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Order Michael Finch’s new book, A Time to Stand: HERE. Prof. Jason Hill calls it “an aesthetic and political tour de force.”
Sign up to attend Michael’s talk in Los Angeles on Thursday, November 20: HERE.
The Brazilian rainforest is so endangered that the latest UN climate conference will take place there. Along the way to saving the planet, a four lane highway had to be cut through tens of thousands of acres of protected and endangered rainforest. Endangered by its protectors.
(But the good news, according to the Brazilian government, is that it’s a “sustainable highway.)
And if that’s not enough, fleets of jets will soon descend on the Brazilian rainforest as an estimated 45,000 attendees will show up to party, socialize, conference, and listen to lectures about how this time the planet is really on the edge of destruction. Please pass the canapes.
COP30, as the conference is known, hasn’t saved the planet in 29 conferences, but maybe the 30th one will do the trick, at least if the delegates can find someplace to stay in the rainforest.
The Brazilian government is announcing that individual rooms are available for planet-savers from other countries for as high as $600. Over the summer, the UN held ‘emergency talks’ not over saving the planet, but over the cost of hotel rooms to save the planet from $600 rooms.
‘Poorer’ African nations warned that they couldn’t afford the cost of the hotel rooms (but they can usually afford gold watches, elaborate palaces and private armies) and would not come unless the costs came down. With the fate of the planet at stake, UN negotiators held several ‘urgent’ meetings to discuss plans for lowering the costs of a hotel room to save the planet.
Unfortunately the only way to lower the costs of the planet-saving hotel rooms would be chopping down even more rainforest to build more hotel rooms. Sometimes you have to destroy the rainforest to save the rainforest, or destroy the rainforest to make it cheaper to host African delegates to discuss saving the rainforest from umm… the people destroying the rainforest.
By then it was too late to build new hotels, but two massive cruise ships were dispatched to the Brazilian rainforest to provide African delegates with cheap cabins to stay in. For the planet.
The MSC Seaview, a 1,000 foot cruise ship with 18 decks, massive pool, four-story glass-walled atrium, disco, theater and full-sized bowling alleys, and the Costa Diadema, that has a 4D theater, a spa across 4 decks and a crew of over 1,000, were dispatched to save the planet by hosting the African diplomats to discuss reducing emissions from things like cruise ships.
It would take the average person 100 years to produce as many ‘emissions’ as these cruise ships do in one hour. But sometimes you just have to pollute to stop polluting the planet.
These cabins on cruise ships going nowhere (an apt metaphor for both the UN and its serial climate conferences, currently up to 30 and counting) will be going for a mere $220.
While the Africans were appeased, the Europeans were still furious over the high price of hotel rooms and refused to book rooms at $600 a night. Not even for the sake of saving the planet.
The Brazilian government rushed to find cheaper motels and Airbnbs to save the conference and thus save the planet, and the Europeans relented, but cut back their delegations so that fewer diplomats will be coming to save the planet. And that might actually save the planet.
But since this is Brazil, for those truly passionate about saving the planet, many of the arrivals will have to make do with ‘love motels’ that in America are usually known as the sorts of places that charge by the hour.
As the New York Times described it, the ‘love motels’ are preparing “rooms that range from the sensual to the raunchy for a different kind of guest: diplomats and climate scientists, civil servants and environmental activists” and “taking out anything too erotic“ which suggests that they have no understanding of what diplomats and ‘civil servants’ actually do at conferences.
Diplomats and ‘climate scientists’ will be given the option of having the “erotic chair — a metal-and-leather contraption resembling a dentist’s chair that was bolted to the floor for safety” taken out. At another hotel, “an oversized framed picture of a person’s rear end” was taken down. The brothels are doing this in the hopes of charging foreigners as much as $650 a room.
There’s something undeniably fitting about using whorehouses to host UN conference attendees. For all the talk about saving the planet, these conferences are shakedown sessions at which nothing is done for the environment (which is invariably worse off after a mass of glorified tourists converges on some exotic out-of-the-way locale) and the only green is the kind that comes in wallets.
“I’m also listening to ‘Bitch Better Have My Money’ by Rihanna nonstop,” Juan Carlos Monterrey Gomez, the vice chair for the implementation of the UN Climate Convention, told reporters at COP29 which was held in the oil-rich and otherwise bleak hinterlands of Baku.
Juan’s female dog in question was the Western world, and it’s tired of bringing the money to pay off third worlders, whether for expensive rooms in mildly redecorated brothels, for ‘climate offsets’ or for their ‘climate catastrophes’. Much of the talk at the COPs comes down to creating large funds with which to bribe Africa, Asia and Latin America into going along with the latest version of the Chicken Little hoax, from ice ages to global warming to climate change, that a bunch of special interests and their hired ‘scientists’ describe as the ‘climate consensus’.
Third world countries are too busy wiping out endangered species to care about the planet. The only reason they show up to these UN shindigs is to demand ‘compensation’ from the West. The compensation comes in the form of funds set up to help them deal with the supposed effects of ‘global warming’ and in the form of ‘climate offsets’ in which Western nations agree to ‘cut’ emissions, but in practice just pay third world countries to buy some of their non-emissions.
If this sounds confusing, imagine that UN Secretary General António Manuel de Oliveira Guterres has promised not to cheat on his wife, but he finds himself staying in a Brazilian ‘love motel’ at a mere $650 a night and decides to use one of the menus to avail himself of a local lady of the evening who is similarly disposed to reducing emissions and saving the planet.
But UN Secretary General António Manuel de Oliveira Guterres has taken a firm vow at COP29 to stop cheating on his wife. So he arranges for an ‘adultery’ offset in which he offers $220 to a local gentleman who is not cheating on his wife to offset his adultery. Guterres, now in possession of an ‘adultery offset certificate’ then commits adultery. And when Mrs. Guterres catches him in the act, shows her the certificate and explains that he’s not committing adultery, he’s actually reducing the total amount of planetary adultery by offsetting his adultery with the purchase of someone else’s unused adultery. And this is really a way to end adultery.
If this sounds like a complete immoral fraud, welcome to the business of saving the planet. You not only know more than all the ‘experts’, but you’re not paying $600 for a room in a brothel or paying $600 million in climate offsets to non-industrialized countries to buy their pollution.
Fortunately, President Trump is keeping American diplomats home and out of Brazil. That means we’ll save money on their hotel rooms/brothels and actually save the planet.
Nothing newsworthy is going to happen I guess
Okay what’s the total size of the Useless Nations total Carbon Footprints? lets use Football Fields shall we?
Similar to Davos.
That’s some quality writing right there 🤣
Climate Change: Just another justification for crime, slavery, pollution, and communism.
Pardon the pleonasm.
Reading about this insanity I can only think of a Charles Manson quote, “Being crazy used to really mean something. Today it don’t mean nothing. Everyone is crazy.”
My favourite Charles Manson quote: We didn’t murder anyone because you can’t kill “kill”.
Daniel Greenfield has an eye for the comedy of leftist absurdity that matches his analytical acuity. A genius.
Thank you. The absurdity isn’t hard to spot though.
Daniel, have you been reading Mad Magazine again?
Very funny article Jimmy Kimmel should call. His writers are awful. Why would those people care about the price of anything. Maybe cutting USAID is working?
I don’t think late night shows are interested in comedy anymore. It’s easy work when all you have to write is “CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT TRUMP DID TODAY???” -deadpan face followed by performative outrage
what happened to zoom conferences ? i guess it would mean that you couldnt ride the gravy train .
PAH! That wouldn’t be any fun. No parties that feature the finest in food and drink, no travel on luxury private jets and no hookers and drugs.
“Have you heard about Daniel Greenfield?” asked the UN propaganda adviser.
“He’s from New York surely he appreciates the fact that without the UN half the offices would be empty”
“He’s from New York? He must be a socialist surely”
“He’s an established writer, why can’t we bribe, sorry, pay him a bonus?”
Answers on a postcard please.
lol, thanks Mo 🙂
First thing that made me laugh in several days 🙂
You are welcome my friend, I’ve not been around much lately but I’ll try harder.
Everywhere these people stay are whore houses, no disrespect to actual whores, who do good work.
So now attendees can experience “global warming” firsthand in a roach motel…
So now attendees can experience “global warming” firsthand in a roach motel…
Daniel: your article this time reminded me of the dark humor of Evelyn Waugh of “The Loved One” fame!
Beautifully written. Very creative. Thanks Daniel.
My thoughts exactly, I just love the piss take & sarcasm, written by a brilliant word smith our good friend
Daniel who always writes the truth. Thank you.
I love you, Daniel, but you just ruined my lunch.
Why is Brazil even hosting a climate conference when the ball is reputedly in their court. Can’t the Brazilian government forbid Brazilian ranchers from burning down the Brazilian rainforest? Or is it easier to persuade meat-lovers around the world to stop eating steaks and hamburgers?
Daniel Greenfield — that was brilliant. You hilariously eviscerated the preposterous climate grifters and third world gimme-crats with their Klaus Schwabian “erotic chairs” and “adultery offset certificate’s”. Skewered farce, the perfect dish for the UN’s COPD love in. Laugh out loud satire — biting comedy gold. Thank you.
A friend who’s family owned a rum plantation in Guyana in the amazon jungle when was a kid told me that his family heard his sister screaming from the bathroom and ran in to find a huge boa constrictor emerging from the toilet bowl having slithered up the archaic plumbing to nip his sister’s ass. For some reason, your desciption of the Keystone COP30 lunacy reminds me of this story.
My first encounter with ‘environmentalism’ was 1970 when a report come out that the Amazon jungle would be gone by 2000. Well? I’m waiting.
Will “Al” attend?
Is Fat Tony, the UN General Secretary, still telling us that it’s no longer ‘Climate Warming’ but now it’s ‘Climate Boiling’?
Who actually chooses these freaks for their jobs?