Not only is the planet not in immediate danger of exploding because of Global Warming unless John C. Beale saves us from it, but John C. Beale also wasn’t a CIA spy in Pakistan, he never caught a fish that was that big and his girlfriend, whom you’ve never met, does not live in Canada.
But once you tell a lie for a living, it can be hard to stop.
That was the problem faced by John C. Beale, who was paid to be an ecoscammer for the EPA, so he decided to lie about not doing the job that was a lie. And then it all got confusing.
The EPA’s highest-paid employee and a leading expert on climate change deserves to go to prison for at least 30 months for lying to his bosses and saying he was a CIA spy working in Pakistan so he could avoid doing his real job, say federal prosecutors.
Unfortunately Beale’s real job involved lying to the American people. So he was lying to avoid lying. It’s almost moral.
John C. Beale, who pled guilty in September to bilking the government out of nearly $1 million in salary and other benefits over a decade, will be sentenced in a Washington, D.C., federal court on Wednesday. In a newly filed sentencing memo, prosecutors said that his “historic” lies are “offensive” to those who actually do dangerous work for the CIA.
Also his claims about cow flatulence endangering the planet are offensive to cows.
“With the help of his therapist,” wrote attorney John Kern, “Mr. Beale has come to recognize that, beyond the motive of greed, his theft and deception were animated by a highly self-destructive and dysfunctional need to engage in excessively reckless, risky behavior.” Kern also said Beale was driven “to manipulate those around him through the fabrication of grandiose narratives … that are fueled by his insecurities.”
Grandiose narratives? Like pretending that the planet will burn up unless we all bike to work?
Two new reports by the EPA inspector general’s office conclude that top officials at the agency “enabled” Beale by failing to verify any of his phony cover stories about CIA work, and failing to check on hundreds of thousands of dollars paid him in undeserved bonuses and travel expenses — including first-class trips to London where he stayed at five-star hotels and racked up thousands in bills for limos and taxis.
Why would they? They were neck deep in their own lies.
Until he retired in April after learning he was under federal investigation, Beale, an NYU grad with a masters from Princeton, was earning a salary and bonuses of $206,000 a year, making him the highest paid official at the EPA.
Not to mention the CIA and MI6.
Beale perpetrated his fraud largely by failing to show up at the EPA for months at a time, including one 18-month stretch starting in June 2011 when he did “absolutely no work,” as Kern, Beale’s lawyer, acknowledged in his court filing.
Considering that the EPA’s idea of work is manufacturing frauds and storming guitar factories with guns drawn… that was a good thing.
At one point he claimed to be urgently needed in Pakistan because the Taliban was torturing his CIA replacement, according to Sullivan.
And everyone at the EPA believed him, because they had lied so much that they lost the ability to tell apart lies from the truth.
He also claimed to be suffering from malaria that he got while serving in Vietnam. According to his lawyer’s filing, he didn’t have malaria and never served in Vietnam. He told the story to EPA officials so he could get special handicap parking at a garage near EPA headquarters.
So Beale could have also been the Democratic nominee for President in 2004.
Kern, Beale’s lawyer, declined to comment to NBC News. But in his court filing, he asks Judge Ellen Huvelle, who is due to sentence Beale Wednesday, to balance Beale’s misdeeds against years of admirable work for the government. These include helping to rewrite the Clean Air Act in 1990, heading up EPA delegations to United Nations conferences on climate change in 2000 and 2001, and helping to negotiate agreements to reduce carbon emissions with China, India and other nations.