The United Idiots of America, in conjunction with the Sierra Club, Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and a bunch of other organizations that no one had ever heard of before held a “Forward on Climate” rally. No one including the organizers appeared to know what this meant or how it’s possible to go forward on a climate.
The rally participants, mainly bored college students, were united in their opposition to the Keystone Pipeline which would create jobs for working class people. And united in their stupidity. One sign read, “Read My Lips, No New Carbons”, apparently protesting the element. Unfortunately every time lips are opened and words come out, so do new carbons.
Another sign demanded, “Fight Climate Chaos.” Refusing to cooperate, the weather in Washington D.C. dipped below 30 degrees forcing the assorted idiots to shiver while listening to speeches warning that the icebergs on the pole were melting. Again.
There were idiots dressed as polar bears and one idiot dressed up as a whooping crane. Occupiers showed up in black hoodies with their faces covered, not so much as a disguise, but for warmth. The Forward on the Climate or For the Climate or Away from the Climate rally was a real cross-section of American idiots. There were electric bicycle salesmen, yoga instructors, Quakers and environmental science students.
Lots of white people raised their fists in the air in solidarity with something. Possibly the climate. Robert Redford wrote an editorial in support of the protest, but didn’t bother flying a private jet over to take part. There was an awkward dance party. There were a few obligatory giant puppets. Everyone was cold, but everyone pretended that the planet was burning up.
Kids roped in by their idiot parents shivered while holding up signs about solar power. College students swarmed around the buses that brought them and texted while old hippies made speeches. There was a giant model of a pipeline or maybe a windmill. No one could tell. And there were lots of signs about how everyone loved Mother Earth.
Finally they all went home, leaving behind trash and not much else. Rally organizers estimated turnout at 35,000 people which would hardly be worth reporting on if the media wasn’t compulsively pushing an agenda. Getting 35,000 freezing idiots in a single place to protest how hot the planet is becoming is only noteworthy as a punchline.