Well, the election is all over. I want to thank you again for making me the happiest man in the world. I also want to share with you a few thank-you notes I’m sending, as well as a few messages I got after our great victory.
Your permanent running mate, Barack
Dear Governor Romney,
Michelle and I thank you and Ann for being such nice people and for running such a clean campaign. It was a real challenge to beat someone who has no sex scandals (like I used against my Senate race opponents) or any other skeletons in the closet.
David Axelrod and I had to be really inventive, pretending our economic problems were caused by your investment portfolio. Axelrod bet his mustache that you would eventually insult me, but I knew you’d never do that. Yes, Axelrod already bet his mustache a few times in this campaign, but he lost to me. [You see, you’re not alone.] That’s the real reason he set up that charity challenge offering to shave it if the goal was reached, because he has to shave that thing off anyway. Rahm Emanuel also lost the same bet, but he wagered on his leotard. I’m giving it to my youngest daughter. Please don’t let anyone know about David and Rahm. In Chicago, we don’t laugh at people making fun of us. Or as they say: never bring a smile to a fight.
Dear Former Republican Candidates—Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, etc.
Thank you for exhausting Mitt Romney and forcing him to spend his war chest fighting you. That meant he did not have enough money to answer back when I spent $100-million this summer to delegitimize him as a fat cat, tax-dodging, woman-hater.
Sen. Santorum, I want to thank you and those Republican Senate candidates in Missouri and Indiana for introducing marginal social issues which helped us define Romney as a right-wing bogeyman. Your help was priceless. Newt, you always had a way with words, and I used many of them to attack Romney as a rich kid out of touch with working class America.
Your favorite president,
Barack H. Obama
Dear Republican Voters,
Everyone said you were energized, but I want to thank you for proving them wrong. You and your indifference were my margin of victory.
Compared to the 2008 election, I lost more than nine million votes this year from my own backers and independent voters In 2008, about 69 million voted for me and about 59 million for McCain. This year I got about 60 million, while Romney got only 57 million (including more independent voters than McCain got and even a few people who voted for me). This means that two or three million voters who voted for McCain did not vote for Romney. Wow. Thanks so much.
If all the Republicans who voted for McCain had voted for Romney, then Romney would have caught me in the popular vote and maybe even surpassed me, perhaps even taking Florida, Virginia and one or two more close states. That was a close one.
Your president too [ha, ha],
Dear David (Axelrod),
Thanks for running the campaign in true Chicago fashion. Romney never knew what hit him. Had you advised him, he would have smashed me for Libya and other bumps in the road. Instead he let me slide. Romney reminds me of McCain who never went after me for my ties with Jeremiah Wright, Bill Ayers and some of the others. It’s nice to have nice guys for opponents. Nice guys finish second. Cheers, BO.
Dear David (Petraeus),
Thank you for your service to your country and for being discreet about the little affair that has unfortunately brought an end to your service. Thank you also for taking the job at CIA when we both know that your ideas about fighting terror and my ideas were not always compatible.
Your commander in Chief,
Dear Reverend Wright,
You and I both know how much I owe you for helping me in my personal and professional life. You brought me Michelle and connections to the community, and you taught me a lot about speaking to crowds.
We both know that I did not want to have to disown my ties to you in 2008, but I had no choice. I am really sorry for all that. It really hurt me and Michelle, and I would like to make it up to you by having you come to the White House to lead a prayer breakfast. You can also bring our mutual friend, Rev. Farrakhan, because while we will distribute “the pork,” we won’t eat any.
We will have your favorite dish: Chickens-Come-Home-to-Roost.
Dear President Obama,
Congratulations on your great win. Hillary and I are happy for you and Michelle, and we are glad that we contributed in our own way to your success.
Hillary is gearing up for a run in 2016, and we know you will help her as a way of saying thank you for my help in the campaign and especially at the convention.
Dear President Obama,
We delivered the vote, and we know we can count on you to keep delivering stimulus money and watching out for a closed union shop wherever Americans work.
Your good friends,
The AFL-CIO, teachers unions and SEIU (Service Employees International Union
Dear President Obama
I congratulate you on your great victory, and as your great leader Abraham Lincoln once said, one should be magnanimous in victory. Dimitri Medvedev and I are looking forward to your being especially flexible in pulling back missiles, bases and other aggressive signs of America’s imperialistic past. This is the “flexibility” of which you spoke near that open microphone, and when we re-occupy Georgia and Ukraine, we would like you to come on a vacation with Michelle to celebrate with us.
From Russia with love,
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