It’s hard to believe in 2022, but at one time in America, people could laugh at themselves, laugh at each other, and laugh at famous people. And they could watch it on prime-time television.

From 1974 to 1984, Dean Martin held a series of celebrity roasts for famous folks such as Bob Hope, Jimmy Stewart, Lucille Ball, Muhammad Ali, Sammie Davis Jr., Frank Sinatra, Angie Dickinson, Hugh Hefner, Ronald Reagan, Telly Savalas, Orson Welles and many others, including Dean Martin himself. Everybody was fair game and not much was off limits.

“I’ve heard of black people,” Don Rickles told Nipsey Russell, “but aren’t you overdoing it?” Nipsey was practically on the floor. So was Muhammad Ali during Billy Crystal’s spot-on imitation. The roasters included Floyd Patterson, Sherman Hemsley, Wilt Chamberlain and the always reliable Russell, who once told Tony Orlando “we’re going to tie that yellow ribbon around your mouth.”

In the roast of Rickles, amiable drunk Foster Brooks referred to Dean Martin as a “Puerto Rican gentleman.” And so on, all available in a boxed set. Many of the players have departed, but in their honor, embattled Americans might envision a Dean Martin roast of the most powerful man in the world.

MARTIN

(singing) Everybody loves somebody sometime. . . Oh, wait, this is a roast, not a concert. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the fabulous MGM Grand where we are about to roast the Delaware Democrat, the man who took down Corn Pop, all by himself, the one and only Joe Biden!

Give it up for Joe everybody! Joe never even told anyone he had dementia. That’s the kind of humble man we are dealing with. With so much ground to cover, let’s hand it over to the great Foster Brooks.

BROOKS

Dean and I have been known to take a d-d-drink, but we never f-f-f-fell down three times getting into an airplane. Before the cognitive test, Joe needs a breath test and a urine test.

Old J-Joe ripped off his falling act from Gerald Ford. Most days Gerry knew where he was but with J-Joe it’s hard to tell. Studying those area codes and time zones must have left the b-b-big guy confused. So much to tell, so over to you, Nipsey Russell.

RUSSELL

Joe, I can tell the difference between you and Trump, but don’t go telling me I ain’t black.

So while you study for your cognitive test, go get your eyes checked. From here you look whiter than Jesse Helms and Robert Byrd, that Ku-Klucker you so admired.

Don’t try no high-tech lynching like you did with Clarence Thomas. I can’t use it, as Les McCann said, trying to make it real compared to what. Since you have such potential, let me hand it off to equal-opportunity offender, the great Don Rickles.

RICKLES

Dean, how has it come to this? Normally we roast people everybody cares about. Nobody seems to like this guy, except for cats. They keep their tails in the air to show off their Joe Biden buttons.

Joe is a very creative person. He gets up every morning and creates turds in the toilet, to symbolize what he’s doing to the country.

Joe says that during the Six Day War, in 1967, he served as a liaison between Israel and Egypt. Remember that everybody? Golda Meir was beside herself.

“We’re under attack! We need to make peace with Egypt. Quick, somebody call Joe Biden! Get me my little Joe!” Too bad Joe was still in law school, ripping off the other students.

Joe, who writes your stuff? You are the reason so many comics are out of work. Dean, help me out with this.

MARTIN

(singing) And the door, is still open. . . Oh, sorry, I forgot this is a roast. According to custom, we let the man of the hour have the last word. Joe, take it away.

BIDEN

I guess you people never heard of my No Malarkey bus tour. You could have learned something. I always choose truth over facts. So listen up.

Dean, you’re a lying dog-faced pony soldier. You know, the thing.

I told that autoworker in Michigan “you’re full of shit.” Same applies to you, Nipsey. Watch out, someone might put you back in chains.

Don, like that Fox News reporter, you are nothing but a stupid son of a bitch. Come on man, nobody likes you.

Everybody out there, deal with it. I’m Joe Biden and you’re not. I’m the most powerful man in the world and you’re not. Yes, I’m kind of a joke, but the joke is on you. I’m running again in 2024.