At a campaign rally for Rep. Andy Levin, who is a J-Street “Zionist” opposed by AIPAC, but whom President Biden would like to see re-elected, Our President gave us all a brief display of his terminal confusion. This is what he said:
“Don’t worry, we’re gonna free Iran,” Biden told supporters in an aside during a campaign speech in California late Thursday, after audience members appeared to call on him to address the ongoing protests. “They’re gonna free themselves pretty soon,” he added.
Forgive me for asking, but which is it? Are “we gonna free Iran,” or are they, the Iranians, “gonna free themselves pretty soon”? And when might “pretty soon” be – in a month, or in six months from now, in a year, or ten years from now? And how precisely are we gonna, or are they gonna, do it?
You expect confusion from our Confuser-In-Chief, but this reversal of message within two six-word sentences takes some kind of – I’m gonna go out on a limb here and use a word that I think pretty much says it all – cake.
Now there are other great confusers. Let me offer two examples. There was Gracie Allen, of Burns & Allen fame, who wrote a play with the title “Before the Behind Yet Under the Vast Above, the World Is In Tears and Tomorrow is Tuesday.” I understand from his speechwriters that Biden is going to use that very title in his final pre-election speech-and-shoutout next Monday.
There was also Arthur Flegenheimer, the gangster also known as Dutch Schultz, who on his deathbed provided a Joycean, or now we might say Bidenite, stream-of-consciousness:
Schultz noticed a newspaper and spoke:
Has it been in any other papers? George, don’t make no full moves. What have you done with him? Oh, mama, mama, mama. Oh stop it, stop it; eh, oh, oh. Sure, sure, mama.
Now listen, Phil, fun is fun. Ah please, papa. What happened to the sixteen? Oh, oh, he done it, please. John, please, oh, did you buy the hotel? You promised a million sure. Get out. I wished I knew.
Please make it quick, fast and furious. Please. Fast and furious. Please help me get out; I am getting my wind back, thank God. Please, please, oh please. You will have to please tell him, you got no case.
You get ahead with the dot dash system didn’t I speak that time last night. Whose number is that in your pocket book, Phi1 13780. Who was it? Oh- please, please. Reserve decision. Police, police, Henry and Frankie. Oh, oh, dog biscuits and when he is happy he doesn’t get happy please, please to do this. Then Henry, Henry, Frankie you didn’t even meet me. The glove will fit what I say oh, Kayiyi, oh Kayiyi. Sure who cares when you are through? How do you know this? How do you know this? Well, then oh, Cocoa know thinks he is a grandpa again. He is jumping around. No Hobo and Poboe I think he means the same thing.
Will you help me up? O.K. I won’t be such a big creep. Oh, mama. I can’t go through with it, please. Oh, and then he clips me; come on. Cut that out, we don’t owe a nickel; hold it; instead, hold it against him; I am a pretty good pretzler -Winifred- Department of Justice. I even got it from the department. Sir, please stop it. Say listen the last night!
I don’t know, sir. Honestly I don’t. I don’t even know who was with me, honestly. I was in the toilet and when I reached the -the boy came at me.
No. If he wanted to break the ring no, please I get a month. They did it. Come on. (A name, not clear) cut me off and says you are not to be the beneficiary of this will. Is that right? I will be checked and double-checked and please pull for me. Will you pull? How many good ones and how many bad ones? Please I had nothing with him he was a cowboy in one of the seven days a week fight. No business; no hangout; no friends; nothing; just what you pick up and what you need. I don’t know who shot me. Don’t put anyone near this check~ you might have -please do it for me. Let me get up. heh? In the olden days they waited and they waited. Please give me a shot. It is from the factory. Sure, that is a bad. Well, oh good ahead that happens for trying. I don’t want harmony. I want harmony. Oh, mamma, mamma! Who give it to him? Who give it to him? Let me in the district -fire-factory that he was nowhere near. It smoldered No, no. There are only ten of us and there ten million fighting somewhere of you, so get your onions up and we will throw up the truce flag. Oh, please let me up. Please shift me. Police are here. Communistic…strike…baloney…honestly this is a habit I get; sometimes I give it and sometimes I don’t. Oh, I am all in. That settles it. Are you sure? Please let me get in and eat. Let him harass himself to you and then bother you. Please don’t ask me to go there. I don’t want to. I still don’t want him in the path. It is no use to stage a riot. The sidewalk was in trouble and the bears were in trouble and I broke it up. Please put me in that room. Please keep him in control. My gilt edged stuff and those dirty rats have tuned in. Please mother, don’t tear, don’t rip; that is something that shouldn’t be spoken about. Please get me up, my friends. Please, look out. The shooting is a bit wild, and that kind of shooting saved a man’s life. No payrolls. No wells. No coupons. That would be entirely out. Pardon me, I forgot I am plaintiff and not defendant. Look out. Look out for him. Please. He owed me money; he owes everyone money. Why can’t he just pullout and give me control? Please, mother, you pick me up now. Please, you know me. No. Don’t you scare me. My friends and I think I do a better job. Police are looking for you all over. Be instrumental in letting us know. They are English-men and they are a type I don’t know who is best, they or us. Oh, sir, get the doll a roofing. You can play jacks and girls do that with a soft ball and do tricks with it. I take all events into consideration. No. No. And it is no. It is confused and its says no. A boy has never wept nor dashed a thousand kim. Did you hear me?
Two thousand. Come one, get some money in that treasury. We need it. Come on, please get it. I can’t tell you to. That is not what you have in the book. Oh, please warden. What am I going to do for money? Please put me up on my feet at once. You are a hard boiled man. Did you hear me? I would hear it, the Circuit Court would hear it, and the Supreme Court might hear it. If that ain’t the pay-off. Please crack down on the Chinaman’s friends and Hitler’s commander. I am sore and I am going up and I am going to give you honey if I can. Mother is the best bet and don’t let Satan draw you too fast.
That is what caused the trouble. Look out. Please let me up. If you do this, you can go on and jump right here in the lake. I know who they are. They are French people. All right. Look out, look out. Oh, my memory is gone. A work relief police. Who gets it? I don’t know and I don’t want to know, but look out. It can be traced. He changed for the worse. Please look out; my fortunes have changed and come back and went back since that. It was desperate. I am wobbly. You ain’t got nothing on him but you got it on his helper.
Then pull me out. I am half crazy. They won’t let me get up. They dyed my shoes. Open those shoes. Give me something. I am so sick. Give me some water, the only thing that I want. Open this up and break it so I can touch you. Danny, please get me in the car.
I don’t know. I didn’t even get a look. I don’t know who can have done it. Anybody. Kindly take my shoes off. (He was told that they were off.) No. There is a handcuff on them. The Baron says these things. I know what I am doing here with my collection of papers. It isn’t worth a nickel to two guys like you or me but to a collector it is worth a fortune. It is priceless. I am going to turn it over to… Turn you back to me, please Henry. I am so sick now. The police are getting many complaints. Look out. I want that G-note. Look out for Jimmy Valentine for he is an old pal of mine. Come on, come on, Jim. Ok, ok, I am all through. Can’t do another thing. Look out mamma, look out for her. You can’t beat him. Police, mamma, Helen, mother, please take me out. I will settle the indictment. Come on, open the soap duckets. The chimney sweeps. Talk to the sword. Shut up, you got a big mouth! Please help me up, Henry. Max, come over here. French-Canadian bean soup. I want to pay. Let them leave me alone.
Gracie Allen, Arthur Flegenheimer, and now, our latest entrant, out of the left field of politics, President Joe Biden.
Let’s think. How are “we gonna free Iran”? Certainly not by going through with any Iran deal, which would trigger a removal of sanctions and hundreds of billions of dollars being restored to the regime that we are “gonna free Iran” from. So why not tell your audience and the world that “we” have no intention of removing economic sanctions unless, and until, the current regime is overthrown. That should hearten those Iranians who are now risking their lives to protest that unsavory regime.
But what else? How about Biden suggesting a blockade of tankers carrying Iranian oil? That should bring Tehran to its knees. But as he does it, Biden should warn the Iranians that any retaliation by them will be regarded as an act of war and would trigger a devastating response.
What “we gonna” do to “free Iran” should include encouraging separatist sympathies over the airwaves, and on social media, among the four main ethnic minorities. Does Biden remember who they are? In case he’s forgotten, or never knew, here they are: Kurds, Azeris, Baluchis, Arabs. Biden could send weapons to any of those minorities should they request them: to the Kurds in Iranian Kurdistan, sent through Iraq, to the Arabs in Khuzestan via ship from the UAE and Saudi Arabia, to the Azeris, with supplies from Azerbaijan next door, to the Baluchis in southeastern Iran, via airdrops of weapons to the 7.5 million fellow Baluchis in Pakistan for delivery just across the border in Iran. “We hear you and we’re gonna help you.” Also sprach Joe Biden.
And he should announce that as long as the protesters are being suppressed by the regime, American hackers will be disrupting the Iranian government, including the Supreme Leader’s office, and those of every member of the Majlis, as well as the IRGC and Basij command-and-control centers, the oil industry, the electricity plants, the transportation sector, the prisons, even the food distribution system. No part of the regime, or of Iran’s economy, will remain untouched.
And should “we” fail to free Iran as Biden promised we were gonna do, then how will “they” — the Iranians — “free themselves pretty soon”? They — those Iranians — can be provided with our satellite and other intelligence on the movement of the police, the Basij, the IRGC killers, to know where and when it is safest to march, and where to go to avoid a bloody encounter. We can help the protesters hack into systems that will allow them to take over for long periods Iran’s radio stations and television channels, as up till now they have managed to do only momentarily, and to seize control of Farsi-language social media, so that pro-government propagandists are silenced and only the protesters’ messages can be seen and heard. We can help them to “free themselves” by keeping up the diplomatic pressure at the U.N., where a resolution to expel Iran from the institution should be introduced; Iran now has only a handful of unsavory allies – Russia, China, North Korea, Syria – willing to stand up for it.
In other words, “we gonna free Iran ” by helping those Iranians who are “gonna free themselves.” Which is to say, avoid the confusion you created, and rely instead on a proverb that is as old as Aesop; “God helps those who help themselves.” Next time, Mr. President, say it exactly that way, without any Lunchbucket Joe “gonna’s.” A little dignity, please: “We and the rest of the civilized world are going to help the Iranians to help themselves. They don’t doubt that they will win. And neither should we.”