I'm Make-Believe Outraged!
I’m Andrew Klavan and this is the Revolting Truth.
I am make-believe outraged at some of the things I’ve been hearing lately. I am pretending to be deeply offended and I demand an insincere and meaningless apology.
Everywhere I turn there’s a celebrity or a politician or a businessman or a teenager on YouTube or some guy somewhere saying something that forces me to play at being shocked and hurt as if I had nothing better to do than just sit around pretending to be shocked and hurt as if I had nothing better to do... than that.
There are pundits calling Muslims terrorists as if Muslims were killing people all around the world through acts of terror. There are conservatives insisting on their constitutional rights to free speech and gun ownership as if the constitution protected free speech and gun ownership. There are even broadcasters calling fat women fat as if fat women were, y’know, fat.
You can’t just go around speaking plainly like that! I am pretending to be shocked and I demand an insincere apology.
And another thing. I will not have people openly behaving as if they were exactly who they are. Christians publicly praying as if they were Christians! Gays kissing people of their own sex as if they were homosexual! Women acting feminine! Men acting like men!
This sort of thing is make-believe outrageous! I’m not going to be forced to live in the world as it is! I demand hypocrisy or, so help me, I’ll recoil in feigned horror at the basic facts of life.
Before individuals thoughtlessly open their mouths and say something I disagree with — or recklessly behave in a way completely in keeping with human nature — I want them to display a trigger warning so I can prepare to pretend I’m traumatized.
Everyone knows the truth will set you free. And we can’t have that. This is America. I am make-believe outraged and I demand an insincere apology!
I’m Andrew Klavan with the revolting truth.
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