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There is a pandemic in the Western world — especially, but not only, in America — that few are talking about, let alone addressing.
This pandemic doesn’t actually kill people. But it does destroy people, ruin lives, crush families and cause permanent, debilitating pain — far more than have the vast majority of cases of COVID-19.
This pandemic consists of adult children who have decided never again to speak to one or both of their parents. The vast majority of these people were never sexually or physically abused. In fact, nearly all were loved by their parents.
So, then, why have these people decided to hurt their mother, their father or both in one of the worst ways possible?
There are three primary reasons.
The first is the ascent of the therapeutic mentality. Prior to the explosion of psychotherapy, people were governed by “shoulds.” Beginning in the 1960s, however, the therapeutic model replaced the moral model as the guide to one’s behavior. People who lived at that time will recall the phrase, “there are no shoulds.”
I will use a family story to illustrate this point. Despite the fact that his mother was a very difficult woman, my father called her every night, and every night she would yell at him. I heard the yelling because instead of holding it to his ear, my father would place the phone on the kitchen table while she ranted.
Had my father been born a generation later and gone to a therapist where he discussed his mother, if he said how much he dreaded calling his mother, the therapist would likely have led my father to believe there was no reason he should talk to her. And a culture that declared, “there are no shoulds,” would have concurred. The therapist would have declared my grandmother “toxic” and thereby given my father the green light to avoid calling her.
But my father lived in the age of shoulds, and he was a religious Jew who had been taught the Ten Commandments since childhood — the Fifth of which commands us, “Honor your father and mother.” Moreover, he believed, as did most Americans, that the Ten Commandments were given by God.
In our post-biblical age, there are no Ten Commandments. In fact, there are no commandments, period. That’s what “no shoulds” was all about — no Commandments. Instead, you do what you feel is right. If you don’t feel like talking to your mother or father, you don’t. My father, governed by the Ten Commandments and many other shoulds, called his mother every night despite the fact that he rarely felt like doing so.
Though the Bible commands us to love our neighbor, love the stranger and love God, there is no commandment to love our parents. On the other hand, there is no commandment to honor anyone except our parents.
A second reason for the Ignore-Parents (IP) pandemic is parental alienation. This is usually caused by one parent against the other during and/or after a divorce — frequently, though certainly not always, by the mother against the father. She is so angry at her husband or soon-to-be ex-husband that she has decided to hurt him in one of the worst possible ways — by convincing one or more of their children that their father is a terrible human being, unworthy of their love, respect and time. The children should therefore not only cease to love him but have nothing to do with him.
A third reason for the IP pandemic is ideological. In these instances, a spouse may be involved, but often it is the decision of the child. This is the newest reason for ignoring parents. I suspect few of us ever encountered parents whose children did not speak to them because of how the parent voted. As much as Democrats and other liberals hated Richard Nixon, it is hard to imagine a grown man or woman in the late ’60s or early ’70s refusing to speak to a parent because the parent voted for Nixon. But there are probably hundreds of thousands of parents who voted for Donald Trump who have a child who will not speak to them because of that vote — or because the parent holds some conservative value such as that marriage should be defined as the union of a man and a woman.
For the record, I am not speaking about myself. My two sons and two stepsons and I speak regularly, love one another and share values. But I know how lucky I am. I have written this column because I have spoken with an inordinate number of wonderful people who have a child or even children who do not speak with them.
Yes, there are times when a parent is so pathological or evil — or when it is the parent who has chosen to ignore a child — that communication is essentially impossible. But in general, the infliction of such pain on a parent is about as great an act of cruelty as most people will ever inflict on another human being. If there is a God who gave the Ten Commandments, these people will be judged accordingly.
Thank you Dennis, I’ve experienced children not speaking after a divorce because of my ex-wife but fortunately I didn’t give up on them and now we have a great relationship again I feel blessed.
For those who are suffering, don’t ever give up on them.
“In our post-Biblical age there are no commandments ………instead you do what feels right.” A recipe for anarchy if ever there was. In fact the Bible records that this situation existed in Israel at the time of the Judges. “Everyone did what was right in their own eyes” Judges 17:6. With no moral absolutes, you can make up your own morals. Problem is, some people will do the most evil things – rape, murder, arson etc.,because they believe they are gods and no one can tell them they are wrong.
I have an uncle, just a few years older than I am, He blocked my emails and curse at me because I dared send him a Lutheran Catechism. He was angry because I was trying to “force” my religion upon him. A female cousin also emailed him, and he refused to heed anything she wrote. It’s a crazy world out there.
What such people ignore is the fact that even if you disagree with your parents on some issues they are still your parents who as adults you can and should work out some sort of relationship as opposed to a complete severance of any relationship which might be necessary only in some but not all instances of abuse
I have friends that refused to speak to their parent/parents. They sometimes have good reasons, lots of us do.
When they have confided in me that this was the case, Ive told them they were obligated to speak with their parents, and to avoid particular conversations or say ”well I can kind of see your point” this defuses the problem.
My friends and I are getting old now, and our parents are dying. Not one has been eager to begin speaking with their parents, they have had to ”swallow hard”, but not one has regretted their decision to restart relations with their parents. It is a small price to pay for peace.
One other reason. Not speaking to ones parents affects the children in the family, Nephews, nieces, and offspring all see this conflict (even when you think they are too young to realize) you are wrong, they see it.
Now your conflict is being passed on to the next generation, the inability to resolve conflict is being passed as well.
Maybe one feels they dont owe a darn bit of respect/decency to their parents (and maybe they are right). So what? Show yourself that you are tough enough to take it. Make a sacrifice for an all around better family.
The fact that they dont want the parents to interfere in the way the NEA and Government Run Schools are brainwashing their kids with this leftists stuff
I know many will find this a joke but here is a shout out for Judge Judy Scheindlin for literally hundreds of times fighting to make sure that BOTH parents have a place in the lives of their mutual children.
The Lord gave Moses the Ten Commandments on the top of Mount Sinai. The whole mountain was holy because of God’s presence. Even today, profane men live as though there is no God to whom they must Give an account. Their gross immorality and hypocritical practices make God’s judgment inevitable. A Day of reckoning is coming.
It is written in the end times that the last generation is the generation of wrath.
The full commandment runs thus:
“Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.” Exodus 20:21
In the case of China, even as a non-JudeoChristian society, one can see how the reverence for parents and ancestors has been rewarded by G-d in giving their civilization permanence and prominence in the land given to them.
Whosoever dishonors and “ghosts” one’s own parents will not have a long or satisfying life and will become himself a “ghost.”
A very interesting article, Mr. Prager. There are often extenuating circumstances.
I was adopted by two very flawed and dysfunctional people. My (adoptive) mom left my adoptive dad and my younger sister. She snuck out in the middle of the night when I was 16 and never came back (my dad was a very selfish man who didn’t care about her so I can’t really blame her!). I knew where she had gone, though. So, for at least 15 years, I tried to call her to reconnect with her and she would just hang up the phone. I finally gave up and understood I was just a part of her ugly past and she wanted it that way. Her decision. I stayed with my dad until I was 18, when he kicked me out of the house because he needed my bedroom for his girlfriend’s soon-to-be born baby.
Have I ever felt duty-bound towards these people? You can guess the answer to that one. It took me years of therapy to get rid of the profound anger and abandonment I felt.
When my dad’s “girlfriend” dumped him, he started calling me. At first, I thought maybe he was remorseful and trying to reconnect with me (how naïve). I took good care of him during that short period – took him shopping, bought him groceries, etc. Well, as soon as she took him back, he cut off all contact with me and I never heard from him again, because he didn’t need me anymore.
His girlfriend’s kid called me when he died . I offered my condolences but did not go to the funeral – not out of anger, but I hadn’t seen these people in 20 years and didn’t have any relationship whatsoever with them.
I have since found my biological family (both my birth parents died well before I found my siblings). I now have cousins whom I love dearly – we keep in touch and see each other throughout the year, and it’s been a wonderful adventure. For the first time in my life, I felt that there were people who actually wanted me around. What a life changer, and to them, I will be forever loyal.
The Godless have no standards to live by, thats why they reject the 10 commandments, and they do whats right in their own eyes and reject humanity.
What doth the Lord require of thee but to do justly, and to love mercy, and walk humbly with God.
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the lord they God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
Matthew 22;37. But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end, and ever lasting life. Romans 6:22.
Live Godly lives and don’t be swayed by the world which offers no hope or no redemption.