat with a card in it and rush to the nearest telephone booth to wire the news to my editor. It should hint the front page of the city paper’s evening edition.

“It’s not simply an argument for the history channel or something that belongs to the past or something that only happens in other countries. Racism is real, it exists here and now.”

I’m just shocked. I had no idea. I thought that racism went out with top hats but this brilliant soccer player who has not in any way hit his head too many times getting out of a car is telling me that it still exists.

Describing his experience of playing around the world in his club career and for Ghana, Boateng compared fighting racism with the battle to contain malaria.

“There is no vaccine to fight this and no antibiotics to take,” he said. “It’s a dangerous and infectious virus which is strengthened by indifference and inaction.

“When I played for Ghana, I learned how to fight malaria. Simple vaccines are not enough. You also have to dry out infected areas where the carriers proliferate.

“I think that racism and malaria have a lot in common.

How well has the UN done against malaria? Right. So this will go well. The UN can just spray soccer stadiums with DDT.

  • Mary Sue

    UN fails at everything. Takes on something it will only fail at harder.

    • AdinaK

      Yes, the kleptocrats, hard at "work" again, just like they dealt with Abbas's putsch at the UN –

      These are the same world thugs who gave a "peace" prize to the godfather of suicide terror, Arafat. Yes, they will fight "racism". The very same halls wherein "Zionism is Racism" was coined.

      Adina Kutnicki, Israel

  • Mario Balotelli

    Downplaying the fight against racism is bad, and you should feel bad Mr. Greenfield. This article makes you sound like you've never watched a soccer game in your life, and clearly you don't know how bad of a problem it is in Europe. Maybe its not a job for the UN, but European Footballs governing bodies haven't done enough on their own to curb racism in the game.
    Crowds throw bananas at African players and make monkey gestures towards them. Entire sections of arenas, thousands of spectators, making stereotypical monkey noises towards black players is not acceptable in 2013, and you should know better than to act like its not a problem.

    • Toni_Pereira

      Well, Mr Balotelli(if you really are Mario Ballotelli), racism can be a pain but hypocritical sanctimony is the real problem.Stop whining and play ball.

      • Richard_Malley

        No, racism is the real problem…in fact, if it weren't for racism there wouldn't be any sanctimony about racism.

    • Daniel Greenfield

      Soccer fans have acted like asses for a long time. So do baseball fans in the US.

      I don't think being a jackass requires UN intervention.

      • Richard Malley

        The more people fighting racism, the better. Why would you be up in arms against people AGAINST racism? No matter how useless the UN is…its still SOMETHING.
        "People are racist asses, SO WHAT?"
        Just because somethings happened for a long time doesn't mean its something that should be tolerated. I mean, you make it sound like its some sort of tradition.
        that's how your comment came across.

        • Daniel Greenfield

          Is it better really?

          Does more people fighting lead to peace?

          • Richard_Malley

            Yes, when you're fighting RACISTS.
            Fighting should be in the figurative sense…like protesting, shouting at nazis, etc.
            No matter how little the UN will do, we shouldn't scoff at their efforts.
            At least they're coming out in support against something bad. We need more of that in the world, and it shouldn't matter who's doing it.

          • Daniel Greenfield

            More people shouting always diminishes social conflict.

          • Richard_Malley

            Yes, ignoring a situation and castigating others for their efforts always diminishes social conflict.

  • Mark

    Maybe the UN should spend there time and money and stop racism in countries instead of sports. Is it because the UN has failed everywhere else that they decided to pick on soccer? How about stopping the racism in darts and lawn bowling.

    • Richard Malley

      Sports happen inside countries,
      Yes, they SHOULD stop racism in darts and lawn bowling too.

  • RUI

    That "U" definitely stands for "useless".