I’m Make-Believe Outraged!

TRANSCRIPT:

I’m Make-Believe Outraged!

I’m Andrew Klavan and this is the Revolting Truth.

I am make-believe outraged at some of the things I’ve been hearing lately.  I am pretending to be deeply offended and I demand an insincere and meaningless apology.

Everywhere I turn there’s a celebrity or a politician or a businessman or a teenager on YouTube or some guy somewhere saying something that forces me to play at being shocked and hurt as if I had nothing better to do than just sit around pretending to be shocked and hurt as if I had nothing better to do…  than that.

There are pundits calling Muslims terrorists as if Muslims were killing people all around the world through acts of terror. There are conservatives insisting on their constitutional rights to free speech and gun ownership as if the constitution protected free speech and gun ownership.  There are even broadcasters calling fat women fat as if fat women were, y’know, fat.

You can’t just go around speaking plainly like that!  I am pretending to be shocked and I demand an insincere apology.

And another thing.  I will not have people openly behaving as if they were exactly who they are. Christians publicly praying as if they were Christians!  Gays kissing people of their own sex as if they were homosexual!  Women acting feminine!  Men acting like men!

This sort of thing is make-believe outrageous!  I’m not going to be forced to live in the world as it is!  I demand hypocrisy or, so help me, I’ll recoil in feigned horror at the basic facts of life.

Before individuals thoughtlessly open their mouths and say something I disagree with — or recklessly behave in a way completely in keeping with human nature — I want them to display a trigger warning so I can prepare to pretend I’m traumatized.

Everyone knows the truth will set you free.  And we can’t have that.  This is America.  I am make-believe outraged and I demand an insincere apology!

I’m Andrew Klavan with the revolting truth.

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  • SereneBowrageyel

    My Uncle
    Riley got an almost new red GMC Canyon just by some parttime working online
    with a laptop. visit their website F­i­s­c­a­l­p­o­s­t­.­C­O­M­

    • Morgan Michaels

      Outrageous Spam. I demand a sincere, contrite redaction: and immediate reparations.

      • Americana

        Best ‘spam blam’ ever!

  • therealend

    Okay, I’m sort of sorry.

  • Christopher Riddle

    Gee,I didn’t REALLY Mean It??????????????????????

  • johnnywood

    Well I am kinda sorta outraged about this whole mess:-)

  • Anamah

    Andrew I find you so offensively funny!
    Love you my friend!

  • Guest

    Frankly, I do not think liberals are faking their outrage over this, that, and the other thing. Every.Damn.Chance.They.Get. I think they are really quite genuinely sincere. They are really that dumb and over sensitive and upset about anything you can shake a stick at. I am convinced they mean it that much. Really.

    • LoJoFo

      The outrage may “feel” real to some (“feeling,” as opposed to “thinking”); however, its cultivation by the Big Boys is for the purpose of distracting from their real plans and machinations.

    • DB1954

      Some liberals probably are genuinely outraged over this and that. It only goes to show just how deceived they are by other liberals. The former are the deceived, and the latter are the deceivers.

  • herb benty

    Satire is highly effective, and really funny in this case!

  • Raptormann

    I do hereby apologize for being a blue-eyed, white, American male and I fain sincerely to be brown-eyed, a brown to black, Mexican-African-Asian-American for now on!

  • barry

    I am deeply offended calling people “colored” at any time. It is racist.

    Therefore, If there is any respect for our common humanity, any progress made away from anachronistic racism, the term NAACP would be struck from our discourse. Instead it should read – National Association for the Advancement of Negro People (NAANP).

    Thank you,
    Justice NOW!

  • http://frontlineofdefense.com j.veritas

    Enjoyed this satire about the cultural crybabies we have become. Just linked it to my site, frontlineofdefense.com. My audience will love Klavan.

  • http://frontlineofdefense.com j.veritas

    “there’s even broadcasters calling fat women, fat, as if they were, y’know…fat.” Love it.