Do Good Jihadist Dogs Get 72 Virgins in Paradise?

“Anyone killed by the US is a martyr, even if it is a dog.”


Islamic theology is endlessly fascinating, at once completely rigid and yet self-serving, eager to embrace extremes and yet pliable when it comes to ideological conveniences.

Sunnis can ally with Shiites when need be, and then go back to killing them. Then Sunnis can declare that even Jews are better than Shiites and less deserving of death.

And then there are the dogs.

Islam hates dogs. Mohammed ordered the killing of black dogs. But when it comes to Americans, there may be room in paradise for good Jihadist dogs after all.

Jamiat Ulema-e-Islam-Fazl (JUI-F) chief Maulana Fazlur Rehman, while talking to the media in Islamabad on Tuesday, stated that anyone killed by the United States, even if it is a dog, is a martyr, Express News reported.

He said this when he was questioned regarding the death of the late Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) leader Hakimullah Mehsud who was killed by a US drone strike on November 1.

Soon after speaking to the media, the JUI-F chief reiterated at the National Assembly that “anyone killed by the US is a martyr, even if it is a dog.”

Calling someone a dog is about the worst possible insult in Muslim culture. Even worse than Jew. Still apparently even a dog can become a martyr.

The question though is will Jihadist dogs martyred by the Great Satan get 72 virgins in paradise? Will the suicide bombers and their virgins in paradise get along with the giant army of barking dogs and their virgins overrunning paradise, fouling the rivers of wine and honey, and drinking up all the rivers of milk and water, defecating in the palaces made of gold and silver and burrowing into the mountains of musk?

And where does this end? If dogs can be martyrs, what of all the bugs living on the poppy plants cultivated by the pious Taliban and destroyed by the American infidels?

Surely the bugs too must be martyrs and go to Jannah where they will all receive 72 virgin insects and bracelets of gold and silver and they will buzz through the palaces, sting the virgins and suicide bombers and their handsome immortal youths and build nests in the mountains of musk.

And then the Sunni martyrs will begin killing the Shiite martyrs and Jannah is going to look a lot like Syria.

Tags: Jihad