Kerry: Invading Eastern Ukraine is a “Hard Line”

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According to experts, a hard line is north of a red line, but south of the “unbelievably small strikes” that Kerry is fond of.

It’s not clear what will happen when the “hard line” is crossed. It may involve…

1. A phone call from John Kerry to anyone in Russia who still takes his calls for laughs warning that Russia is on “the wrong side of history.”

2. Sanctions against the Deputy Under-Governor of Southern Siberia

3. An emergency shipment of 2,000 copies of “Dreams From My Father” to besieged Ukrainian soldiers

 Secretary of State John Kerry informed a group of students on Tuesday that the administration has drawn a “hard line” against a possible Russian invasion of East Ukraine. He said that such a step would be an “egregious” escalation of tensions in Eastern Europe.

Asked what the White House’s response would be if East Ukraine was invaded by Russia, Kerry said the administration regards that action as a “major breach.”

“That would be as egregious as any step that I can think of that could be taken by a country in today’s world, particularly by a country like Russia where so much is at stake,” he continued.

So if Russia crosses Kerry’s “Hard Line” they will have committed a “Major Breach”. If Russia crosses the “Major Breach”, it will be considered an “Egregious Escalation” and will result in “Double Secret Probation.”

Looks like John Kerry’s hard line is as soft as his red line was yellow.

  • Andrew

    Double Facepalm…again?! Does the Administration realize that Putin is on the other side this time and won’t coming to “save” them from themselves. Either Obama starts World War III now or his master scheme is complete and what little deterrence creditability we have left is toast.

    • A Z

      Nah, double face palm wouldn’t work. This requires wearing a ball cap pulled low, wrap around sunglasses, a bear and mustache for the rest of Kerry’s life.

      • DogmaelJones1

        No, I don’t think that would work as a disguise. His profile is now too well known. You could probably even spot in any Wal-Mart fashion parade.

  • tickletik

    This is what a homosexual America looks like. Sterile.

  • truebearing

    ““Double Secret Probation?” Oh no…not that. That could put us on the slippery slope to more sanctions and inflicting Joe Biden on our national reputation, yet again. Anyway, how will Russia know when it can be our trusted friend again? How will they know when they can demand we give up tanks, fighters, and nukes in return for nothing from them? This is too harsh. We’ll just end up hurting their feelings.

    The only thing hard about Kerry’s line is being able to see it.

  • Mark Gordon

    Genius article. And funny as fuck.

  • Alphamail

    I believe John Kerry may be on the right track.
    Negotiating directly with our Russian counterpart has never seemed to work to our benefit very effectively in the past.
    Conveying our national objectives to a group of students seems sensible in light of this administration’s approach to foreign affairs.
    Perhaps one of the student’s uncle’s cousin’s brother’s wife knows a neighbor who may have a sister of a distant cousin who babysits Putin’s kids?
    Maybe she can confront Vlad with our important national interests during an after-school pickup.
    I know, I know…the whole thing rests on whether or not the girl speaks English, but that’s the nature of politics – always iffy.

    • salty2012

      Where is Romney when you need him? Oh I know, he didn’t win the election because he was too busy campaigning(being the good guy because Karl Rove says that’s how Republicans win elections), saying how Obama was really a good person.

  • Gee

    My only question is why does Netanyahu fear and listen to these cowards?

    • Arkady Renko

      He doesn’t. He will do what is in Israel’s interest, as he should.

  • kevinstroup

    The Russians better tread carefully. Secretary of State Lurch may give them a stern look and a talking to. Oh, the humanity of it all!

    • Habbgun

      I always get offended when anyone compares Kerry to Lurch. Lurch was loyal and did not suffer fools gladly. Kerry is a high placed traitor who is glad to be a fool.

      • kevinstroup

        I stand corrected. ;)

  • Habbgun

    No, No, No. This is a complete misuse of the State Department style sheet. An egregious escalation is when Israel makes use of its own land. This is an unfortunate and provocative decision by a member of the world community. This means sanctions on raspberry gum, a two week ban on Vodka imports and no signed pictures of Obama for the mantle.

  • john_robinson

    …and imagine that this clown wanted to be President. And MILLIONS voted for him. Good God.

  • Jon Carry

    There is a difference between between ‘mauve’ and ‘taupe’ lines in the sand?
    How about ‘burnt Sienna’?