Andrew Klavan: Eric Holder: Federal Dick

A Truth Revolt video.

In this special episode, our host, best-selling crime author Andrew Klavan, tells the hard-hitting cop-story of the nation's top law officer - Attorney General Eric Holder: Federal Dick. See the video and transcript below. 

TRANSCRIPT:

I’m Andrew Klavan and this is the Revolting Truth.

America’s chief law officer has decided to step down and so it’s time to take a farewell look at the career of...

“Eric Holder, Federal Dick!”

In 2008, Eric Holder Federal Dick became the first black Attorney General of the United States.  But that’s all right - there are plenty of decent, honest African Americans too.  There’s one who lives right down the road from me.  Seems like a great guy.  So you can’t blame all of them for one man.

Shortly after taking office, Eric Holder Federal Dick declared that he would not prosecute the fascist thugs of the new Black Panther party who had paraded in front of a polling place carrying weapons.  Holder said the panthers’ actions weren’t as bad as the sort of voter intimidation once practiced against [quote] “my people,” by which I guess he meant fascists, or thugs, or just any bunch of evil schmucks in leather and dark glasses.

Eric Holder Federal Dick also helped improve people’s lives by refusing to enforce laws like the Defense of Marriage Act because he didn’t agree with them.  Thus he effectively stripped our elected representatives of their constitutional power to make meaningful legislation.  Which improved people’s lives in more lawless countries like Burundi, because now they don’t have to feel so bad when they compare their governments to ours.

But Eric Holder Federal Dick always took Americans’ first amendment rights seriously and went out of his way to insure they would not be overused.  He tapped the phone calls and emails of Fox News reporter James Rosen, and secretly obtained phone records of reporters and editors at the Associated Press.  Whenever people criticized the attorney general’s actions, he accused the critics of “racial animus,”... then he hid his face in his hands and said, “Ha, ha, ha, I’m black so no one can see me.”

And then there was Fast and Furious, a brilliantly conceived operation in which American law officers were forced to stand idly by while nearly 2,000 weapons were sold to Mexican mobsters.  Who could have ever foreseen that the mobsters would use these weapons to commit crimes, including the killing of a U.S. Border Patrol Agent? Certainly not Eric Holder, Federal Dick.

When Congress attempted to investigate the Attorney General’s role in this scheme, Eric Holder Federal Dick testified under oath that he had only found out about Fast and Furious recently; when memos were produced showing he’d known about it for nearly a year, he said he hadn’t read the memos; when Congress tried to subpoena more documents, the president shielded Holder by declaring the documents were protected by executive privilege. When congress held the Attorney General in contempt, he hid his face in his hands and said, “Ha, ha, ha, I’m black so no one can see me.”

It was because of actions like these that in a recent poll, Eric Holder was rated less favorably than Barack Obama, the Republican Party, hives, toothache, and a suspicious looking sore that breaks out on your lip unexpectedly before a big date.

So today we lift the tattered pages of what used to be our constitution to wave a fond farewell to Attorney General Eric Holder.

What a Federal Dick.

I’m Andrew Klavan with the Revolting Truth.

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