Iran Invents Time Machine, Fears Being Ripped Off by China

Daniel Greenfield, a Shillman Journalism Fellow at the Freedom Center, is a New York writer focusing on radical Islam. He is completing a book on the international challenges America faces in the 21st century.


On the heels of Iran’s invention of a photoshopped superamazing fighter jet that turned out to be mostly plywood and Adobe, comes the next inevitable step… a time machine.

Ali Razeghi, a Tehran scientist has registered “The Aryayek Time Traveling Machine” with the state-run Centre for Strategic Inventions.

If you’re wondering why the Centre would accept that registration, it’s because…

As the managing director of Iran’s Centre for Strategic Inventions, Razeghi is a serial inventor with 179 other inventions listed under his own name. “I have been working on this project for the last 10 years,” he said.

So he’s been working on this since the age of 17.

Razaeghi, 27, said the device worked by a set of complex algorithims to “predict five to eight years of the future life of any individual, with 98 percent accuracy”.

So instead of a time machine, it’s a bunch of computerized acturial tables, which these days are also computerized. This is a stunning invention only if you’re from 1783. And not even then.

Razeghi says Iran’s government can predict the possibility of a military confrontation with a foreign country, and forecast the fluctuation in the value of foreign currencies and oil prices by using his new invention.

Or they look into a crystal ball. Either one would work as well. You can statistically forecast the future but only by projecting based on existing variables which are always necessarily incomplete.

Naturally Islam comes into it sooner or later.

“This project is not against our religious values at all. The Americans are trying to make this invention by spending millions of dollars on it where I have already achieved it by a fraction of the cost,” he said. “The reason that we are not launching our prototype at this stage is that the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight.”

Yes. We wouldn’t want China making low-budget time machines that don’t travel in time but use existing information to project probabilities. These amazing inventions are called computers and China already makes most of them.

The exit question is whose idiot nephew is Ali and has Iran hit on a brilliant plan to make themselves look ridiculous in order to avoid a preemptive strike on their nuclear weapons program?

  • flychem

    why don't they go back in time, say jerusalem 1947, plant their nuke, come back to 2013 and set it off!

  • ziontruth

    "So instead of a time machine, it's a bunch of computerized acturial tables, which these days are also computerized."

    Hey, cut him some slack, at least it doesn't need 1.21 jiggerwatts to power it! And it's quite an achievement, isn't it, when they finally invent something that works…

  • Mike

    Maybe he calls it a 'time machine' because of the decade hes invested in it. Next week he may debut his 'sleep machine' since he's also invested decades in trying to perfect it by closing one eye at a time. Oh the joy in sharing life together on the same planet, eh. Who can accurately measure it ?

    • objectivefactsmatter

      "Maybe he calls it a 'time machine' because of the decade hes invested in it."

      A time machine that wasted 10 years of his life.

      "Oh the joy in sharing life together on the same planet, eh. Who can accurately measure it ?"

      My next invention will be a machine that objectively measures the joy and peace of Islam.

  • objectivefactsmatter

    "The exit question is whose idiot nephew is Ali and has Iran hit on a brilliant plan to make themselves look ridiculous in order to avoid a preemptive strike on their nuclear weapons program?"

    That has to be it. These people can't possibly have anything to do with quantum mechanics. They can't be a threat. Leave them alone.

  • Toni_Pereira

    Holidays in Iran must be like a trip to Disneyland.