John Forbes Milhouse Rodham Delaney disappointed a hopeful nation by ending his campaign.
Delaney’s departure from a once promising field of ridiculous candidates to mock leaves our nation poorer, especially after the previous departures of Juan Castro, Cory Booker, and Marianne Williamson, who once seemed so full of promise.
This leaves the field barren aside from Andrew Yang, who will save America by giving everyone everyone else’s money and banning circumcision, and Tulsi Gabbard, still auditioning for a radio slot on Pacifica Radio by snowboarding in New Hampshire, followed by a shot at the Green Party nomination, to mock.
When they’re gone, the race will be poorer for it.
Delaney cited as his inspiration for his resignation, a desire to spend more time with his money, which he foolishly spent on this race, and a desire to help unnamed moderate candidates by giving up his vote to them. Since a Delaney voter is rarer than Bigfoot, I’m not sure whom exactly this is meant to help.
While John Delaney is no longer running, if he were honest with himself, he would realize that he was never running at all.
But since this is almost certainly the last time that I or any living being on earth will write about him, farewell. We’ll always have the time you tried but failed to make basic sensible points in a debate about health care to Senator Elizabeth Warren.