Obama to Save Planet by Strapping Gas Tanks to Cows


Elect a madman, get insanity. Forget the economy and Ukraine. Let’s pivot to cow burp prevention while raising meat prices.

A White House climate initiative has boosted a quixotic search for the “cow of the future”, a next-generation creature whose greenhouse gas emissions would be cut by anti-methane pills, burp scanners and gas backpacks.

If you like your cow, you can keep your cow. No wait, you have to accept the cow of the future instead. It comes with burp scanners that automatically bleep a text on white privilege in morse code.

The Obama administration’s launch last month of a plan to curb methane emissions has given fresh relevance to climate-friendly technologies for cattle that range from dietary supplements and DNA gut tests to strap-on gas tanks.

“Ninety-seven per cent of all the methane gas is released by the front end through burps, not from the back end,” he said.

Based on his research priorities, the dairy cow of the future will be the unstressed inhabitant of spacious accommodation, munching on anti-methane gourmet grains that are processed by an efficient, best-in-species digestive system.

And no, you won’t be able to afford a hamburger.

Financial barriers are hampering the adoption of tools to limit methane from cattle, as was the case with early technology to curb pollution from power stations and motor vehicles.

The costs are prohibitive for dairy and beef farmers and the kind of research that could make the tools more cost-effective would require public funding.

Patrick Zimmerman, C-Lock’s founder, says prices start at $45,000 but stresses the economic benefits of improved efficiency. “Of the energy the animals eat, 3 to 15 per cent is lost as methane and that’s a waste,” he says.

Don’t worry, there’s a better answer. Go North Korean.

Ilmi Granoff of the Overseas Development Institute said an alternative to controlling cattle emissions would be to cut the number of cows.
“Forget coal, Forget cars. The fastest way to address climate change would be to dramatically reduce the amount of meat people eat,” he said. “But that involves cultural preferences and they are difficult to touch.”

Just accuse anyone who eats meat of being a racist. Problem solved.

  • Veracious_one

    Those who voted for him must be so proud….

    • CaoMoo

      Based on the number of bumper stickers I see daily some really still are

    • Cochise57

      I believe they are, and that to me is the saddest part.

  • DogmaelJones1

    Reality is the chief barrier, really. “Financial barriers are hampering the adoption of tools to limit methane from cattle, as was the case with early technology to curb pollution from power stations and motor vehicles.” But then diet planners and behavior managers and energy rationers are disconnected from reality. Finance is not a true barrier. Just apply for a grant or subsidy from Obama.

  • Domobrac

    I would rather strap a gas can to Obama’s face. If anything, it would shut him up and enhance his features.

  • Domobrac

    Excuse me, gas backpack.

    • A Z

      The cow will bump into or rub against a fence post or tree because its’ back itches and the backpack will break. The EPA will be there to fine the cattle raising operation for a “methane spill”.

      This whole methane things goes back 30 years to the 1980s. they are recycling a busted argument. The Left back then were wringing their hands over cow farts back in the day.

      I forgot the author’s name, but she wrote a book in the 1980s refuting their “Chicken Little” philosophy. She pointed out before there were a million cows there used to be a million buffalo. We need to find that book again and ridicule their stupid argument all over again.

  • A Z

    Is it possible to capture 100% of energy in a system?

    I would say that is thermodynamically impossible (2nd law of thermodynamics). The point is that there are going to be energy losses.

    But to study thermodynamics, Obama would have to study 1 or 2 semesters of physics. He would also need 2 semesters of calculus.

    All that we know that he has studied is law and something else at Columbia for which we are not privy to see his grades. We do not know that he actually earned his degrees but rather they were given to him because of his BLACK SKIN PRIVILEGE. What he did study was Marxists theology and how to kiss up to Leftist teachers.

    • Daniel Greenfield

      Obama is too smart to study thermodynamics.

      • truebearing

        True, but he is quite gifted at producing noxious, hot gas himself. He’s an experiential expert. Maybe he could be fitted with an unremovable gas collection tank to cut down on his belching of toxic political smog. I’m thinking a full face mask — cast iron would do — with a 500 lb collection tank, strapped, welded, or inserted wherever it would fit.

  • glpage

    “And no, you won’t be able to afford a hamburger.” – Probably the real goal of this stupidity. People on the left REALLY need to be engaged in productive endeavors. But then they probably wouldn’t be leftists anymore.

  • truebearing

    This is just another ridiculous attempt at masking the environmentalist goal of eliminating the eating of meat or the agricultural use of animals for food. This is all about raising the cost of farming, driving farmers and ranchers out of business, and eliminating the categories of food they produce.

    It’s only a matter of time before farmers are required to use only square wheels on their machinery.

    Zimmerman is an enviroprenuer, trying to profit from environmentalism’s conspiracy to deprive humans of jobs, freedom, and food. I won’t dignify such an idiot by calling him an inventor. Ideas this stupid don’t deserve that recognition.

    I have an unoriginal idea of where he should store his methane tanks…

  • CowboyUp

    “You can herd cows or eat beef, but you’ll go broke doing it,” is on the way. Beef is the new coal fired power plant (like pickup trucks have become the new SUVs). Don’t worry though, there will be enough meat for our rulers, and the posh resorts where they vacation and have their global warming summits. We’ve ‘progressing’ to the middle ages, meat for the nobles, and gruel for the serfs.

    The description of the hardware these cows are subjected to in the links is pretty horrifying, tubes in the stomach, a big harness, a backpack, and some kind of superbland feed. If they did all this to cows to make them produce more meat or taste better they’d probably be up on animal cruelty charges

    • carpe diem 36

      wasn’t it Al Gore who pushed for climate change restriction and green energy for us little people while he used enough energy in his home to fire a factory? this is typical left wing philosophy so why be surprised by this??

      • CowboyUp

        Yep, when he wasn’t flying around the world on his private jet to give global warming speeches, while “big oil” Bush owned a modest eco-friendly ranch house. I hear algore recently spent a big chunk to make his house seem more efficient, but that’s only because he was catching it for his blatant hypocrisy. It’s also obvious al isn’t skimping on food.

  • CaoMoo

    And the tyranical stupidity just upped the ante

  • NJK

    I think this should be classified as animal abuse. I’m a Christian. God created the cow, therefore, he created how a cow’s digestive system operates. Am I to believe God made a mistake, and the cows are causing problems for the planet?

    I just can’t take anymore of this. Please someone ask Obama to kill himself, and maybe his friends and family too. That way, the planet will have much less CO2.

    Psychopaths are destroying this nation. GET THESE PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR STATES. TELL THEM TO GET OFF OF YOUR PRIVATE FARMS. THEY HAVE NO BUSINESS DOING THIS TO COWS OR FARMERS. God, I wish someone would get this man, or Air Force One would crash with him on it. I just want him removed, and I don’t care how. Maybe he’ll get a terrible disease or something, that will kill him.

  • Mudpuppy

    Just when I think lefty moonbats can’t get any more stupid, they prove me wrong.

  • carpe diem 36

    this to sick to read. i could only get beyond the first paragraph. we have nothing but insane people in the gov’t leadership.

  • DVult

    Obambi is now hanging around with cows so as to retain bragging rights to the smartest mammal in the room (or barn or whatever). I can’t help but think that he might still be losing.