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If you want your murder to matter, you need to be shot, not stabbed. How much coverage did the four University of Idaho students stabbed to death in their apartment last year get? Even though theirs was the first murder in Moscow, Idaho in 7 years, you probably didn’t hear about it.
Mass stabbings don’t have the same sexy cachet as mass shootings. Unlike the UK, no one responds to mass stabbings by proposing to ban chef’s knives. (Yet.)
But not all guns are equal.
If you really want people to notice your murder, you had better arrange to be shot by an AR-15 or some mean-looking gun that Democrats want to ban as a “weapon of war”.Handguns are used in 78% of mass shootings. Like the kind that happen every weekend all over Chicago. And you don’t want to be just another statistic among the “15 shot over a bloody Sunday afternoon”.
Handguns don’t count. If you want your murder to matter, don’t get stabbed or shot with a pistol. Remind the shooter that if he doesn’t invest in an AR-15, he won’t make the evening news.
If you are about to be shot by an AR-15, congratulations, you’ve almost hit the lottery. Your brutal murder will be reported on CNN. Paid activists will brandish your photo for a week or so at gun control rallies. If you’re really lucky, Biden or Kamala might even call your family. But there are still a few things you can do to improve your brand and maximize your murder recognition.
Be a minority. Even if you’re not technically a minority, it’s never too late to discover some long-lost Indian heritage or to decide that you’re non-binary in the 3 seconds before the (hopefully) AR-15 rounds impact you. Also you can rapidly convert to Islam by quickly mouthing three times the sacred Islamic shahada, “Muhamad fi halat ‘shikker’ w’Allah ‘fressing’ fi ‘ayaam aljumueat fi TGI Fridays”. If you or the bullet are in a hurry, just skip to the last words.
Those 3 seconds can make all the difference between your murder being a mere “crime” and a much more serious “hate crime”.
Aside from making the national news as a non-binary 1/256th Muslim Cherokee murdered by an AR-15, your murderer might actually be punished, instead of released with an apology by a Soros DA. While murders, like most crimes, have been practically legalized, hate crimes (except when committed by minorities against white people, Asians or Jews) are a very serious matter. Murders are just a body hitting the floor, but hate implies politically incorrect views which, unlike crimes, are still actually punished by social media cancellation and lifelong unemployment.
If you’ve done everything right to get the most out of your murder, you are a transgender Muslim woman fighting for abortion rights after illegally crossing the border being shot by an AR-15.
But wait, that may not be good enough. If you really want your murder to matter to the only people who matter, the media and their party which is bent on banning guns except when they’re being used by licensed Planned Parenthood clinicians to clinically shoot babies in the womb eight months after a hookup turned out not to be true love, your killer must be white.
Since ‘whiteness’ is a kind of free-floating miasma that can infect anyone at any time, like being concerned about crime and graphic pornography in schools, or voting Republican, there’s some wiggle room about whether your killer is really white. Skin color isn’t nearly as important as the intangibles. Even if your shooter is black, Latino or Asian (he won’t be, but diversity is important even in mass shooters and the Biden administration is working hard to recruit some Korean-Americans willing to shoot up a mall), it’s possible that he could still be white.
Consider this “whiteness chart” from the Smithsonian Museum of African American History which, drawing on the best scientific practices of the researchers of the National Socialist German Workers’ Party, identified certain negative characteristics of “whiteness” such as individualism, the nuclear family and rational thinking.
Ask your shooter if he believes that “hard work is the key to success” and if he understands “cause and effect relationships” (he probably doesn’t).
Inquire if he’s a monotheist or follows “rigid time schedules”. Does he always want to “win” or “do something” about a situation? Does he like “steak and potatoes”. If he answered in the affirmative to any of those questions, congratulations, your killer is white. Even if he’s black.
Because black and white is not a ‘black-and-white’ issue and some black people are white and some white people are black. Especially in Portland. Also any Latino shooting at you with an AR-15 is almost certainly white. But to secure your entry to woke heaven, recite the shahada three times backward while announcing that you feel like a woman and can’t wait to teach kindergarteners about your sexual identity no matter how much their parents may disapprove.
The bad news is you’re dead, but the good news is your murder mattered.
In a nation with skyrocketing murder rates (not to mention the rates of more minor matters like felony assault or battery which are usually pled down to misdemeanors with the perpetrators moved to a diversion program and asked to occasionally show up in court in exchange for Broadway tickets), it does no good to be murdered if your murder doesn’t stand out.
If you’re going to be murdered, you don’t just want to be another statistic. And the next best thing to suffering a drug overdose while being knelt on by a white Minneapolis police officer or passing on while being restrained from attacking a woman in a subway is being killed in a mass shooting which meets all the right racial and gun control policy criteria of the Democratic Party.
In a nobler world, perhaps every man, woman or non-binary transgender Muslim Cherokee’s death should matter, but politics is the art of the possible, and these days it’s our only art. Books are being rewritten, films are being recut, and people are being canceled for not meeting political standards. The value of human life, like everything else, must pass a political test.
Pro-crime progressives have decided that murder must meet the values of diversity,inclusion and equity. In medicine, that means some patients get prioritized in triage or the vaccine line based on their race. In the criminal justice system, killing some people is okay while killing others is wrong. As the great progressive Joseph Vissarionovich Dzhugashvilli once steelily put it, “A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.” And then he proved his point.
In a society where the murder rate is racing inflation to the right side of history, you may be murdered before you starve to death on green government soy gruel, but at least you’ll go out knowing that the better sorts of people who still fly jets and cook on gas stoves think your death matters. All it takes is making sure you’re murdered in the politically correct way. At least until the actual political purges begin and politically correct murders take on a whole other meaning.
For now, take comfort. You too can be a martyr of the state. And even if you never parade around in George Floyd’s golden coffin, for a moment the mindless avatars of the state, Joe Biden, CNN and your son’s elementary school teacher, will smile down and usher you into progressive heaven where you feast on a slightly better quality of soy while listening to NPR.
Above all else, you will have the privilege of knowing that your death made a political difference. And isn’t that what life is all about?
The thing about stabbing is, one can’t eliminate edged weapons, or sharp weapons. Even a branch can be turned into a sharp weapon. And such weapons have been around for millennia, way back into prehistory, to the dawn of man, to the Neanderthals, etc.
They are the poor man’s weapon, cheap and easily available, and the lowest classes have been perfecting their knife fighting skills and such for millennia. It used to be the main occupation of a young man, developing skills with sharp weapons. Including swords and such. That was their education.
Then eliminating guns took away the only defense the educated Europeans had, and left them helpless against the onslaught of illegal immigrants, who now dominate the streets with their knife fighting skills.
As the Hutus used machetes to murder nearly a million Tutsis n 1994 (in less than 100 days), you have a point.
Machete attacks in the Congo & other areas are common, so Africa needs machete control legislation.
Speaking of shikker, fressing and TGI Fridays –
Shabbat Shalom!
Shabbat Shalom, indeed
A really true story about the illness called America.
We have indeed become a very sick society, mostly due to the subjectivism of the Left in all its forms.
There is one caveat, Mr. Greenfield . . .
When that evil trans-trash shot up Covenant school, one of the victims was Mike Hill – a black guy, and as such, no one knows his name (except FPM readers).
Your point still stands, because Mr. Hill was well liked by the wrong group – white Christians, and he was an upstanding citizen.
As is abundantly clear, leftist low-lifes prefer to only eulogize fellow low-lifes, so Mr. Hill’s name among the other five, didn’t even rate mentioning at the White House.
The sympathy was reserved for the murderer, as the Washington Post headline “The Right exploits Nashville shooting to escalate anti-trans rhetoric” made obvious.
The affirmative-action press secretary made clear whose backs she has, ain’t it isn’t upstanding moral citizens.
>>Mass stabbings don’t have the same sexy cachet as mass shootings. Unlike the UK, no one responds to mass stabbings by proposing to ban chef’s knives. (Yet.)
I do hate to contradict you, Daniel, but you’re wrong: Britain implemented a program whereby numerous knife–and that includes kitchen/culinary knives–bins have been set up around the country emblazoned with the slogan, “put your pointy knives in the bin”. The idea was that the poised ends of knives aren’t really necessary and are just used to penetrate human flesh. Apparently, quite a few people put their pointy knives in the bin. Stabbings did not decrease at all.
Never mind. I re-read your article. No need to post the above comment.
Yeah, that occurred to me yesterday, the British knife controllers are seriously out of touch with the reality of knife crime on the streets. There is a whole cornucopia of weapons at the lower end of the spectrum that are beyond banning. The best that can be done is stop and frisk.
Got me thinking about what a young man’s education in a primitive tribe is like. Learning to use various weapons, for hunting at least, including blow pipes, poisoned darts, as well as sharp weapons. They get very good and skillful with those weapons.
Yes, last I saw there were attempts to ban sharp knives and then proposed bans on glass mugs in bars because they could be broken into sharp shards.
That’s a common trick of street thugs in the SF Bay Area I’ve seen. They often already have a bottle of beer in hand while they are loitering around, so if a fight breaks out they break the bottle and immediately have a sharp weapon in hand. That also helps explain why there is so much broken glass in the street.
They pay artists to create something out of the handed in knives too.
I suspect Daniel has applied for a job at the Babylon Bee.
CNN should be on ever bodies Boycott List this leftists propaganda network is a waste of time to watch its fake news 24/7