GQ, the citrus scented home of the #Resistance, has finally found a crazier Trump-hater than Keith Olbermann. How better to convince your parents that their vote for Trump was a mistake than by ruining Thanksgiving.
This Turkey Day, consider making life HELL for a few of your relatives.
As Michelle Obama likes to say, when they go low, we ruin Thanksgiving.
This year, if you’re headed home to a household that still thinks a sex-offending game show host in rapid cognitive decline was the best choice for a president, it is your civic duty to filibuster Thanksgiving.
Because you're a leftist. And a terrible person. But I repeat myself.
If every other moment of this year is going to be drastically out of whack, nobody should get to pretend that everything is normal for one meal just because that’s what the pilgrims would have done.
If entitled lefties aren't happy, no one gets to be happy. Baby will throw a tantrum. And I do mean a tantrum.
Don’t show up. For some parents, your absence will speak louder than any sodden arguments over the density of pumpkin pie. If you can’t even look them in the eye, they’ll know you mean business.
Show up and be kind of an asshole. No hugs; only stiff, formal handshakes. During the football game, talk about police brutality nonstop.
Scorched Earth. Not even a handshake; just stare, disgustedly, at their outstretched arms. Build a wall out of mashed potatoes. During the football game, order 10 Papa John’s pizzas—the official foodstuff of the alt right—and use them as pie charts to demonstrate who benefits most from the GOP tax plan. Refuse to be alone in a room with your mom, citing the Mike Pence rule. Call your parents by a Donald Trump nickname of your choosing—perhaps Little Rocket Mom or Liddle’ Dad.
Here's a little reminder. Lefties are overgrown, malicious children occupying adult bodies.
Of course, this is about more than just spite—as satisfying as spite can be in these trying times. This is about potentially chipping away at the ~35 percent of un-budging Trump supporters. Sure, some of them are fully on board with every inexplicable decision, but others may be swayable. They are Fox News devotees who have simply internalized the message that all negative news about Trump is fake news. They know the president is unpopular, but they think his unpopularity is the strict province of haters and losers. It might be different when it’s their own child—who probably isn’t an Antifa supersoldier and who definitely doesn’t have loser genes—weighing in with cold hard facts. Having a son or daughter loathe everything you’ve become is easier long distance; it’s another thing when that kid is staring turkey-carving daggers at you from across the table.
If your family is unmoved after a ruined Thanksgiving, though, that’s fine too. After all, next year’s Thanksgiving falls just after the 2018 midterms, and if your true believer parents still feel the way they do now, you might ruin their holiday in another way.
Mommy, Daddy, stop voting for Trump or I'll hold my breath. And then I won't talk to you. And I'll lie on the floor and kick my feet and scream about police brutality.
Yes, these people should absolutely be allowed to set up a totalitarian Socialist dictatorship with absolute power. What could possibly go wrong?