Joe Biden is a man of many accomplishments. Like blinking, reading a teleprompter, occasionally correctly, following directions on cheat sheets, intermittently being aware of where he is, eating ice cream and occasionally going to the bathroom on his own.
Elected president without truly running or people truly voting, he has gone on to run the country without truly running it.
Now, as Biden prepares to run for a second term of serving as a puppet for dueling bands of Obama, Warren and Sanders staffers who all take turns pulling his strings, he is expected to quietly celebrate his 80th birthday out of sight with close friends and family in a basement getting pumped full of the methamphetamines that allow him to finish complete sentences.
“I’m sure Republicans will use the day to remind everyone that he’s some out-of-it octogenarian, which couldn’t be farther from the truth,” a Biden ally complained to The Hill.
Why would Republicans possibly do when they can save it for 2024?
The midterm results have made Biden a frontrunner for the 2024 nomination which is reassuring news for Hunter, China and 1,000 of his closest friends and lobbyists.
While many will make jokes at Biden’s expense in 2024, most standup comedians who don’t expect to appear on Colbert or host one of the numerous failed Daily Show successors or appear at a college campus can keep on making them.
One of the functions of the post-presidential presidency is being a foil for humorists. There’s always some official reason why Democrat presidents or nominees can’t be mocked, like they’re black, female or Hillary Clinton. With Biden, comedy is running out of excuses not to be funny.
If you’re a standup comedian or a lefty high school talent show that airs live on Saturday nights and you can’t make fun of a confused, incoherent shambling wreck who gets his sentences from a Scrabble board that fell into a Olive Garden endless salad bowl, maybe it’s time to give up and do something more productive like changing Biden’s diapers.
Happy birthday, Joe Biden. You took our savings, our happiness and our future. The least you can do is unintentionally make us laugh.