Why America Needs Hillary

If you like your Obama, you can keep your Obama.

Across America, the spirits of a weary nation lift as after cashing in on her last round of six-figure speeches (private jet and presidential suite inclusive) in a surprise announcement that no one expected, Hillary Clinton finally revealed to a breathlessly expectant country that she will run for president.

Why? Not for fame or for glory. Not even to help her brother pick up even more super-rate Haitian mining contracts, but to help “everyday Americans.” Everyday Americans, like you.

Or almost like you, if you could afford to spring for her private jet.

What can these everyday Americans, who may be found on the boards of major corporations, non-profits and in the roster of international fugitives, expect from eight years of Hillary Clinton?

That all depends on whether they cheaped it out by flying Hillary out in a Gulfstream 450 with a miserable cramped sixteen seats or whether they stepped up to the Gulfstream 650. Were the crudités fresh? Did the presidential suite make Hillary feel truly presidential? Or did she feel like just another flat broke contender having to deliver speeches to lobbies, corporations and trade groups to keep the wolf away from the door of her latest mansion?

In this brave new era of open government, we will be privileged to see how it all works.

While Hillary Clinton doesn’t have much experience in government, she slept through her time in the Senate in preparation for a presidential run, and shopped and partied her way through her time as Secretary of State in preparation for a presidential run, she has endless experience in trading favors.

Americans can expect the best favor-trading government that they have ever had. An administration with a list of friends and enemies that goes back decades, rewarding some and punishing others, at our expense.

Finally we will know exactly who got Hillary the best planes and who said something nasty about her to a friend who turned out to be an enemy.

What should the rest of the country expect from Hillary? Remember, “If you like you doctor, you can keep your doctor?” If you like your Obama, you can keep your Obama.

That particular line began as a note by a Clinton staffer in 1994 during their botched health care hijacking. Obama even borrowed the health care mandate that he originally opposed from Hillary.

If you like your ObamaCare, just call it HillaryCare. By any name, it means high prices, small networks and worthless coverage.

Obama’s foreign policy? It originally began as the Clinton foreign policy.

Before there was a deal to let Iran get nukes, there was a deal to let North Korea get nukes.

Before Obama played footsie with terrorists, Bill Clinton clumsily stumbled around with Bin Laden. When the World Trade Center was bombed, he stayed home. He had a chance to take out Osama, but claimed to be worried about collateral damage.

Hillary Clinton pushed the Reset Button with Russia as Secretary of State. She’ll push it even harder if she’s in the White House.

When it came to the economy, Bill Clinton sold out the same working class whites his wife is counting on. The millions of unemployed Americans can be confident that Hillary Clinton will pass on a listening tour through their swing state during the election before shipping their jobs off to China and Mexico.

Bill Clinton set the stage for the housing crisis and the economic collapse. But before the housing bubble, he took credit for the dot com bubble. But Pets.com is making a comeback, why not the Clintons? Aren’t they the ultimate bubble? Investors pump fortunes into them and if they don’t get indicted, then there’s mining contracts and pardons for everyone.

If they do get indicted, then they’ll just have to pardon themselves.

But there will be one very important difference between the two administrations. During Obama’s election and his time in office, the country underwent a bizarre epidemic of racism during which such sensible policies as freeing terrorists, stirring up race riots and governing unilaterally were criticized for no other reason than racism, that sad, tragic era will finally come to an end.

As of January 20, 2017, the United States of America will no longer be racist. It will be sexist.

That is assuming Hillary Clinton wins. If she doesn’t, then America will instead spend the next eight years being anti-Irish (Martin O’Malley), Cherokeeist (Elizabeth Warren), Ageist (Bernie Sanders) or Bidenophobic (Joe Biden). Either way our long nightmare of racist accusations will finally be at an end.

Unless it turns out that Bill Clinton really was the first black president. And then it’ll be exactly like the Obama years all over again.

But that’s not to suggest that there will be no changes. The White House décor will change. The businesses receiving special favors from the administration will change. Some of the staffers will change, though not many.

Obama fused his own people and Hillary’s people together into one big awkward administration. Hillary is now doing the same thing with Obama’s people. Whichever of their faces looks back at you from the posters and campaign buttons, the machine underneath consists of the same exact people.

John Podesta, the Chairman of Hillary Clinton’s campaign, chaired Obama’s transition after having served as Chief of Staff for Bill Clinton. Whoever wins the Democratic Party nomination will end up working for the client list of the Podesta Group and getting ideas from the Center for American Progress.

Blaming Obama almost misses the point. Obama didn’t come up with his terrible ideas. Neither did Hillary. The ideas come from a Democratic machine heavily infused by activists funded by the Democracy Alliance’s red list of billionaires. It doesn’t matter if Hillary Clinton has to drop out after getting caught emailing classified documents to North Korea so her brother can get a mining contract.

Elizabeth Warren, Martin O’Malley or anyone else on the list will shortly have the same ghoulish gang looking over their shoulders, financing their campaigns and hand feeding them policy proposals.

ObamaCare could have been HillaryCare or BidenCare or EdwardsCare. It still would have been just as terrible. We could have listened to President John Kerry or President Hillary Clinton reassure us that Al Qaeda was on the run and that we really needed to spend more time worrying about Global Warming.

Obama’s real job was to make Americans feel good about how badly his party’s policies were hurting them. And he was good at it. Americans have spent so much time admiring or loathing the strutting peacock-in-chief, gasping or fuming at his selfie antics or his racist rhetoric, that we’ve never really acknowledged that the machine underneath would have run much the same with anyone else.

America needs Hillary Clinton to create the illusion of change. We’ll be divided into opposing camps denouncing or defending her shameless corruption. Bill Clinton’s latest sex scandals will be fodder for the tabloids. Her tone deaf speeches after Americans are killed by terrorists will divert attention and outrage from the policies that caused their deaths.

And underneath, the machine that brought us Obama’s two terrible terms will hum along.

Food prices will rise. Jobs will vanish. Freedom will disappear. The Clintons will retire/flee wealthier and more disgraced than ever. And most Americans won’t know the names of the people behind the scenes who were really responsible for making their lives so miserable.

America needs Hillary because her famous name will divert attention from other names. Names like John Podesta or George Soros.


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