Finding something that makes you laugh in these troublesome times can be a challenge. It has to be said, 2020 has not exactly been a gift in terms of comedy — unless you have a very, very dark sense of humor.
Fortunately I do. And it gives me great pleasure to update you on the latest scandal to hit the Muslim stronghold of the UK.
Muslim Pro— one of the most popular apps downloaded on phones by the Muslim masses — has been accused of selling data to the U.S. Military. Better still, a U.S. Special Operations Command spokesperson has confirmed the purchase from the broker apparently involved.
I say a big British hooray for the U.S. Military and all the good men and women fighting to protect ordinary Americans from the Islamist threat we all face. It has been brutal in Europe over the last few weeks with attacks in Paris, Nice and Vienna.
But imagine the outrage here in the UK when our little Muslim Mayor of London — who is crying about how “it has never been more difficult to be a Muslim” — finds out the app he uses to remember his own name is passing on intel to the U.S. President.
For the uninitiated — which included me until the Imams started getting excited — Muslim Pro has around 50 million downloads on Android and 98 million downloads on other platforms. If you aren’t on Muslim Pro, you are basically Jewish. Or Robert Spencer. Or me.
It now appears that the Muslim masses have been effectively turning themselves into U.S. Intelligence every time they wonder when they are supposed to be praying or try to find a Halal friend chicken shop, which judging by the size of the women in burkas on Bond Street is pretty darn often.
There are obvious questions that spring to mind:
Why on earth do you need an app in order to be a Muslim? What other gadgets do you need to follow the Islamic faith? Do Muslim men need a sat nav to find Mecca or Alexa to help locate their third wife? And how the hell did the Mujahedin cope in a time before the internet and apps on a phone?
When you get on the app it’s not exactly the stuff that makes your soul sing.
Muslim Pro gives you six prayer times from 5am to 6pm — depending on where you are in the world. There are more prayers and bits of the Qur’an for you to mull over in between your other prayers. I wonder how Muslims have time to do anything else with the praying regimen they have to stick to. It might explain the huge Muslim unemployment figures in the UK.
There are inspiring quotes such as: “Sometimes the blessings are not what he gives but in what he takes away.”
There also appears to be data, their data, or more specifically where they are, the WiFi network they are on, together with a timestamp and info about the phone itself:
In essence it works like this:
1) An end-user downloads an app — let’s say for example Muslim Pro — and merrily goes about his business, chopping off the heads of the infidel or campaigning for Labor.
2) Brokerage firms create arrangements with the app developers to harvest this data. Two names that appear repeatedly in this ‘scandal’ are Locate X and X-Mode. These are perfectly legitimate companies that interface with all sorts of apps to harvest data.
[Left: How location data flows from popular U.S. apps to the U.S. military.]
3) Brokers sell on their data to Defense contractors and others, buying it on behalf of governments or agencies.
And it isn’t just the ‘Most Popular Muslim App’ involved in the scandal. The Muslim dating app ‘Muslim Mingle’ appears to have sent data to these brokers for onwards sale. The investigative team at VICE claims to have observed the Muslim Mingle app sending precise location and WiFi network information to X-mode multiple times.
Such is my dedication to Frontpage Magazine that I joined a Muslim dating app ‘Muzmatch’ to target my audience more effectively and find out how they felt about the alleged sale of their data from other sites to U.S. counter-terrorism.
Even trying to date as a Muslim is like qualifying for a mortgage in a downturn. To obtain a profile to attract a Muslim man I have to declare my sect (Sunni or Shia), my ethnic makeup, my level of piety, how often I pray, my devotion to halal, whether I drink or smoke, how quickly I am prepared to marry and whether I will let my Muslim husband take me back to Pakistan to care for his incontinent elderly mother.
As a non-practicing drunkard with a husband, prior divorce, aversion to halal, and three kids by two different men, I don’t see myself attracting a Muzmatch any time soon. But I look forward to receiving their views on their data theft to support the American Military and counter-terrorism overseas.
None of this should come as any surprise to sane and rational folks, of course. More and more of us are aware that our phones are actually tracking devices and if 2020 has taught us anything it is that the government is increasingly minded to track and trace your every move. It is the reason I actively resist scanning menus in restaurants, knowing that this data of my daily movements could be actively used against me.
We should all assume any time we engage with tech we are feeding our adversaries information. Facebook has always made clear their actual product is their users. We know we are the product of other apps and tech as well. It is our data and our lives which are siphoned off for profit.
But in these challenging times, there is real entertainment in the idea the US military is benefiting from data gleaned from apps specifically targeted at Muslims and their desperate commitment to an overbearing religion. It’s the reason the Muslim Pro app exists after all, to try and keep those who believe their life is only worthy if they stick to a brutal regimen of prayer — and thoughts on track.
Perhaps the most telling revelation of my investigation was this, found in the prayer section of Muslim Pro where the ‘community’ gets together to share their prayers for public consumption:
“Allah will publish those …who willingly gave our data to the US Army.”
Even in prayer, the religion of peace is only one step away from demanding punishment for their enemies, using the very app they download to tell them when to pray.