Any day now, we’re going to beat China. And we’re going to do by abandoning all that science nonsense and working to ensure that all our scientists are coded by race, gender, sexual preference and number of imaginary people they think are chasing them around the room. We’ll put ideology above science and we’ll win just like the USSR did.
In December, I wrote about Obama’s plot to hijack 500 million dollars from the NIH’s medical research budget to promote diversity, because who needs to cure cancer, when you can have 500 million bucks worth of diversity instead?
Now that 500 million bucks comes with a whole new bureaucracy, including a Chief Officer for Scientific Workforce Diversity, a title that comes straight to you from Oceania’s Airstrip One where the clocks always ring thirteen and Crimethink against Big Brother leads to a face full of rat.
What abilities must the Chief Officer for Scientific Workforce Diversity possess, besides the ability to laugh at himself?
“I intend to appoint a nationally-renowned scientist to develop a comprehensive vision and strategy to strengthen our biomedical research enterprise through more diversified scientific applicant pools, pipelines and investigators. The chief officer will also expand recruitment methods and retention strategies, guarantee the fairness of peer review, and help promote inclusiveness and equity throughout the biomedical research community.”
There’s no question that we must being inclusive equity to our pipelines. Just imagine the horror when a team of scientists discovers a cure for cancer… and it turns out that none of them are Lesbian or Latino.
We’ll have to scrap the cancer cure, delete all their work and start all over again to create good role models for the children.
Fortunately we may already have the perfect candidate to be the Chief Officer for Scientific Workforce Diversity.
He comes from a working class family and though lacking in formal scientific training caught the eye of his progressive government bosses with his Can Do attitude. His bold new theories promised to revolutionize agriculture and feed the hungry while aiding the cause of Socialism. Ruthless when it came to “deniers” of his theories, he defended science by having many of his opponents locked up or put to death. Unfortunately the man himself is also dead, but in the name of diversity should we not also include the undead in our search?
It’s settled then. Zombie Lysenko will be Obama’s perfect Chief Officer for Scientific Workforce Diversity. If it worked for Stalin, it can work for Obama.