Ready for Hillary is the Hillary for 2016 PAC chaired by a sweatshop owner and a sleazy lawyer. And attempting to copy the success of the Obama clothing and crapware line, Ready for Hillary is rolling out a nightmarish collection of horrors.
1. Nothing says candidate like a creepy disembodied head based on a badly photoshopped picture floating on a gray background with bright red lettering.
Is it an ad for a horror movie? Is it a haunted reusable bag from Whole Foods that accidentally swallowed a demon spirit in the Tanzanian coffee aisle?
Don’t try to look at this unholy love child of a Madonna album cover and a yarn bag from hell. Once you do, its eyes will follow you everywhere you go. And there is no escape.
Only 35 dollars.
2. This asphalt gray unisex shirt is union made and really communicates something. Unfortunately the thing it communicates is that Hillary, like an alien chest buster, is staring out of your chest and asking if you’re ready for the former First Lady to burst through your skin and begin a murderous campaign of devouring human flesh.
Designed in East Berlin by former Stasi agents, the t-shirt perfectly captures the sense of ironic despair that characterizes Hillary’s campaign. Ready it proclaims. For what? Oblivion? Death? A zombie invasion? No one knows. But the gray sucks you in. The old smiling photo floating on a dreary abyss of hopelessness.
To wear this shirt is to accept that life has no meaning.
3. This morning this button said, “Farber Home Insurance.” But now it wears Hillary’s face. Ready, it says in red letters. Telling, not asking. The toaster now only makes bread with Hillary’s pixel printed face on it. The television keeps showing staticky reruns of Hillary’s campaign speeches. And the dog’s barks have begun to sound curiously like her.
I opened all the envelopes, but they were blank except for a sheer of paper with READY printed on it in red. The phone no longer works. Instead of a dial tone, I hear the whisper of old Hillary talk show appearances hissing over the lines.
Tomorrow, millions of Americans will look into their mirrors and see Hillary’s face looking back at them. “Ready?” she will whisper.