Introducing the Envia Discord 2015

Daniel Greenfield, a Shillman Journalism Fellow at the Freedom Center, is a New York writer focusing on radical Islam. He is completing a book on the international challenges America faces in the 21st century.


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PRESS RELEASE

These days every car company claims that their latest model is environmentally friendly no matter how much it pollutes the planet and makes Indians standing by the side of a road cry bitter tears.

But what does environmentally friendly really mean? At Envia Motors, we set out to make a car without concessions to speed, performance or handling because we put the environment first.

Fueled by a dream and two billion dollars in government grant money, we challenged ourselves to see whether four community organizers with no technical knowledge or skill could create a car that would become a compulsory driving experience.

And with the Envia Discord 2015, we succeeded beyond your wildest mandated imagination.

The Discord isn’t just a car. It’s a political experience. It speaks to our yearnings and aspirations. And it has plastic skis permanently attached to the roof so it looks like you’re always heading to a ski weekend even when you’re going off to pretend to work at a non-profit to help inner city children.

Envia is all about choice. That’s why the Discord 2015 comes in every color from Avocado Green to Plantain Green so that you can have your Green Car… just the way you like it.

But the Discord isn’t just environmentally friendly. Its commitment to social justice begins with steering wheels at every seat so everyone can drive. Studies show that even in multiracial families, white males are most likely to be the drivers and the Discord uses engineered disruption to sabotage the patriarchy.

Like the progressive movement, the Discord has no brakes. Because once we’re moving Forward, there’s never a reason to stop.

The Envia Discord 2015 also has no seat belts or airbags because… check your privilege. Most people of color around the world lack these things and it’s only your sense of entitlement that leads you to expect that a car company should value your life more than that of a person of color.

Some might say that the Discord is missing something, but we prefer to think of it as the meaningful absence that the Discord brings into your life. We didn’t just leave out things that every other car has to save money. With a sticker price of $395,000, that obviously was never an issue. Instead we did it as part of our mutual commitment to changing how we envision what a car is.

Car companies have encouraged consumers to see their vehicles as property to protect against the economically challenged. Envia Motors disrupts the capitalist system of property and theft by taking all the locks off the doors, the trunk and the ignition.

Anyone can enter and drive a Discord once they undergo a privilege check that connects the driver by remote satellite link to an organic public intellectual with a PhD in Social Justice. And to make it even easier, the Discord automatically advertises its location on Craigslist at every stop and encourages the oppressed urban workers and peasants to make off with it.

While the Envia Discord 2015 may not have brakes, seat belts, airbags, locks or a windshield (check your privilege), the money that could have gone to those entitled safety features was instead spent on turning its bumper into an HD screen that automatically pulls the latest social justice hashtags from Twitter and displays them as bumper stickers.

The Discord 2015 is inclusive. Its seat cushions, woven out of fair trade whole grain fibers by Yamadu Indians in Bolivia, accommodate a variety of sizes and shapes. Its cup holder can blend wheatgrain smoothies and can perform emergency sex change operations for those who want to give up their cisgender privilege.

Envia Motors has also reached out to the Muslim community by programming the Discord 2015 to explode when it hears the words, “Jihad”, “Allahu Akbar” or “Shiite.” It will also explode when its internal CPU, which is always monitoring your conversations, hears anything racist, homophobic, transphobic, cisgender, heteronormative or any other thoughtcrimes from a list that is constantly being updated through the cloud.

Sometimes the Discord 2015 will just explode for no reason. Check your privilege.

Unlike consumer cars, the Discord has no manual. Instead it has a six year graduate course that takes you through the intricacies of Western capitalism and invites you to understand your complicity in the oppression of others.

If you refuse to educate yourself, it’s your own fault.

There is also no help line. The expectation that white people should have unlimited access to the time of trans bisexual people of color is an insidious form of privilege. And our help line, which doesn’t take calls, is entirely manned by trans bisexual people of color.

Check your privilege.

Everyone knows electric cars have a higher carbon footprint than ordinary petrol death machines. That’s why the Discord isn’t an electric car. You can put in any number of sustainable environmentally correct fuels into its tank from seaweed smoothies to Iranian Uranium into its tank… but it still won’t run.

That’s because the Discord is powered by people power. Literally.

To make the Discord move forward, just rope a dozen members of the bourgeois middle class to its fair trade tenterhooks. Then crack a sustainable fair trade whip over their heads until they begin moving forward at a brisk trot taking you to a conference on income inequality or to your executive offices at the Department of Health and Human Service… just in time for your four hour lunch break.

We won’t lie to you. People have died in the making of the Discord 2015. And they will go on dying as Discords driven by multiple drivers with no brakes careen through urban environments leaving a trail of death in their wake. But people have always died fighting for social justice.

The Discord isn’t just another car, it’s a vehicle for social justice, and the blood on its grill, dashboard and tires demonstrates Envia’s commitment to a better world at any cost.

At any cost.

The deaths of your loved ones at the hands of the Envia Discord 2015 invite you to check your privilege. Automobile accidents are a First World problem. In most of the world, no one can even afford to be hit by a car. The life expectancy of a child in Africa is less than 5 minutes. The gasoline that fuels ordinary petrol death machines is made out of the congealed blood of Iraqi children.

Before you join that heteronormative transphobic class action lawsuit against Envia Motors, check your privilege and ask yourself, “How much am I willing to sacrifice for social justice?”

The Discord 2015. Coming soon to California and parts of Rhode Island.

  • Wolfthatknowsall

    God! That’s an ugly car …

    • Daniel Greenfield

      that’s because it’s a motorcycle

      • Wolfthatknowsall

        But it’s green!

        • Daniel Greenfield

          and it explodes if you look at it closely

          • Ken Zevo

            Warning: do NOT taunt Super Happy Fun Ball!

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEThEKS1BNk

          • The March Hare

            Love it. Be sure to keep in it’s original container and under refrigeration.

          • Wolfthatknowsall

            I’m sure it does. Can you imagine hitting a deer, in that thing?

          • CaoMoo

            Would you rather hit a deer in that or a smart car? It’s scary how far we’ve come :) By that I mean not at all far.

          • Daniel Greenfield

            Or a squirrel

          • Wolfthatknowsall

            Daniel, I thoroughly enjoy your sense of humor. But this was one of your best!

    • Ken Zevo

      The Messerschmitt KR200, or Kabinenroller (Cabin Scooter), was a three-wheeled bubble car designed by the aircraft engineer Fritz Fend and produced in the factory of the German aircraft manufacturer Messerschmitt from 1955 to 1964.

      source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Messerschmitt_KR200

      • Steeloak

        I think it is actually the Messerschmitt KR175

        • Ken Zevo

          You could easily be right. I would not be able to tell the difference, myself. I didn’t really dig that deep, just found the wiki entry & posted it.

          • The March Hare

            Thank you Sheldon Cooper.

        • The March Hare

          You are right. the 200 had front wheel cut-outs.

      • Daniel Greenfield

        It’s an Italian reworking of it

    • Steeloak

      It appears to be a Messerschmitt KR175 from the 1950′s.

      • Wolfthatknowsall

        What happened to Messerschmidt, if this is so? They made some of the most beautiful fighter aircraft, in the world, in the Second World War, including the first practical swept-wing jet fighter.

        Anyway, no one’s going to be singing … in November … “All I want for Christmas is a Mes-ser-schmidt, a Mes-ser- …”.

  • timmysfriend

    Best I’ve read today, I had to twitter it with pic. Have a great weekend Daniel:)

    • Daniel Greenfield

      thanks

  • UCSPanther

    Environmental and “Progressive” insanity all distilled and congealed into an automobile.

    A well done work of satire.

  • john spielman

    unfortunately this car is, as are ALL PROGRESSIVE ideas, relegated to the dung heap of history

  • DogmaelJones1

    This is your best satire yet, Daniel. I actually envy you for having written it.

    • Daniel Greenfield

      Thanks. I blame too much exposure to social justice warriors last week.

  • SoCalMike

    Standing O.
    Bravo.
    Greenfield can deliver penetrating analysis AND make you laugh hysterically.
    He is a gifted writer.

  • Douglas Mayfield

    WOW.
    I think my favorite, tough to choose, is steering wheels at every seat to sabotage patriarchy.
    You missed your calling. You should write side splitting skits for the latest hot late night talk show. (Get in there before Colbert takes over. He won’t laugh.)
    Thanks

    • Daniel Greenfield

      And they’re as likely to hire a conservative as I am to buy a Discord

  • wileyvet

    That’s awesome.

  • ArentIpretty

    Thank you. It’s great to start the day with a gut-busting laugh.

  • Cletus

    Take that libtards. I thinks this is funny and all but isn’t it pot calling the kettle black haha for a hebe to be racist about camel jockeys, homos and coloreds?

  • CaoMoo

    sad part is someone actually makes a car that looks like a snail turd apparently for its in the illustration.

    Funny article this is what would happen if Tumblr made a car

  • CaoMoo

    Oh but it doesn’t seem to support people who are multiple systems. Unless all the individuals can front at once and steer.