How to Keep a Bloomberg at Bay


There are reports that Mayor Bloomberg received letters that tested positive for Ricin. I’m sure his butler and his butler’s butler and his butler’s butler’s assistant are all very worried about their health.

Not Bloomberg though who is immune to Ricin, the Ebola virus, cholera, nerve gas, u-238, foxglove, typhoid fever and a plague of rabid bats.

Sending Bloomberg barrels of Ricin is absolutely useless. But farmers out on Staten Island say that putting a pinch of salt in front of their doorsteps will keep him away for a week. The salt has to be replaced every time it rains and they say that sea salt works best. Bloomberg hasn’t shown his face there in a while so the salt is probably doing its job.

Reports that Bloomberg can be kept away by wearing cloves of garlic are untrue. Bloomberg can stand exposure to garlic and sunlight. However anything with a lot of calories will send him fleeing into the night. If you walk down the street wearing a string of ketchup packets around your neck, no Bloomberg can harm you. If you light up a cigarette while doing it and swig from an open bottle of liquor, you can hear his thin keening cries of pain drifting up or down all the way from 77th Street.

If you find yourself being chased by Bloomberg late at night, instead of trying to run, bend down and erase a bicycle lane. Bloomberg will compulsively redraw it, leaving you free to enjoy your evening.

You can also distract Bloomberg by picking up a soda can and exclaiming, “I bet this is good for me.”

If you find yourself backed into a corner, grab a restaurant menu without any calorie information next to the servings and recite over and over again, “It’s only a tiny little steak. How many calories could it have.” If you truly believe it, then Bloomberg will vanish in a puff of smoke and be reborn as an ashtray.

Other charms and unguents efficacious for deterring Bloomberg include, NRA decals, a dash of water from the Gowanus canal, cars that aren’t energy efficient, two ostrich feathers tied together, a photo of Rudy Giuliani, a rare Madagascar blue chicken born at midnight and the United States Constitution.

If your demesne is haunted by Bloomberg, try and lure him into a private jet with a trail of urban reform studies, fly him to Shanghai and hope he adapts to his native habitat in the Communist Party.

  • Roger

    Liberal control freaks like Bloomberg make me tempted to eat at McDonalds again, with extra salt on my super sized fries.

    • nemesis

      Why not make him eat them instead?

      • Roger

        As we all sit with over sized containers, slurping our sugary drinks?

  • UCSPanther

    How hard would it be convert this song so that it is about Bloomberg:

  • ziggy zoggy

    Just put a wrench or screwdriver in his hand. That ponce has never done a lick of real work in his life. He'd collapse into a fetal ball and suck his thumb.

    • onecornpone

      You misspelled fecal… ;)

  • onecornpone

    Thanks Daniel… This one had me falling off my chair laughing.

    I miss Grammatico's pieces at Big Journalism. Sweet memories of uproarious laughter.

  • Rifleman

    Keeping him out of public office would be a good start. Pelting him with pies and 16oz cups of coke every time he sticks his head outdoors might make him decide to mind his own business too, though I'm not sure of the legality of that one. Though poetic, chucking salt shakers at him would definitely be a bad idea, as that might injure more than his pride.

  • Mary Sue

    There's only one way to keep bloomberg away.

    Blasting Rush, Glen Beck, Sean Hannity, Mark Levin, etc, on the radio all day long.

  • Americano

    How about if Doomberg is waterboarded with a Super Big Gulp?