Preserve Your Dictator! (An Infomercial)


Dictators – be they of the left, center-left, or centrist variety – are a very important part of everyone’s lives. They unconditionally share with us other people’s wealth even when we don’t ask for it – and all they want in return is our approval and total compliance. Whether we are at home, at work, or relaxing with friends, our beloved dictator is always kindly watching our every step, protecting us from our own bad choices and unhealthy urges.

But there inevitably comes a time to say “good-bye.” The loss of a tyrant leaves a tremendous hole in our lives and the grief can be overwhelming. After the shock wears off, we are faced with the dilemma of what to do with the remains. Many heart-broken subjects can’t stand the thought of having dear leader cremated or buried like a mere human.

Thankfully, today’s technology gives us several comforting alternatives, ranging from vacuum sealing to freeze-dry preservation. Although they are no longer living, despots can perpetually remain in our presence, and can even be displayed to groups of awestruck school children or added to the bus tour circuit for hard-currency foreign visitors.

If your favorite dictator has passed on to the “Rainbow Bridge to Utopia,” or you are preparing for his untimely death in advance, you may want to consider these options.

Vacuum sealing is relatively inexpensive and can be performed in any presidential palace setting. Modern wonders, such as the DictatorSaver 2000 Vacuum Sealer, which can preserve up to twelve dear leaders in rapid succession in case of multiple consecutive coups d’etat, has the speed, affordability, and ease of operation that makes it a favorite for many developing countries.

However, if your leader had been trying to save your struggling economy for over a decade and is worth over a billion dollars as a result, you may want to go with a more expensive freeze-drying option. The most reliable freeze-drying dictator-preserving provider is Perpetual Dictator Inc., a socially conscious company with branches in many humanitarian disaster areas designated for Western aid by the United Nations.

“At Perpetual Dictator, we know that the loss of a dearly loved national leader can be a difficult experience,” says CEO Vladlen Marlenov. “Through the use of new techniques in freeze-dry technology, we can offer a ‘Loving and Lasting’ alternative to vacuum sealing or traditional taxidermy and mummification. It allows us to preserve any deceased leader, regardless of the cause of death, without any alteration in appearance and in any position – from a peaceful repose to giving a passionate speech to waving a saber on top of a freeze-dried stallion.”

Experienced professionals at Perpetual Dictator can create a durable memorial that preserves your favorite authoritarian in a natural state for generations to come, allowing the forlorn subjects to see, touch, and cuddle their tyrants – and, in a sense, “never have to let go.” Best of all, your dictator gets to keep his or her actual, physical body. This is in sharp contrast to the conventional method of taxidermy, in which only the outer hide of the dictator typically remains, attached to a plastic form or other type of artificial mounting.

Growing up in a totalitarian dictatorship in one of the former provinces of the Soviet Union, Vladlen Marlenov learned early on not to get too attached to the country’s elderly leaders, who were prone to dying with predictable regularity.

His devoted customers are a different story. Autocracy lovers the world over count on Perpetual Dictator to faithfully preserve Kim, Hugo, and other beloved leaders for posterity, even if it means taking millions of dollars out of their depleted budgets.

This is where generous humanitarian aid comes in, provided by Western democracies out of sentimental nostalgia for a caring philosopher-king who can legislate the common good by executive order and redistribute national wealth to the masses despite the opposition from the obstructionist, filibustering reactionaries.

“Money is not an issue when so many poor people are devastated by the death of their dictator,” says Marlenov. “For most of them, tyranny is a way of life. This may seem a little eccentric, but preserving a dictator’s body helps them to feel better about living in squalor and misery.”

Marlenov’s studio is a testament to the devotion of the struggling masses to their leaders. Lifelike dictators of all sizes and colors are scattered throughout his showroom: a brooding South American general with a stuffed parrot nailed to his shoulder; a spirited African prince with a big frozen smile, a snarling Asian nationalist, and a smattering of heads of state from the former Soviet republics. Departed dictators of all persuasions spend up to one year in freeze-dry metal drums before they are painstakingly preserved and returned to their doting subjects.

The company also builds supersized mausoleums to customer specifications. The adjacent showroom contains a display of hand-painted papier-mâché models, from the historic Lenin Mausoleum and Chairman Mao Memorial Hall to more affordable Third-World resting places.

“The Lenin Mausoleum is a classic prototype and an all-time favorite,” admits Marlenov. “If you’ve got enough Western aid and want to go crazy, we can even build Red Square around it, complete with the State GUM and cobblestone pavement. And if you also order the Kremlin wall with the towers, we’ll throw in free decorative snowdrifts made of durable Styrofoam for those in tropical climates.”

“If you think freeze-dry preservation of your dictator is for you, please give us a call. You’ll be treated with respect and dignity you deserve.”

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  • Max

    Here is a cheaper solution: run'em through a laminating machine at Staples for $19.95 + tax! LOL

    • the Real John

      Max admit it you are a very bad person. He tried to hurt people by telling a joke that is so funny & blindsides you that they are bound to get hurt when they split their side laughing.

      Thanks for the laugh :)

  • PAthena

    "This is where generous humanitarian aid comes in, provided by Western democracies out of sentimental nostalgia for a caring philosopher-king who can legislate the common good by executive order and redistribute national wealth to the masses despite the opposition from the obstructionist, filibustering reactionaries." The reference to philosopher-kings as tyrants is incorrect. The term "philosopher-king" comes from Plato's Republic, and it means a philosopher – a lover of wisdom like Socrates, who was the wisest of men because he knew he was ignorant. In Plato's Republic, Bk. 9, there is a scale of individuals and constitution, based on their connection to wisdom. At the top are the only wise beings – the Gods, then the lovers of wisdom like Socrates; at the bottom are the tyrants who are described in this article.

  • http://twitter.com/ThePeoplesCube @ThePeoplesCube

    PAthena – the "philosopher-king" reference here is not to Plato, but rather to the way the subservient progressive media worships Obama and, for that matter, other leftist tyrant wannabes. But thanks for the educational comment anyway.

  • Max

    Staples may not be able to laminate Hugo Chavez in his entirety due to his size LOL! We'll have to laminate individual body parts and then attach them together (see packing tape and staplers in isle 4) LOL

  • Ghostwriter

    Hopefully,they'll bury old Hugo in the ground where the rest of us will never have to see him again.