Obama to Apologize to Afghans in Exchange for Security Deal

Obama will apologize for mistakes during the “war on terror.”


The non-Taliban Afghans (to the extent there are any) have zero leverage. They need the United States. The United States doesn't need them. But they've managed to get the leader of the United States to apologize to them in exchange for giving them what they desperately need.

Only Obama could pull off a deal like this. No wait, only Obama and Kerry.

U.S. and Afghan officials reportedly have reached a tentative agreement on a critical security pact — which would include President Obama writing a letter to the Afghan people acknowledging mistakes during the “war on terror.”

According to Reuters, an Afghan spokesman said Tuesday that Obama agreed to write the letter, to be presented with the draft security pact at a meeting of tribal elders later this week.

The New York Times, citing a spokesman for Afghan President Hamid Karzai, reported that Secretary of State John Kerry proposed the letter in a conversation with Karzai.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, at Tuesday’s daily press briefing in Washington, would not confirm or deny the letter when asked by Fox News.

“We don’t comment on presidential correspondence,” he said.

I think this might have been too much even for Carter. Clearly not for Obama. But I think I can imagine what the apology letter will look like.

Dear Afghan People,

I know that George W. Bush has been really mean to you. When I ran for office, I promised to lower the oceans and repair our relations with the rest of the world. But I spent most of my first term partying with Jay-Z, playing golf and passing ObamaCare.

I didn't really pay attention to anything that was going on in your part of the world, but General Petraeus gave me a copy of Three Cups of Tea and it's still sitting on my coffee table. One day I'm going to give in to Oprah and actually read it.

I hear you're unhappy about something. Between you and me, I don't really get involved with all this war stuff unless it's a photo op, like the time they killed that September 11 guy and made a movie about it starring me and some blonde girl. Between you and me, I'm not into all the blowing people up stuff.

But I can understand your pain. George W. Bush was a very, very bad man. And I'm sorry for all the hurt feelings. He paints cats and dogs now, but that's no excuse. I'm a Nobel Peace Prize winner though, so if there's anything you need done, just text Valerie.

So I'm sorry. Truly, truly sorry that George W. Bush was mean to you. Let's do a beer summit some time.

Allah Akbar

Barack Hussein Obama