Putin’s Secret Message to Obama

In which our multilingual host translates a secret videogram from Russian President Vladimir Putin to American President Barack Obama on the current state of Russian/American relations.

TRANSCRIPT:

I’m Andrew Klavan and this is the Revolting Truth.

Ever since President Obama took office, he’s been making friendly overtures to the Russians, trying to “press the reset button” in relations between our two countries.  In 2012, the president was even caught on an open mike promising he’d have more “flexibility” to cave in to Russian demands after he was re-elected.

Russian President Vladimir Putin has responded warmly to Obama’s gestures by warmly cheating on our arms treaties, warmly supporting our enemies in Syria, warmly annexing Crimea, and warmly abetting the destruction of a Malaysian airliner while warmly threatening to invade Ukraine.

Is there some subtle miscommunication between Russia’s leader and our own?  In search of an answer, we at the Revolting Truth have obtained a classified videogram sent from Putin to Obama that may shed some light on the current state of US/Russian relations.  The video is in the original Russian but I’ll do my best to translate.

Dear President Obama…  Thank you for offer of great flexibility…  I am believing in you…   because women are more flexible than men and I think of you…  as weak woman who I am slapping in face…  like Chechnyan prostitute.

Unfortunately, since my scrumptious devouring of Crimea…  you are making squeaky mouse noises…  threatening sanctions from… imagined storybook place called international community… which coming from former community organizer girl like yourself makes ex-KGB man like me laugh ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha.

Ha.

I am very much enjoying when you offer me so-called “off-ramp” of my Crimea invasion as if re-building mighty Soviet borders was just big silly boo-boo I am making… I will certainly very soon say “oops” and withdraw my armies…  no…  Just kidding.

I am also liking very much when you tell me I cannot invade Ukraine because this is 21st century…  I am glad you are owning calendar so you will not be late for playing golf game… in girly shorts.

Now I must fly to Havana to lease fighter jets to Castros and establish military bases there…  In words of great American Jew songwriter Irving Berlin, I will See You in C.U.B.A.

Goodbye funny little president girl.  I thank you for joking at Mitt Romney when he called Russia U.S. enemy.  You are good friend to me and great lollipop…  No…  no…  sucker…  and you can kiss my mighty Russian donkey.

That must be some sort of old slavic expression or something.

Well… I hope that clears things up.

I’m Andrew Klavan with the Revolting Truth.

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  • Yehuda Levi

    Good satire needs to be based on some truth…

    And in this case, there is a lot of it.

    • Sonnen Segel

      Its all fun and games as long as Obama is taking the stick.

      But what about Israels role in this game? Since the Russia-Ukraine crisis erupted in late March, Israel has deliberately refrained from criticizing Moscow. Israel refused to support the US led General Assembly resolution on Crimea. Israel does not support the Wests boycott of Putin.

      It would seem that Israels claim to “special relations” with support and defence of western values and codes of conduct ends when these or not in Israel prime interest.

      So while Obama may be accused of indecisiveness towards Putin, Netenjahu and Liebermann turn out to be full strategic supporters of Putin. And while the US, the EU, Canada, Australia, Japan and Australia ramp up a multi billion dollar embargo war against Putin, Israeli delegations flock to Moscow to pick up the lost business of their “allies”.

      • Adheeb

        Interesting perspective.

      • reader

        and what is it that Putin relies on Israel for, exactly? Just don’t mention weapons sales, since Israel has just blocked its companies from sending drone technology to Russia.

      • joe

        I guess it’s true. There is nothing bad on this planet that someone won’t invent a way to blame on the Jews. Incredible. I’ll bet if a meteor struck the Earth and threw us into darkness, you would blame it on the “nonexistent G0d of the Jews.”

      • RMThoughts

        Israel sees the sign of a declining empire and world power. Israel knows the ramifications of the end of the Petro-dollar. Israel has not survived as a people for thousands of years by being stupid. They do not put their eggs in one basket.

      • mcbee555

        I think the Israelis believe they can’t depend upon Obama, his “policies” have failed without even considering his ambivalent attitude towards Netanyahu. It is personal between Obama and Netanyahu, just as it’s personal with Obama-Putin. Obama cannot stand being trumped, but his indecisiveness invites it. Obama bears personal grudges, there is no statesmanship involved. He wants to be the “smartest guy in the room,” and he can’t be with Putin nor Netanyahu. The Israelis walk a very tight rope in their neighborhood. Putin has a lot of clout with Syria, which would like nothing more than to trigger war on Israel’s northern border. If anyone can keep a lid on it, it would be Putin. Putin also deals with Iran and the Israelis would be served well to have some cordiality at The Kremlin. Also, Israel had a good market going in W.Europe, then W.Europe placed boycott on Israeli products. Euro anti-Semitism has also broken out again. That can be very tiring and destabilizing. Russia could probably pick up some of the trade slack that W.Europe left. It is interested in importing fruits and produce, Israel grows among the best in that market.

      • Johnnie the Jew

        I don’t see much wrong in “israeli delegations flocking to Moscow to pick up the lost business of their (traitorous) allies”. Bloody good entrepreneurs those Israelis I say. You have to admire them

    • RMThoughts

      Satire or truth?

      • Charie

        Both. I’ve been seeing Klavan’s stuff for quite a few years and everything he says is truth layered with humor. He’s a highly intelligent man who is on the political scene and knows whereof he speaks.

  • Alex

    FFS, the author of this story is just a complete idiot. You know nothing but pretend like you know the truth… the truth is you being fed false information and your media doesn’t fansy to contradict to the official position of your government, and after that you are talking about democracy…. crazy people

    • Charie

      I beg to differ. Andrew Klavan knows what he’s talking about. I heard what was said on the open mic myself. Most people can tell where the reality ends and the humor takes over.

  • Wolfthatknowsall

    SUMMARY: Obama is weak and indecisive. Putin is not. Putin is b****-slapping Obama, at every opportunity …

  • IslamDownpressesHumanity

    Putin doesn’t provide free financial aid to islamic fascist states. Putin never said: “there must be no future for those who slander the prophet of islam” in front of the entire UN. Putin never used the IRS to persecute his political enemies. Putin never blackmailed Israeli PM Netanyahu, nor forced him to release over a hundred convicted, muslim murderers. Putin never suggested Israel unilaterally withdraw its borders to indefensible pre-1967 borders. On the whole, Putin is a more a leader of the free world than the 0bamanoid ever was.

  • RMThoughts

    Bad Putin — he hasn’t “responded warmly to Obama’s gestures” of US sponsoring a anti-Russian coup d’etat in Ukraine, the US support of a neo-Nazi Kiev regime carrying out ethnic cleansing in the former Russian areas of Ukraine. Putin is enthusiastic with the idea of mandatory uni-polar American hegemony. He would prefer that the US noundermine Russian/EU trade and not declare economic war against Russia. He doesn’t appreciate the media war and propaganda campaign waged against Russia while Obama and the West fails to give any substantiating proof of Russian involvement in the Malaysian Airliner. Poor Putin doesn’t like the idea that the US has unilaterally discarded the ABIM Treaty and adopted a first strike military strategy. Poor Putin, he is a bad man, when he is attacked he defends himself.

    • American Patriot

      The former regime of Viktor Yanukovich in Ukraine was a neo-Communist dictatorship, just like the dictatorship in Belarus. Yanukovich wanted Ukraine to follow Belarus’ footsteps in becoming neo-Communist Russia’s next client state. What happened in Kiev earlier this year was that the people got fed up with a neo-Communist dictatorship and decided to have a democratic revolution in order to save Ukraine and keep it democratic and pro-Western. Neo-Communist Russia’s response to the democratic revolution in Ukraine was to forcefully annex Crimea, which has been Ukrainian territory for a long time. Also, why don’t you complain about Russian NGOs working in the United States seeking regime change here, just like they did during the Cold War. Russia Today news network is part of that NGO network. What Russia needs to do is return to the Yeltsin years, when Russia was truly democratic and actually pro-Western. Yeltsin’s biggest mistake was not expelling every Communist and neo-Communist from power in Russia, knowing that one day, they were going to be a huge problem in world politics, as the neo-Communists are full of hate and vengeance and are sore losers. The United Russia Party is the modern-day Communist Party of the Soviet Union, since both parties have a lot in common with each other, especially on foreign policy.

  • mcbee555

    Very Russian and also very accurate of Putin’s attitude towards Obama.

  • justsayin

    Pretty much sums it up…

    .