Elections are important. Sometimes because they help us choose the best. And sometimes because they help us single out the worst.
When celebrities get together for a political cause, it’s usually a race to the bottom and it’s important to show our support for the dumbest of them.
Of the four celebrities who appeared at an event to attack the Bill of Rights, two of them, Chris Rock and Tony Bennett, seemed out of it. Chris Rock gave the impression that he was playing a homeless crazy man for this press conference. Tony Bennett thought he was at an anti-war rally fifty years ago. At least that’s my best guess.
Amanda Peet talked about how traumatized she was by black rage and Adam Scott delivered some weirdly coded warning to gun owners that resembled a schizophrenic trying to communicate with aliens. If those two names mean nothing to you, then you’re exactly like most Americans.
What’s strange is that the Demand a Plan gang could only get these four to show up. All the other celebs willing to read half a sentence in their ad either wanted too much money or too much swag. And Chris Rock looked like he was there at gunpoint and Tony Bennett wasn’t sure which decade it was.
Mediate described this as a Cavalcade of Stars. If this is a Cavalcade of Stars, then the last drops of water at the bottom of my cup are a barrel of aged whiskey.
Still for all their hard work, reading things from a piece of paper, they deserve our support. Celebs love awards and it’s time to award the golden shovel to the dumbest celebrity to demand a plan.
You decide who wins.
Will it be
A. Chris Rock for his bewilderingly confused performance in “The President of the United States is Our Boss”
B. Tony Bennett playing a man who left his brain in San Francisco in “I’m a Pacifist. I’m Very Far Out”.
C. Adam Scott and his duck hair for their special appearance in, “As a Supporter of the 2nd Amendment, The Time Is Now to Ban Guns”.
D. Amanda Peet reliving her traumatic experience of watching the evening news in 1993 in “I Remember Being Haunted By the Images In My Head.”
In Peet’s defense, she was at least helping her career by auditioning to play Carolyn McCarthy in her life story, “If People Ever Stop Feeling Sorry For Me, They’ll Stop Electing an Incompetent Single Issue Liberal and My District Will Finally Be Honestly Represented in Congress”. It’s a long title, but I’m sure that Peet will be great in it.
And to help you decide, here are some bonus quotes from the smartest people in America.
“Doing nothing will fail,” Peet said. “Doing nothing has failed. To people who question the potential effectiveness and/or practicality of these measures, to the people who say it would have happened anyway or we won’t catch everybody, I say doing nothing has failed.”
Doing nothing has failed. We must blow up the moon. To the people who say blowing up the moon won’t work, doing nothing has failed. We must clone dinosaurs. Failure is not an option. It’s time for everyone to move to Alaska. And ban all tuna fish. To those who say that won’t work, I say that doing nothing has failed.
We must do something. Even it’s wrong and very stupid. Otherwise Peet will go on suffering PTSD from the shooting that she was not present at.
“This is the kind of [turn] that happened to the great country of Germany, where the Nazis came over, created tragic things, and they had to be told off,” Tony Bennett said. “And if we continue this kind of violence and accept it in our country, the rest of the world is going to take care of us in a very bad way.”
If we don’t outlaw guns, the rest of the world will invade us, and how will we fight back? With guns?
And now it’s time to vote. Leave your votes in the comments section.