Elect a madman, get insanity. Forget the economy and Ukraine. Let’s pivot to cow burp prevention while raising meat prices.
A White House climate initiative has boosted a quixotic search for the “cow of the future”, a next-generation creature whose greenhouse gas emissions would be cut by anti-methane pills, burp scanners and gas backpacks.
If you like your cow, you can keep your cow. No wait, you have to accept the cow of the future instead. It comes with burp scanners that automatically bleep a text on white privilege in morse code.
The Obama administration’s launch last month of a plan to curb methane emissions has given fresh relevance to climate-friendly technologies for cattle that range from dietary supplements and DNA gut tests to strap-on gas tanks.
“Ninety-seven per cent of all the methane gas is released by the front end through burps, not from the back end,” he said.
Based on his research priorities, the dairy cow of the future will be the unstressed inhabitant of spacious accommodation, munching on anti-methane gourmet grains that are processed by an efficient, best-in-species digestive system.
And no, you won’t be able to afford a hamburger.
Financial barriers are hampering the adoption of tools to limit methane from cattle, as was the case with early technology to curb pollution from power stations and motor vehicles.
The costs are prohibitive for dairy and beef farmers and the kind of research that could make the tools more cost-effective would require public funding.
Patrick Zimmerman, C-Lock’s founder, says prices start at $45,000 but stresses the economic benefits of improved efficiency. “Of the energy the animals eat, 3 to 15 per cent is lost as methane and that’s a waste,” he says.
Don’t worry, there’s a better answer. Go North Korean.
Ilmi Granoff of the Overseas Development Institute said an alternative to controlling cattle emissions would be to cut the number of cows.
“Forget coal, Forget cars. The fastest way to address climate change would be to dramatically reduce the amount of meat people eat,” he said. “But that involves cultural preferences and they are difficult to touch.”
Just accuse anyone who eats meat of being a racist. Problem solved.