Muslim Terrorist States Argue Over Which of Them is Distorting Islam

"Assad said that extremists distort the real Islam, which is tolerant,"

Help, someone here is distorting the real Islam. Help, someone here is distorting the real Islam.

We all know that the real Islam is a religion of peace. A pacifist religion which was spread by Mohammed handing out bunches of flowers to people and asking them if they wouldn't like to sit down in a circle with him and groove.

And then he chopped off their heads if they refused.

Despite being an incredibly peaceful religion, there seems to be a lot of violence revolving around Islam, the way that the earth revolves around the sun. No one knows exactly what causes it, but there are apparently extremists distorting Islam.

Who are these extremists? They're Muslim terrorists who have absolutely nothing to do with Islam. You can tell because they shout Allah Akbar while they peacefully chop off heads and play soccer with them. (That last one isn't even an exaggeration.)

So now let's play the fastest growing game show in the Middle East and Europe, "Who is distorting Islam"?

Contestant number one is the dictator of Syria, close ally of Iran and patron of the Hezbollah terrorist group. And he says it's the Saudis.

Syria's President Bashar al-Assad Monday called for a battle against Wahhabism, the political and religious ideology embraced by the Saudi government, a key backer of the uprising against his regime.

The comments came amid ongoing tensions between the two countries, which are fiercely opposed to each other.

"President Assad said that extremist and Wahhabi thought distort the real Islam, which is tolerant," state news agency SANA said.

Sure. You can tell how tolerant it is if you visit Iran, the Shiite superpower keeping Assad afloat, which is constantly killing people in the name of the real Islam.

Contestant number two is the tyrant of Saudi Arabia, patron of most of the Sunni Muslim terrorists of the world.

Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah issued a statement on Sunday calling for the Syrian regime to “stop the killing machine.”

“Large numbers of martyrs have fallen, their blood has been shed, and many others have been wounded,” he said. “This is not in accord with religion, values, and morals.”

It's not in accord with religion, values, and morals? So what were Saudi tanks doing in Bahrain? Oh, but those were Sunnis against Shiites which is completely different than Shiites against Sunnis.

Someone is clearly distorting Islam here. But I just can't figure out who.

Constant number three is dead, but still kicking it on the internet, he's Sheikh Anwar Al-Awlaki, beloved martyr of the ACLU and Al Qaeda.

"If the US is openly stating unashamed that it is bent on distorting Islam then it is our duty to step up our efforts in defending our religion from this distortion."

Now I understand. America is distorting Islam. It couldn't be Muslims. Obviously. So what does Anwar Al-Awlaki think is the real Islam that America is attempting to distort?

Al Jazeera: The Washington Post and The Wall Street Journal have quoted CIA investigators as talking about the possibility of targeting you in a drone attack. Why do you think the Americans want to kill you?

Awlaki: Because I am a Muslim and I promote Islam.  The charge is "incitement"; my relationships with Nidal Hasan, Umar Farouk and some 9/11 attackers, and now I am accused of being linked to 14 cases...

"They want to market the democratic and peaceful US Islam... they want an Islam that has no sharia ruling, no jihad and no Islamic caliphate."

"We call for the Islam that was sent by Allah to Prophet Muhammad, the Islam of jihad and sharia ruling."

I hate to say it, but the droned terrorist has a point.