The Academy Awards were already a joke. Now they’re just a Soviet anecdote no one is allowed to laugh at.

Today, as part of the Academy Aperture 2025 initiative, AMPAS announced new representation and inclusion standards in order to be eligible in the best picture category. For the 94th and 95th Oscars ceremonies, scheduled for 2022 and 2023, a film will submit a confidential Academy Inclusion Standards form to be considered for best picture. Beginning in 2024, for the 96th Oscars, a film submitting for best picture will need to meet the inclusion thresholds by meeting two of the four standards.

The requirements are that “at least one of the lead actors or significant supporting actors is from an underrepresented racial or ethnic group” and “at least 30% of all actors in secondary and more minor roles are from at least two of the following underrepresented groups”.

But here’s where it gets really good.

A3. Main storyline/subject matter

The main storyline(s), theme or narrative of the film is centered on an underrepresented group(s).

• Women
• Racial or ethnic group
• LGBTQ+
• People with cognitive or physical disabilities, or who are deaf or hard of hearing

And if you really want a shiny golden trophy to later pawn for your cocaine addiction and fourth divorce, better make a movie about a Hawaiian lesbian who’s hard of hearing.

A3 all but retroactively eliminates most of the Oscar winners of the past and ensures a steady flow of unwatchable garbage. So business as usual anyway. Though this is arguably a reaction to Quentin Tarantino’s Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and its upthrust middle finger to the industry’s growing political correctness. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood would never qualify for anything under these rules.

Also costume designers, editors, makeup artists, writers, etc must be from identity politics groups and/or people who are hard of hearing.

All of this will be of limited relevance in under a decade when most actual movies consist of comic books that are entirely the work of computer effects right down to the characters and there will be heated debates over whether Black Panther 22 or Wonder Woman 19 should win the Best Picture award for the greatest depiction of diversity.