If you want your murder to matter, you need to be shot, not stabbed. How much coverage did the four University of Idaho students stabbed to death in their apartment last year get? Even though theirs was the first murder in Moscow, Idaho in 7 years, you probably didn’t hear about it.
Mass stabbings don’t have the same sexy cachet as mass shootings. Unlike the UK, no one responds to mass stabbings by proposing to ban chef’s knives. (Yet.)
But not all guns are equal.
If you really want people to notice your murder, you had better arrange to be shot by an AR-15 or some mean-looking gun that Democrats want to ban as a “weapon of war”.Handguns are used in 78% of mass shootings. Like the kind that happen every weekend all over Chicago. And you don’t want to be just another statistic among the “15 shot over a bloody Sunday afternoon”.
Handguns don’t count. If you want your murder to matter, don’t get stabbed or shot with a pistol. Remind the shooter that if he doesn’t invest in an AR-15, he won’t make the evening news.
If you are about to be shot by an AR-15, congratulations, you’ve almost hit the lottery. Your brutal murder will be reported on CNN. Paid activists will brandish your photo for a week or so at gun control rallies. If you’re really lucky, Biden or Kamala might even call your family. But there are still a few things you can do to improve your brand and maximize your murder recognition.
Be a minority. Even if you’re not technically a minority, it’s never too late to discover some long-lost Indian heritage or to decide that you’re non-binary in the 3 seconds before the (hopefully) AR-15 rounds impact you. Also you can rapidly convert to Islam by quickly mouthing three times the sacred Islamic shahada, “Muhamad fi halat ‘shikker’ w’Allah ‘fressing’ fi ‘ayaam aljumueat fi TGI Fridays”. If you or the bullet are in a hurry, just skip to the last words.
Those 3 seconds can make all the difference between your murder being a mere “crime” and a much more serious “hate crime”.
Aside from making the national news as a non-binary 1/256th Muslim Cherokee murdered by an AR-15, your murderer might actually be punished, instead of released with an apology by a Soros DA. While murders, like most crimes, have been practically legalized, hate crimes (except when committed by minorities against white people, Asians or Jews) are a very serious matter. Murders are just a body hitting the floor, but hate implies politically incorrect views which, unlike crimes, are still actually punished by social media cancellation and lifelong unemployment.
If you’ve done everything right to get the most out of your murder, you are a transgender Muslim woman fighting for abortion rights after illegally crossing the border being shot by an AR-15.
But wait, that may not be good enough. If you really want your murder to matter to the only people who matter, the media and their party which is bent on banning guns except when they’re being used by licensed Planned Parenthood clinicians to clinically shoot babies in the womb eight months after a hookup turned out not to be true love, your killer must be white.
Since ‘whiteness’ is a kind of free-floating miasma that can infect anyone at any time, like being concerned about crime and graphic pornography in schools, or voting Republican, there’s some wiggle room about whether your killer is really white. Skin color isn’t nearly as important as the intangibles. Even if your shooter is black, Latino or Asian (he won’t be, but diversity is important even in mass shooters and the Biden administration is working hard to recruit some Korean-Americans willing to shoot up a mall), it’s possible that he could still be white.
Consider this “whiteness chart” from the Smithsonian Museum of African American History which, drawing on the best scientific practices of the researchers of the National Socialist German Workers’ Party, identified certain negative characteristics of “whiteness” such as individualism, the nuclear family and rational thinking.
Ask your shooter if he believes that “hard work is the key to success” and if he understands “cause and effect relationships” (he probably doesn’t).
Inquire if he’s a monotheist or follows “rigid time schedules”. Does he always want to “win” or “do something” about a situation? Does he like “steak and potatoes”. If he answered in the affirmative to any of those questions, congratulations, your killer is white. Even if he’s black.
Because black and white is not a ‘black-and-white’ issue and some black people are white and some white people are black. Especially in Portland. Also any Latino shooting at you with an AR-15 is almost certainly white. But to secure your entry to woke heaven, recite the shahada three times backward while announcing that you feel like a woman and can’t wait to teach kindergarteners about your sexual identity no matter how much their parents may disapprove.
The bad news is you’re dead, but the good news is your murder mattered.
In a nation with skyrocketing murder rates (not to mention the rates of more minor matters like felony assault or battery which are usually pled down to misdemeanors with the perpetrators moved to a diversion program and asked to occasionally show up in court in exchange for Broadway tickets), it does no good to be murdered if your murder doesn’t stand out.
If you’re going to be murdered, you don’t just want to be another statistic. And the next best thing to suffering a drug overdose while being knelt on by a white Minneapolis police officer or passing on while being restrained from attacking a woman in a subway is being killed in a mass shooting which meets all the right racial and gun control policy criteria of the Democratic Party.
In a nobler world, perhaps every man, woman or non-binary transgender Muslim Cherokee’s death should matter, but politics is the art of the possible, and these days it’s our only art. Books are being rewritten, films are being recut, and people are being canceled for not meeting political standards. The value of human life, like everything else, must pass a political test.
Pro-crime progressives have decided that murder must meet the values of diversity,inclusion and equity. In medicine, that means some patients get prioritized in triage or the vaccine line based on their race. In the criminal justice system, killing some people is okay while killing others is wrong. As the great progressive Joseph Vissarionovich Dzhugashvilli once steelily put it, “A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.” And then he proved his point.
In a society where the murder rate is racing inflation to the right side of history, you may be murdered before you starve to death on green government soy gruel, but at least you’ll go out knowing that the better sorts of people who still fly jets and cook on gas stoves think your death matters. All it takes is making sure you’re murdered in the politically correct way. At least until the actual political purges begin and politically correct murders take on a whole other meaning.
For now, take comfort. You too can be a martyr of the state. And even if you never parade around in George Floyd’s golden coffin, for a moment the mindless avatars of the state, Joe Biden, CNN and your son’s elementary school teacher, will smile down and usher you into progressive heaven where you feast on a slightly better quality of soy while listening to NPR.
Above all else, you will have the privilege of knowing that your death made a political difference. And isn’t that what life is all about?