America’s Favorite National Pastime: Hating Soccer


blog_deflated_soccer_ballI’ve held off on writing about soccer for a decade — or about the length of the average soccer game — so as not to offend anyone. But enough is enough. Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.

(1) Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer. In a real sport, players fumble passes, throw bricks and drop fly balls — all in front of a crowd. When baseball players strike out, they’re standing alone at the plate. But there’s also individual glory in home runs, touchdowns and slam-dunks.

In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child’s fragile self-esteem is bruised. There’s a reason perpetually alarmed women are called “soccer moms,” not “football moms.”

Do they even have MVPs in soccer? Everyone just runs up and down the field and, every once in a while, a ball accidentally goes in. That’s when we’re supposed to go wild. I’m already asleep.

(2) Liberal moms like soccer because it’s a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.

(3) No other “sport” ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer. This was an actual marquee sign by the freeway in Long Beach, California, about a World Cup game last week: “2nd period, 11 minutes left, score: 0:0.” Two hours later, another World Cup game was on the same screen: “1st period, 8 minutes left, score: 0:0.” If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Argentina vs. Brazil instead of Propofol, he’d still be alive, although bored.

Even in football, by which I mean football, there are very few scoreless ties — and it’s a lot harder to score when a half-dozen 300-pound bruisers are trying to crush you.

(4) The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport. Most sports are sublimated warfare. As Lady Thatcher reportedly said after Germany had beaten England in some major soccer game: Don’t worry. After all, twice in this century we beat them at their national game.

Baseball and basketball present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In hockey, there are three or four fights a game — and it’s not a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour. After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box.

(5) You can’t use your hands in soccer. (Thus eliminating the danger of having to catch a fly ball.) What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Here’s a great idea: Let’s create a game where you’re not allowed to use them!

(6) I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer. The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO’s “Girls,” light-rail, Beyonce and Hillary Clinton. The number of New York Times articles claiming soccer is “catching on” is exceeded only by the ones pretending women’s basketball is fascinating.

I note that we don’t have to be endlessly told how exciting football is.

(7) It’s foreign. In fact, that’s the precise reason the Times is constantly hectoring Americans to love soccer. One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not “catching on” at all, is African-Americans. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it.

(8) Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it’s European. Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they weren’t committing mass murder by guillotine.

Despite being subjected to Chinese-style brainwashing in the public schools to use centimeters and Celsius, ask any American for the temperature, and he’ll say something like “70 degrees.” Ask how far Boston is from New York City, he’ll say it’s about 200 miles.

Liberals get angry and tell us that the metric system is more “rational” than the measurements everyone understands. This is ridiculous. An inch is the width of a man’s thumb, a foot the length of his foot, a yard the length of his belt. That’s easy to visualize. How do you visualize 147.2 centimeters?

(9) Soccer is not “catching on.” Headlines this week proclaimed “Record U.S. ratings for World Cup,” and we had to hear — again — about the “growing popularity of soccer in the United States.”

The USA-Portugal game was the blockbuster match, garnering 18.2 million viewers on ESPN. This beat the second-most watched soccer game ever: The 1999 Women’s World Cup final (USA vs. China) on ABC. (In soccer, the women’s games are as thrilling as the men’s.)

Run-of-the-mill, regular-season Sunday Night Football games average more than 20 million viewers; NFL playoff games get 30 to 40 million viewers; and this year’s Super Bowl had 111.5 million viewers.

Remember when the media tried to foist British soccer star David Beckham and his permanently camera-ready wife on us a few years ago? Their arrival in America was heralded with 24-7 news coverage. That lasted about two days. Ratings tanked. No one cared.

If more “Americans” are watching soccer today, it’s only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy’s 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.

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  • stein

    Did you happen to watch germany vs. Ghana ?

    • Sharps Rifle

      No. What purpose would it serve?

  • Gamal

    There are great individuals in soccer who are admired the world over. Ann Coulter doesn’t like soccer because she’s never played it or if she has, she’s no good at it.

    • AreaMan66

      That must be it….

      • Wolfthatknowsall

        Sarcasm? …

        • AreaMan66

          I’ll let the marketplace decide…..

          But for the leftists out there…..yes, that was sarcasm.

    • Sharps Rifle

      How can anyone tell who’s good at soccer? It’s one of those “sports” where you get a trophy just for lacing on your shoes…kind of like tiddlywinks.

    • http://www.stubbornthings.org NAHALKIDES

      I played soccer as a boy, and I admit I did enjoy it. But we improved the game by having only 4 or 5 boys on a side (that’s all we could ever find), which allowed for much more individual accomplishment (long thrilling dribbles, etc.). The standard of 11 men per team guarantees no long runs, just boring pass, pass, pass, out of bounds, throw-in, etc.

      I didn’t think about it at the time, but our improved soccer was more like hockey – probably the reason it was better.

      • Gamal

        You’re right about that. I played as a boy in small groups and later in high school on a full team. There is no question that playing in a small group was lot more fun and allowed for much more individual accomplishment. It’s like they are two different games.

        • http://www.stubbornthings.org NAHALKIDES

          How nice to hear from someone else who had the same experience! I was beginning to think I was the only one.

          • Ivan Ewan

            Yes, five-a-side is a lot more enjoyable than the full eleven. I think they would do it professionally, but you can’t fit so many spectators around a five-a-side pitch.

          • http://www.stubbornthings.org NAHALKIDES

            Maybe that’s it. Too bad, though.

  • adamjw2

    I’m sorry, but If the final score is 0-0 at a world-level competition, you don’t have an actual sport.

    • adamdbag

      I’m sorry, but the majority of the world disagrees with you.

      • adamjw2

        lol. take a joke, buddy! :)

  • Webb

    It’s just the old game of Goathead updated for the 21st Century.

  • DontMessWithAmerica

    You were wise, Ann, to have held off writing
    about soccer for ten years. Now calculate your life expectancy, add
    another ten years to that number, and hold off for writing about soccer for
    whatever number of years you come up with. This will charitably save you for
    the rest of your life from making yourself into a public fool.

    • BS77

      Ann Coulter is a riot….soccer has got to be one of the most boring and ridiculous team sports ever invented. Up and down the field kicking a ball…..I tried watching some of the games…after ten minutes, I was done. The players have great stamina….and its great for kids….but as a spectator sport……..you can watch it for three hours….I can’t.

      • Sharps Rifle

        If you want to watch players run wind sprints all game long, but actually score points, basketball is the game for that. I’m no fan of the NBA, but a good high school game is always enjoyable. When I was a kid, I played in a local soccer league…for one season. The game is nearly as dull to play as it is to watch. I turned my attentions to basketball (but lacked the height to really be a serious player) and rodeo (saddle and bareback bronc riding…I’m not an especially skilled roper, although I do hit what I aim at). Those were far more enjoyable and competitive efforts. I love Ann’s sarcasm, but she’s dead on: Soccer is only slightly less dull than watching grass grow, but more dull than watching paint dry.

      • BS77

        Soccer is great for kids…minimum impact…lots of aerobics…..run run run run….kick a ball into a net….yup…that’s about it. As a spectator sport……Tedious is putting it mildly.

      • USA_Svensk

        Sorry. Baseball is the most boring sport ever invented. zzzzzzz

    • AreaMan66

      As the author of the above statements I can gather that you have a deep and intimate familiarity with public foolishness, thank you for your advice.

      • DontMessWithAmerica

        De nada, Senor. You are welcome, but I see you didn’t take the advice.

        To be serious for a moment, the comments here show a cultural revolution taking place in America. The world’s favorite sport, which has been ignored by America, has had its own societal Jihad starting in American kindergartens and with the current world playoffs has captured young American sports fans to the dismay and perplexity of the seniors.

        Like music, acceptance and/or love for a sport is conditioned early. Pro and con reactions to it can be hilarious. I exploit this in an upcoming film titled 100 NAKED GIRLS in which an Italian who loves soccer is exposed to American sports and is hilariously critical of baseball, football and basketball. The latter prompts him to state, “Giraffes running back and forth dropping balls in baskets. Give to me a team of midgets playing these giants! That would be something.” And then the camera lets us see his mind’s eye in which a team of midgets play the Harlem Globe Trotters, a scene of classic comedy.

        • AreaMan66

          Wow….just….wow.

          Please don’t reproduce.

  • Mike Wilson

    What an awe-inspiring commentary from this genius. Already, after being posted only six hours ago, this is the 6th comment. Well we don’t belive in winning do we? It’s the seriousness of the effort that’s important. Give the lady a medal for participating.

  • billmorgenstein

    For the record I am a life long ‘Conservative’ but I am often appalled by Ann’s predjudice and ignorance. Admittedly her attempt at humor here is good, except it is one of the most wrongheaded and ignorant articles that I have ever read about soccer. Yes, it has its faults such as poor officiating and fake injuries (some of the players should be up for Academy Awards) but once you learn it you will find it very exciting to watch. Incidently, I think more goals have been scored in this World Cup than almost any other.

    • Wolfthatknowsall

      To “learn” to find it exciting, you have to watch it. Exactly how steep is the learning curve, Bill?

      • trickyblain

        Not steep at all if you appreciate watching the best in the world do what they do for their countries. You can find out in one hour and 15 minutes. USA v. Germany.

        • Wolfthatknowsall

          All though I won’t watch it, I will win, no matter who wins this game. I have dual US/German citizenship …

    • Sharps Rifle

      Really? Someone actually scored a goal this time?
      I played soccer when I was younger. It was boring to play. Thank God for rodeo! A 175 pound man against a 1,250 pound horse is REAL competition…and that’s not sarcasm!

      • chelmer

        Yeah, flying through the air upside down and hoping the bull isn’t waiting for you when you land sure beats standing in line holding your testicles.

      • billmorgenstein

        I haven’t rode a horse for many years but enjoy the few rodeo events that I’ve been to (mostly in South America). But, talk about a boring sport. How about Polo? I went to one match and sadly was in a tent with some very arrogant adn obnoxious people. (Hate to generalize)

      • trickyblain

        But the horse doesn’t know it’s competition. It just knows it has an annoying thing on its back and wants it off. And the horse almost always get’s the annoying thing off within seconds. So, the horse always wins; and it doesn’t even know it’s competing.

        • Sharps Rifle

          The competition is between the riders, or didn’t you realize that?

      • Mr_Slate

        haha this comment is so American ^ The rest of the world gets so hyped up for the world cup and Americans are saying it’s rubbish and we should all be watching rodeo tournaments instead lol I’m sorry mate but rodeo is just not gonna catch on with the rest of us!! Football is already most popular sport in the world so we’re not really that bothered if Americas not that into it…

      • Mr_Slate

        you can enjoy whatever sport you want. Football (what the ENTIRE WORLD except america call football) is a skill and endurance game. You saying it;s rubbish because it doesn’t have a “body count” is as miss-understood and foolish as saying golf, basketball, baseball or chess are useless games because they don’t have a “body count”. Surly theres more of a comparison between rugby (the game AF evolved from) and AF. If a game absolutely HAS to be aggressive for any self respecting alpha male to enjoy watching it then im afraid you have a poor understanding of sports in general… there a wide variety out there!

        Obviously your in your face showy personality isn’t too compatible with the more thoughtful and tactical pace of football. I kind of understand now though, For some reason a weird proportion of Americans misguidedly and foolishly allow sports to be politicised and irrationally associate football with left wing ideology (who knows why in the rest of the world it’s jut a sport!)! For most of us we just make our own minds up on what we like and don’t let political ideology dictate what we should like and dislike.

        Also for the record, American football and baseball were both invented/evolved in the UK and if you think players such as “pot roast” are a prime example of a great athlete…. really i do not know where to begin!

        All i can say is im guessing non of you people are actually sporty people anyway!!! I love lots of different sports and welcome them all! I certainly don’t think to myself “im not cycling to work today because it’s not manly and violent enough!”

        Anyone who plays a lot of sports themselves will have respect and understanding for most sports because they most get off their fat arses and ACTUALLY PLAY THEM. something i can guarantee most of you don’t do since you quite clearly don’t understand the basic rules! Your countries doing well in the world cup, trust America to have a country full of miserable cynics when any other country in the world would be over the moon lol

    • Sharps Rifle

      If you have to “learn” it to find it exciting, then it stands to reason it isn’t exciting in the first place.

    • http://www.stubbornthings.org NAHALKIDES

      If you’re often appalled by Coulter, the probability is that you’re not Conservative so much as country-club Republican – not the same thing, you know. And yes, soccer is boring – pass, pass, pass, pass, out of bounds…. Meanwhile, in real football a couple of interesting plays have been run, miniature battles each one.

      • billmorgenstein

        It is too bad that we are stuck in the trap of easy labeling. Obviously politicians will talk to different groups based on their desire for votes. I would rather see honesty and hope that people should understand that as long as the basic principles are there you can expect them to agree with you on every issue.

        My beliefs for example are complicated. I am for very limited government and that most laws now passed end up having the opposite effect for what they are intended. (especailly economic ones). I am very much Anti Socialist, anti Social Progressivism and believe that we will prosper if government encourages individuals who want to go into or are in business by lowering taxes, restrictions and not increasing the minimum wage. I believe that EPA, IRS, (simplify tax code), the Agriculture dept. and eliminate the Wage & Hours act. I believe that minorities will be helped if we restrict welfare to the most dire cases, encourage charter schools and even penalize disappearing fathers. Eliminating waste and corruption in government should be a goal which could be aided by term limits. Real history, journalism and ethics should be taught in schools and if the teacher’s union don’t like that it is too damn bad. Protecting the ‘environment has its limits. The so called environmentalists are in a dream world. The largest polluters (China & India) can’t and wont be stopped so when we restrict gas, coal and oil not only do we miss an opportunity to become very prsoperous again but we drastically hurt employment. Farm subsidies and protection of the sugar industry (Republicans) must be stopped along with EPA which also must be stopped. (costs us $ Billions)

        We are fast becoming a nation of cowards afraid to tell the truth. Polital Correct policies put us in an Alice In Wonderland world. The grip that extreme Muslims have keeps us in a vice and worse will adhere to their future aim of complete control. Moderate Muslims can’t and won’t speak out because of the fear (which many of us also have) of consequence both social and potentially violent.

        Lastly, my favorite quote come from David Lilienthal who was in a confirmation hearing for the Atomic Energy Commission. (1947)He faced a sordid, malicious, irresponsible and otten anonymous attack on his loyalty and honesty. Senator Mckellar of TN. not only asked where his parents were born but asked why Lilienthal did not carry certain highly technical information in his head and what kind of American that he was? The following i his answer:
        “This I do carry in my head Senator. I’ll do my best to make it clear. I believe and conceive the Constitution of the United States to rest as does religion upon the fundamental proposition of the integrity of the individual and that ALL government and all private instutions must be designed to promote, and protect, and defend the integrity and the dignity of the individual”.

        • 20pizzapies

          Well you failed the Tea Party Litmus Test , you failed to worship Coulter and hang on her every word . Shame on you , you Commie, Marxist ,Socialist ,Liberal ,” Country-Club Republican masquerading as a Conservative .
          sarc/on

          • billmorgenstein

            I gather that is you attempt at humor?

            By the way we have attended a Tea Party meeting in FL and it was enjoyable. No racism whatsover and in attendance where minorities and even a couple of Democrats. All they wanted was less Government control.

          • 20pizzapies

            You keep telling yourself that Bill .

      • 20pizzapies

        Oh wow , NOW if you don’t like Coulter , you’re not a Conservative but a what ? ” Country -Club Republican ? YOU are a moron . And a pretty well brainwashed .

        • http://www.stubbornthings.org NAHALKIDES

          Someone frequently offended by Coulter is not likely to be a Conservative – logical deduction and I stand by it. Possible, but not likely. And no one who still believes in a socialist utopia as you do, even after all the misery and murdered dead your ideology is responsible for, has any business calling anyone else a “moron”.

          • 20pizzapies

            I said nothing of a socialist utopia , not only are YOU a moron but you are an assuming moron . You use the term “logical deduction ” ? You have no logic , if you take Coulter for anyone other than a racist schmuck , who has a grudge against anyone who does not see the world in her warped view and doesn’t share her contempt. She makes her money selling her books to fools like YOU , and gets paid for speaking to audiences filled with fools like you . You have no idea of what my ideology is you imbecile , other than I think Coulter’s a moron as well as her sycophants like you .

    • 20pizzapies

      Trouble is Coulter is NOT attempting humor , she’s doing what she does best , inculcating contempt .

  • DirtFarmer

    Soccer is the world’s most popular game because it has so little competition. Think of any country, take away soccer, and what’s left? Consider England, for example: Cricket, anyone? In a tournament-caliber game, it’s not altogether unusual for a game to go two hours (90 minutes of regulation play and 30 minutes of overtime) and end 0-0. Can you spell B-O-R-I-N-G? (It is kind of amusing, though, to watch the players bounce the ball off their heads like trained seals.) Then the game is decided by penalty kicks, yielding a result that involves more luck than skill. How pathetic! To reduce the risk of such an appalling outcome, the goal should be made larger, to allow for easier scoring.

    • chelmer

      The one great thing about soccer is its playability (not a word AFAIK). You can play by yourself or with any number of people. With baseball and football, you can’t really do anything by yourself, and two people can only play catch. But soccer-like activities are possible with any number. And you don’t need much more than an empty lot.

    • Mr_Slate

      why are so many people who have never played football or seen a full match talking like pundits?

  • Wolfthatknowsall

    I refuse to like soccer. Why? The Left in America … and the rest of the world … want me to love it, and I’m stubborn. I’ve never watched a soccer game, and I never will.

    When my kids were young, I encouraged the boys to go out for football, baseball, or basketball, and the girls to go for softball and basketball. Then, I went to every game … which wasn’t easy, since there were six kids (doing my part for the birth-rate).

    Nothing like a running back breaking the tackles of 300-lb monsters, and taking the football … not the “futbol” … into the end zone …

    • Mr_Slate

      *sigh* i feel bad for you americans. In the rest of the world “soccer” is just a sport… it has zero to do with politics! It’s actually nice for a change to have something in the news and that that isn’t rattling on about politics. Somehow you’ve allowed it to be politicised in the USA and irrationally associate it with the left wing. If your political alignment dictates what sports you enjoy there something seriously wrong… but it’s starting to make sense why you Americans aren’t taking to it so much.

      • Wolfthatknowsall

        Don’t feel sorry for us. After all, we live in America.

        Hating soccer is a personal preference. American football is quintessentially “American”. It’s tough, brutal, and never boring. one of my boys played basketball, which … as you know … enjoys some international esteem (not that I care for said esteem). One played baseball, and the other two played football. The girls played basketball and softball, respectively.

        Once again, it’s a personal preference. In America, we have a right to personal preferences …

        • Mr_Slate

          We do here too! Which is why i don’t listen to people who say “your un-british if you like basketball” – cause thats bloody stupid it’s just a sport and i play what i damn please!

  • trickyblain

    The funniest part of this article isn’t just Ann’s total ignorance about soccer, it’s her lack of any understanding of any sport she tries to talk about. “Thus eliminating the danger of having to catch a fly ball” Huh? The danger of a fly ball???

    • chelmer

      As someone who’s bounced a fly ball off my face several times (not claiming to any great hand-to-eye coordination here), I found the comment made sense.

    • http://www.stubbornthings.org NAHALKIDES

      I think she meant the danger of muffing the catch. In soccer when you kick the ball downfield, who can say whether that was bad or good? Most likely someone will just kick it back – net accomplishment, zero. Then it’s pass, pass, pass, pass, pass like the back-and-forth of the hypnotist’s watch. Bo-ring!

      • trickyblain

        We’re talking about sports at the highest level; you don’t see that many MLB players muffing routine fly balls … it happens maybe a handful of times over 2,430 games in a season. I’ve never seen a pro injured by one. Little league? I remember a couple players getting black eyes — nothing serious. So, dangerous? Not really.

        We can agree to disagree on soccer. The NFL is my favorite sport, by far, but the last three USA games have been thrilling. It’s not just about scoring; the game is all about setting up a score (and defending). As much as I love football (American), here’s a typical quarter (15 minutes) in an NFL game:

        49ers ball:
        1st down
        2nd down
        3rd down
        Punt
        Commercial break
        Seahawks ball
        1st down
        2nd down
        3rd down
        Punt
        Commercial break
        49ers ball:
        1st down
        2nd down
        3rd down
        Punt
        Commercial break
        Seahawks ball
        1st down
        2nd down
        3rd down
        1st down
        2nd down
        3rd down
        1st down
        2nd down
        3rd down
        Field Goal
        Commercial break
        Repeat for three more quarters

        Soccer:
        First half (46-50 minutes)
        Commercial break
        Second half (46-50 minutes)

  • Ivan Ewan

    Hey! Americans! When you finally come up with a sport where a World Cup will actually attract nations other than the USA – then you’ll have some ground from which to come up with ludicrous conspiracy theories about football. Sorry, “soccer”. Lest you confuse it with your own ‘football’, where you carry the ball in your arms.

    BTW I’m normally a fan of FPM but today I had to say something.

    • nomoretraitors

      Why does America need to come up with a sport that attracts other nations? Does the rest of the world see a need to attract us to soccer? If they enjoy the game, fine. They don’t need us to like it too, anymore than we need foreign validation for our sports. (and I’m not a football/baseball/basketball fan either)

    • http://www.stubbornthings.org NAHALKIDES

      We don’t give a s**t whether other countries like our sports or not, Ivan – value is not determined by a group vote of a bunch of socialist failed and failing nations. We don’t even want, much less need, foreign countries in our Super Bowls and World Series – we’re doing just fine without you.

      • Ivan Ewan

        You don’t want foreign countries in the World Series.

        I rest my case.

    • trapper

      Indeed. I don’t care what other nations do.

  • Darlington Hoopes

    More fluff and feathers from the vindictive racist Coulter. And try doing anything in science or engineering without using metric measurements. What a waste of pixels her columns are!

    • nomoretraitors

      Yup, call anybody you don’t like racist. Sounds like a leftie to me.
      Now run along. You’re wasting internet bandwidth (pixels are found in photographs)

      • Darlington Hoopes

        Coutler is a racist, she proves it almost every “column” she “writes. She is incapable of rational argument.

        • http://www.stubbornthings.org NAHALKIDES

          You’re the one incapable of rational argument. Show by example any racist comment made by Coulter. Hint: disliking Obama or criticizing other countries is not “racist”.

        • nomoretraitors

          Screaming “racism” is the first resort of scoundrels.
          Leftists have no idea what rationality is. They are blinded by their hatred of Bush and America

  • mmichlin

    Sorry, this is not an “article”, but rather a rant of a person who doesn’t like soccer because it is “foreign” and tries to convince you that it is un-American to love it. This is one big BS. You can love soccer and also love baseball and football and ping-pong or neither and it doesn’t have anything to do with being for or against individual liberty, property rights and limited government. Soccer is gaining popularity in the US and the most amazing thing it does that without any government intervention – just like any other sport in the US. Isn’t it a thing to celebrate instead of complaining?
    Are you really worrying that soccer can change American values? Do you really think that gradually growing popularity of a sports game is indicative of American values already being changed?
    BTW, I just read Ann Coulter’s book Mugged – that’s what Ann Coulter is good at and that’s where her focus should be – instead of ignorantly ranting about the game she didn’t grow with and doesn’t know anything about.

  • mmichlin

    “Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer”

    Individual achievement is a big factor in soccer – just like in any other team sport. There is a reason why everybody (almost) knows the names of Pele and Maradona and in their respective countries soccer stars are just as recognizable as football and baseball stars in the US.

    • Sharps Rifle

      Who and who?

      • chelmer

        Madonna, fool. You know, “Like a Virgin”.

    • http://www.stubbornthings.org NAHALKIDES

      One guy passes it to another, and then to another…back and forth they pass the ball for hours. Any well-conditioned athlete could do that. Eventually, someone who happens to be standing near the goal is lucky enough to boot the ball in. Anyone could have done that also – it’s simply a question of who’s assigned to hang out around the goal. And then after the score it’s back to pass, pass, pass, pass,… God, it’s boring!

      • mmichlin

        Just wondering why you are not in Brazil now assigned to hang out around the goal – maybe you are not a well-coordinated athlete?
        What’s for sure, you are not a well-coordinated thinker.

      • mmichlin

        You move one figure after another and then another … back and forth you move them for hours. Any person with good hand coordination could do that. Eventually, a figure that happens to be standing near the Queen is lucky enough to eat her. Anyone could have played that game – it’s simply a question who is assigned to hang around the board. And then it’s back to the rest of the figures – move, move, move…. God, it’s boring!

        • http://www.stubbornthings.org NAHALKIDES

          You certainly have no gift for satire – or humor. In chess, when a position is about to be repeated for the third time, a player can claim a draw. If this rule were applied to soccer, either side could claim a draw early on because the same position repeats over and over and over…

      • Mr_Slate

        To us watching american football is boring. It has no fluid play, it’s stop and start every 30 seconds, bombarded with adverts, riddled with substitutions and it take 3 hours to one hour of play.

  • s;vbkr0boc,klos;

    Poverty stricken boys in the Dominican Republic, who dream big, live for BASEBALL and have made the little 1/2 of an into island a virtual ‘rookie farm’ for the Major Leagues in the U.S.

  • The Big Fella

    What could be more unmanly than rushing to see what Ann Coulter thinks?

  • Paula Fether

    What a misogynistic tirade. Soccer sucks, but you can say so without blaming it on women. And if your idea of a good time is that the loser goes to the hospital, then maybe you need a sport where cavemen drag their knuckles on the ground and hit each other with clubs.

  • nomoretraitors

    Soccer may not be interesting but the post-game riots are a blast

    • Uncle Jay

      I agree about the riots, especially the ones in England. There were other riots at many soccer games, especially in Latin America where scores of fans were injured and even killed. I found it fascinating that in one case a referee was murdered for an apparent “bad call.” I don’t think I have to remind everyone what one of Saddam Hussein’s sons did to the Iraqi soccer team when they lost in one World Cup.
      Oh yeah, I want America to embrace ultra-feminine game of soccer like the rest of the world has. I can hardly wait. Then the United States can be just as half-assed as the rest of the world.
      On the positive side of soccer, it would cure a lot insomniacs after just watching a few minutes of a game guaranteed.

    • UCSPanther

      European soccer hooligans make even the most rabid Canadian Hockey fans and the most rabid American Football fans look tame in comparison.

      Cheer for the wrong team in the wrong part of the stadium, and you will be lucky if a pack of soccer hooligans don’t grab you and use you as a battering ram on a concrete wall…

  • Infidel4Ever

    I usually enjoy reading Ann Coulter’s columns, but I found this one unnecessarily snarky and pointless. I don’t care for soccer either, but I do respect the abilities and the endurance required. And if individuals don’t matter, why is it soccer is full of heroes like every other sport? Maradona. Pele, Messi, Beckham are as big in the soccer world as Jordan, Manning, Ali and Ruth are in theirs. Really, Ann, this is just a silly and mean article.

  • FrontPgSubscr

    I grew up (in the east), essentially, playing soccer (& “soccer baseball”). I did
    play some baseball (was even a pitcher when I played, at the level i played) …
    does that “redeem” me?

  • Sharps Rifle

    In the immortal words of Warren Oates: “Lighten up, Francis.”

  • chelmer

    My problem with soccer is what it teaches us: which seems to be, if a player from the other team does something that might conceivably give you a boo-boo, your job is to flop down on the ground writhing in simulated pain. It’s like what these American Indian groups are doing with the Redskins trademark: Pretend you’re hurt and see if you can draw a call. It’s worse than cheating. It just teaches people to despise each other.

    • Ivan Ewan

      Now that is true, and it’s the number one thing I hate about the “professional” leagues.

      I think national armies should play football professionally to represent their country instead. Nobody would ever fall over deliberately then. Except maybe the Italians.

  • Leisure

    As an anti soccer mom i have to say i laugh at all those parents getting up at the crack of dawn to schlep their kids all over the hinterlands to scream at them while they run up and down the field.. For what? Not enough sports at school? . While my kids and hubs are sipping coffee, reading etc in our jammies enjoying the leisure of Weekends with the family. Restoring for another week of work school and activities/ sports. None of our adult friends play soccer as adults. Although we are all capable of kicking a ball around for fun with the kids. It really is the decline of culture. Oh make sure to fill your weekends with endless games so you can NOT have time for anything else, make sure your kids don’t just play outside or muck around together. That is too creative!!!
    But i know people who love to watch it, ug i think its like taking a quaalude maybe.

    • Fred

      I was in class yesterday and one of my fellow students came in and wanted the instructor to let us out at 11:00 for our lunch break so he could watch the soccer game, Then he said out loud that anybody that doesn’t like soccer in Un- American……..I turned a round looked him straight in the face and said then I must be Un-American because I don’t like soccer, I would rather watch grass grow . As far as I’m concerned soccer is Un-American. I think Ann is spot on…..I can see why liberals love it….

    • Mr_Slate

      It’s called encouraging your kids to do something they enjoy. How is taking a kid to a football match any different than taking them to a baseball match? I feel sorry for your kids if you refuse to let them play a sport they enjoy with their friends because your small minded attitude deems them inferior for doing so, as though there going to turn British from playing a match! Grow up for goodness sake this is 2014 kids can play what sport they like.

  • Gee

    Watching any sport is boring. Doesn’t matter which one.

  • Sean Ingerland

    Ann, a 0-0 scoreless tie is a “bore draw”; a player who can kick with either foot is a “genius”; a bad referee is “a disgrace”; a bad footballer is “tired” because he played “three games in a week” and now has a “tweaked groin”. In “massive” games the players will give “110 per cent” because they “owe it to the fans”. A manager will “take the positives out of the game” after a crushing defeat and will then be given “a vote of confidence” swiftly followed by the sack and a huge pay-off. Are you taking notes, Ann? USA lost to Germany but still managed to make it through to the knockout stages of the tournament – unlike poor old Iran (or England). Cheered up yet, Ann? Are you still awake? I tried my best.

  • http://www.stubbornthings.org NAHALKIDES

    I disagree. Sports are a part of our culture – too large a part in my view – but a part nonetheless. Soccer is popular in third-world countries, and Coulter is right – if we hadn’t been suicidally bringing in millions of people from these countries, no one in America would be watching soccer at all. We are in a cultural struggle, not just a political one, and just as American freedom is better than European socialism, so American football is better than European soccer.

    • Ivan Ewan

      “Soccer” wasn’t invented by socialists, American. It wasn’t invented in the third world. It was invented in England, just like American football was invented in England, and baseball was invented in England.

      If we’re gonna go all political, what about NASCAR? Every car turns left about five hundred times in a single race; if you need to look at why your population elected a Marxist to run the country twice, look no further than that!

      • http://www.stubbornthings.org NAHALKIDES

        The fact remains that soccer is popular in failed third-world countries, it bears the scent of collectivism with its de-emphasis on individuality (noted in the article and the comments here), and the very same people who promote it in America are those who want Euro-style socialism here. No thanks!

        • Ivan Ewan

          Collectivism? Sounds like an argument from ignorance.

          I don’t particularly like football, but the good players always stand out from bad ones. All team sports, including your own national obsessions, have the same “collectivism”. It’s called teamwork. Teamwork and individualism are by no means contradictory. I would like to see what the armed forces, the medical professions and emergency services would look like in a world of yours where teamwork is a socialist sin.

          • http://www.stubbornthings.org NAHALKIDES

            Subtlety isn’t your strong point: I said “the scent of collectivism” not “collectivist”. If you can’t tell the difference…

            And it’s true what I said about the biggest boosters of soccer – they want to turn America into Europe. No thanks.

          • Ivan Ewan

            Subtlety isn’t my strong point. You are absolutely right about that. However, artificially invalidating my point because of weasel-word semantics does you no credit either. If you want to attack soccer because it is collective, or has elements of collectivism, or a scent of collectivism – then you have to recognise that there are very few sports which do not.

            American football? The teamwork is the same, just with more grabbing and shoving.

            Basketball? Functionally it’s almost identical to football. You just don’t notice it because the dribbling is by hand.

            Baseball? What is the fielding team if not a collective capture net?

            And I don’t want to turn America into Europe. I don’t even particularly like football. But I do wish some of you would grow up a little. A popular sport invented in 19th Century England is not a threat to liberty.

          • http://www.stubbornthings.org NAHALKIDES

            Grow up yourself. None of us anti-soccer types here said that soccer was a threat to liberty, at least not of the magnitude of, say, the Democratic Party, we just said we don’t like it, and for some pretty good reasons. The soccer-boosting Europhiles have done far more damage to this country by pushing socialized medicine, for example, than soccer. That’s still no reason to like soccer.

          • Ivan Ewan

            Oh I see. I see. So when you talk about how football has undertones of collectivism, that it is linked with failed socialist states, that it is promoted by people who want to socialise America – then you’re not actually making any point about the political impact of football at all!

            And even now you’re suggesting that Europhiles do some damage by pushing soccer onto True Blue ‘Mercans.

            Is there nothing you won’t do, to “win”?

        • Mark Krikorian

          Baseball is also popular in poor countries, so do we need to junk that too?

          • http://www.stubbornthings.org NAHALKIDES

            No, baseball is fine because it’s part of American culture. Soccer still seems to me like a manifestly inferior sport, unless played as I described it somewhere like hockey – 6 men on a side. And I don’t understand why so many of you seem to be having trouble understanding that it’s not even so much that soccer is an inferior sport as that I would like to avoid importing inferior cultures to replace ours – o.k.?

          • Mark Krikorian

            The only sport that originated in the US is basketball.

          • http://www.stubbornthings.org NAHALKIDES

            I was aware of that (except for football) before this discussion started. However, it makes no difference – it’s a question of how well a particular sport fits in with the rest of American culture. I think maybe cricket does, but to me, soccer (again, the way it is played with two mobs on the field) does not.

        • Mr_Slate

          hahaha omg could you be any more pertinacious! IT”S A SPORT! enjoy it for what it is. It’s not a social commentary on individualism, it’s not a representation of a marxist state and it’s not exemplary of the decaying moral fibre of America… it’s a sport, people play it for FUN. Something your intent on sucking out of everything you talk about! If America doesn’t want to join in with the rest of the world and play nicely at football then please don’t were happy to play without you!

          • http://www.stubbornthings.org NAHALKIDES

            It’s funny that, with the thousands of comments I’ve written attacking Obama, the Democratic Left, Establishment Republicans, and the Libertarian Party, that this minor soccer matter has aroused more antipathy than any of them ever did. It’s a relatively minor matter – I’m not making that big a deal out of it – and yes, it should be just a sport. The problem for me is that some of the people pushing soccer are not pushing it as a pure sport, but as yet another way to undermine America. That’s what the cultural Left does, and I am bound to oppose them – o.k.?

        • Mr_Slate

          Also football is popular in EVERY country (the most popular sport in the world) so yes it is popular in third world countries and failed states but it’s also popular in developing countries and developed countries and hugely successful states. I think you hate it just because it’s british and your closed mindedness stops you from kicking a ball in the park with your mates to try it out. WHich is so so stupid since American football and baseball were invented in UK

  • Dl desdichado

    I love Ann C. and Frontpage as well – but this one piece is just STOOPID.

    Soccer is the best sport.
    Way more fun to play, fun to watch, and takes greater skill and endurance. American football = dullsville. Baseball = the same. Yawn.
    Watching guys spit and scratch their balls. Come on.
    Both require too much plastic. Commercial hype for for industrialized nations with too much time on their hands. Soccer [the REAL Football] is the greatest.
    I forgive Ann for being so pathetically wrong on this one.

    OK haters- go for it now….

  • toedeladoki

    I know it, soccer is to difficult for the average person in the USA, who is just able to understand GOAL !

    122-118 is a way more exiting !!

    • Sean

      122-118 isn’t a scoreline; it’s a telephone number.

  • nick999

    Yes anne is usually a good read but this is pointless and spiteful. I suspect it was only written to take a swipe at liberal soccer moms.

  • Elliott

    Hold on: a Person from England (the ‘UK’; a “Briton” – NOT a BRIT!!!!!!) wishes to say something.
    I grew up in England. In school (ages 6 – 18) we participated in a number of sports (from simple athletics; i.e. running) to soccer (= football in the UK) and cricket.
    I do not plan to justify or explain either / any of these exercises in exercise. The WHOLE POINT was to get out, into the fresh air and run around. It was effective. In the 1960s-1970s we were not attached to iphones, and watching TV was (thankfully) limited, compared to today.
    The beauty of soccer is its simplicity. No goalposts? Place two jackets on the ground and you have a goal (OK, no cross-bar, but we were just out to have fun and EXERCISE). Fortunately, from age 5, I lived within 4 minutes walk of the local public park. Almost every spare minute I had to play, I was in there, playing soccer. Even ten years ago (when I was into my fifties), I played soccer (sometimes with guys half my ages – that was difficult, challenging – but great fun). After six months of getting lots of practice and expending a lot of physical effort, I found I could just about keep up with them.
    I gave up, aged 55, because of a (minor) muscle tear. But throughout my 60 years, it has always been great fun to play, with the minimum of fixtures, and again I was getting outdoors for some fresh air – which thankfully is not yet taxed (don’t show this to your president).
    There’s nothing wrong with soccer; there’s everything wrong with changing Sport into Business. Maybe that’s Ann’s real problem??

  • Goh Heung Yong

    Usually I can find common ground with conservatives which is why I am appalled at how ridiculous is Ann Coulter’s obviously serious opinion that somehow an individual’s love for a certain sport is indicative of whether he or she is a true American. If that is true, the US government should include this in their evaluation of applicants who are applying for US citizenship. Anyone who can exhibit such bias and ignorance isn’t much of an American. What ignorance am I referring to? Why don’t M/s Coulter try juggling and controlling a ball with her feet versus just holding a ball and running with it? Any normal person can hold a ball and run. And the world aptly call the game football because you have to play the ball with your feet. How much sense is it to call a game football when you are using your hands most of the time. Clearly not all conservatives are rational.

  • Maggie

    Soccer is a multi BILLION Dollar (or Euro, if you want) business. The two biggest manufacturers of soccer outfits expect making way more than 2 billion Euros in 2014 (each, that is) because of the World Cup, closely followed by many other companies. Soccer is being pushed in the US by good old capitalism at it’s best. And no one else.

    America’s problem is not soccer, it’s golf. More precisely, people who play golf instead of doing their job.

  • 20pizzapies

    Get a life Anne , no one can tell if you’re serious or just trying to be funny . What’s next ? Baseball ? After all it was originated from the Brits and Cricket is widely played in India . You’re running out of things to hate , not to mention ideas .

  • Noodles

    It’s the most popular sport in the world, you silly twit…but you were right about the US headed for the trash-bin of history,

  • Gamal

    That’s right, antagonize the soccer loving independents. Way to go Ann!

  • Ivan Ewan

    Don’t be coy. We know your real favourite sport isn’t rodeo. It’s war. The body counts are unbelievable.

  • Football doesn’t equal soccer

    This article forgot to point out that there are more grown men crying in a single soccer game than an entire year of one of the big four sports, and that includes compound fractures and loosing championship games in the real sports. In soccer if someone runs by you too close, their wind will knock you down and the person rolls around in agony like they were just run over by a car. Absolutely annoying!!

  • bergman

    Hated playing it as kid, slip slidin around in the mud, occasionally getting kicked in the shins, never getting anywhere near the ball or goal. Miserable “sport”. Only thing worse than playing is watching.