50 Shades Of CIA


ciaPresident Obama, already known to his staff as a “sophisticated” and “voracious” consumer of intelligence reports, has just found a way to enhance his intelligence briefing experience even further, by choosing Avril Danica Haines, whose resume includes reading erotic fiction out loud to paying customers, as a new deputy CIA director.

Twenty years ago, after dropping out of a graduate program in physics, Haines co-owned a Baltimore book store, which featured regular “Erotica Nights” with readings of erotic prose over dinner (couples $30, singles $17). Apparently, the expertise she obtained in the process later qualified her to perform as a lawyer in the White House Counsel’s office in charge of the CIA’s undercover actions, now followed by the number-two position at the top spy agency, where she will be composing and reading provocative stories of crime and passion to the president directly.

This job was previously performed by Michael “Benghazi” Morell, who resigned in disgrace after he was outed as the author of the scandalously indecent talking points on the 2012 attack on the U.S. consulate in Libya.

Avril Haines is likely to be a more competent replacement, given her know-how in motivating dirty old men working in the Pentagon, ICE, Missile Defense Agency, TSA, Secret Service, and State Department, to take their minds off internet porn and actually interact with a live woman who has intimate knowledge of undercover operations, probing deeply together into the matter at hand. As an added bonus, President Obama is expected never again to miss 66 percent of daily intelligence meetings.

Liberal policies have always been based on raw, knee-jerk emotions, best summed up in the title of a 1968 tune, “If it feels good, you know it can’t be wrong.” Taking the feel-good principle to a whole new level, this administration’s behavior has long resembled adventures of a sexually liberated woman in touch with her inner flower child; it stands to reason that they would eventually hire one. Expect more exciting foreign policy adventures driven by erotic sensations in response to international crises.

If the aftermath of the Arab Spring is generating butterflies in the stomach, you know it can’t be wrong. In contrast, supporting the persecuted Christians in Egypt and elsewhere in the Muslim world is a proven turnoff. But let’s try sending U.S. troops to help suppress the opposition to Egypt’s Islamists regime and see if causes a salacious tingling sensation. It does – let’s send even more troops! Let’s send troops to Jordan too. And let’s give arms to Islamic fundamentalists in Syria. Yes! It feels so good, it hurts!                        

Political scientists may actually have an opportunity here to build an objective geopolitical scale by quantifying amorous body responses to international stimuli, ranging from Palestine’s aphrodisiac to Israel’s buzzkill. All other international entities, organizations, and movements can be arranged between these two extremes in the order of titillating magnitude: the ultimate liberal method of determining foreign policy, building alliances, and making permanent decisions based on fleeting emotions.

At a time when America is being screwed by just about every tyrannical, fundamentalist, and plutocratic international gangbanger, from China to Russia to the Middle East to Latin America, the appointment of an erotic aficionado to lead the nation’s top intelligence agency is quite symptomatic: if we can’t fight back, the next best thing is to get professional advice on how to lie back and enjoy the experience. Soft music and candlelight are optional.

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  • poptoy1949

    Another example of hurting America by the No. 1 hurter of of America. Obama !

  • Aizino Smith

    Wikipedia says that she graduated in 1992. But how does one graduate from physics and end up the path she is on? One assumes that one has a passion for physics.

    Her law degree is new. She has practiced law, if you can call it that, 12 years. It would seem that other would have much more experience.

    Her 1st gig at the Hague is suspect as is anything European since they seem to be such sops. they can’t seem to defend anything without U.S. muscle. Something is missing in the their DNA. So a stint at the Hague does not enhance one’s resume.

    • Enubus

      Wikipedia was incorrect she didn’t graduate in Physics rather she took a physic! What an absolute moronic choice for DDI.

      • Aizino Smith

        Yes, I know. Wikipedia can be wrong and as we both know it has a slant. I should have looked at its’ footnotes.

        While many people get to college and change their minds and their major, how many people do so in graduate school? Far fewer I suspect than at the undergrad level. “Me thinks” she was not cutting the mustard. Still she is a pretty smart person i would guess. That is she is pretty smart technically, but I would dare say she is not wise.

        I meant to point out that Wiki said differently AND that I though Wiki was suspect on this point. I meant to write it, but I flubbed it up. So thanks for the correction.

        I still think there were people with more experience than her, hundreds or thousands. Some of them, who are liberals. So I believe that this is more about being rewarded for being on the team than competence. This is much like Janet Napolitano was rewarded. If she had not been part of Anita Hill’s team we would never have heard of her.