Daniel Greenfield, a Shillman Journalism Fellow at the Freedom Center, is a New York writer focusing on radical Islam.
On Tuesday, November 8, millions of gender studies professors, cultural appropriation protesters and environmental ethicists were tucked into their beds in their footy pajamas confident in the reports by the RealNews™ that Hillary Clinton would be the next progressive President of the United States.
Meanwhile the “Fake News” insisted laughably that Donald J. Trump would win.
Next morning they found out that the real news had been fake and the fake news had been real. To prevent that from ever happening again, RealNews™ launched a crusade against “Fake News.” Only once “Fake News,” a category that covers everything from FOX News to random people on Reddit, has been entirely censored, can the reality-based community feel safe in its imaginary RealNews™ world.
RealNews™ has since revealed that Trump didn’t really win because he lost the popular vote, only won because of Russian hackers and the Electoral College. And the Electoral College should be abolished unless it agrees to make Hillary Clinton president in which case, four legs good, two legs better. Almost 5 million progressives took time out from angrily downloading browser plugins that replace every mention of Trump with Bernie Sanders to sign a petition demanding that Hillary Clinton be made president.
Like their browser plugins, it didn’t work.
The old Soviet joke was that there was no truth in Pravda. But RealNews™ has no sense of humor.
Brian Williams whined, “Fake news played a role in this election and continues to find a wide audience.” That’s true. Williams, who had to go into exile on MSNBC after it was revealed that he didn’t really win WW2 singlehandedly with a wiffle bat, has done well enough that he can lose to reruns of O’Reilly. There’s enough of a market for fake news to keep MSNBC supplied with cronuts for Al Sharpton.
“You know what, you can put out completely false things and, especially the way the Internet works, it’ll go viral and worldwide,” complained Dan Rather. “And the truth has no chance of catching up with it.”
Unfortunately truth did catch up to Dan Rather, thanks to the internet, when his damning document from the Vietnam War about President Bush turned out to have been written in Microsoft Word.
Rather, who still insists that the Microsoft Word document was from 1973, complains about a “post-truth” world. A recent movie in which he’s played by Robert Redford who travels back through time to the 70s with his trusty laptop running Microsoft Word was named “Truth”. RealNews™ outlets praised it, but it barely made back half its budget at the box office. Pravda just doesn’t sell like it used to.
During the 2000 election, Rather vowed that Gore had won Florida. “If we say somebody’s carried the state, you can take that to the bank. Book it!”
And that’s how it happened. RealNews™ spread the myth that Gore had really won and the election was stolen. Just like RealNews™ will spend the next four to eight years claiming the same thing about Hillary.
You can take that to the bank. Book it!
Because RealNews™ is always right. Even when it’s wrong. Take the Washington Post. Please.
In a piece on the dreaded dangers of Fake News, Petula Dvorak claimed that Sarah Palin had caused the Giffords shooting. There is as much evidence of that as there is that the paper is made out of bacon. When Trump warned that illegal voters might have been responsible for Hillary’s popular vote win, the Washington Post’s Fact Check insisted that there was no evidence for Trump’s claim. So Trump’s people cited the Washington Post’s own material. Michelle Yee Hee Lee, who is a joke even in the joke field of fact checks, struck back by blasting Trump for using evidence from “dubious sources”.
Dubious sources. Fake news. Like the Washington Post.
“Stop citing The Post as a source for your disinformation campaign,” she whined.
Even RealNews™ becomes Fake News once it’s cited by Donald Trump or his people.
Meanwhile the Washington Post’s Callum Borchers complained that conservatives are muddying the waters of the “very real problem of fake news” by complaining about all the fake news from real media outlets like the Washington Post. Borchers insisted that Williams’ “tall tale” and Rather’s “flawed” report weren’t really Fake News. And so the RealNews™ media could keep them on board.
In the magical world of RealNews™, real news is fake and therefore real. Unless it’s fake.
Voter fraud is a fake issue made up by Republicans to disenfranchise illegal alien voters. Unless a Republican wins, in which case voter fraud, like a magical fairy wished into life, suddenly becomes real.
Everything in the Washington Post is real. Unless it’s cited by a Republican. Then it becomes fake. It’s hard to say what will happen if a Republican cites the part of the Washington Post calling the other parts of the Washington Post fake. Maybe its K Street offices will be sucked into a Fake News singularity.
It’s easy to see why RealNews™ hates Fake News. Fake news is too real while RealNews™ is really fake.
The RealNews™ world is a wonderful happy place where President-elect Hillary Clinton will move forward on her ambitious agenda to save us from the environment. When Al Gore’s prediction that the North Pole ice would be gone by 2013 came true, all debate about Global Warming should have ended. But Fake News denied science with satellites photos showing the arctic ice cap was bigger than ever.
That’s how Fake News ruins everything.
RealNews™ tells us that Michael Brown, like billions of other black men, was shot for absolutely no reason by a racist cop while his hands were so high up in the air that he could pull down satellites. But then Fake News showed us a video in which the gentle giant was caught assaulting a store manager.
Then when RealNews™ described protests in which police officers are gunned down and stores are looted as “peaceful”, Fake News has to go and ask how a peaceful protest can burn down half a city.
To live in the real world of RealNews™ is to be constantly aware of your privilege under the institutional racism of white supremacy that privileges whiteness by taking a completely unqualified half-white politician from Chicago and making him president for two terms because of his skin color.
Fake News denies that we’re surrounded by racism and an environmental crisis that wiped out all life on the planet in the seventies. Instead it insists on worrying about imaginary problems like the national debt and Islamic terrorism. Not the burning threats of Fake News and offensive Halloween costumes.
RealNews™ knows that Islamic terrorists don’t exist and money grows on a big tree in the Rose Garden. It knows that burning the flag or beating a teenager in a Trump shirt into a coma is part of a “national conversation” about racism that we need to have in between commercial breaks for Global Warming alarmism.
Sadly Fake News disagrees. And that’s why it’s such a threat. Because people listen to Fake News.
And then they learn that an American ambassador was murdered in Benghazi by Islamic terrorists, not by declines in Arctic ice, that Obama, not institutional racism, doubled the national debt, that ObamaCare is dying because of Socialism, not Islamophobia and that Donald J. Trump won the election.
Something must be done about Fake News.
We know that fake news is fake because RealNews™ tells us so. But RealNews™ is under assault by the ugly and unhappy reality of Fake News. While progressives in San Francisco heeded the 93% prediction of a Hillary victory by the RealNews™ media outlets, Fake News viewers believed in a Trump victory. And somehow Fake News was right and RealNews™ was wrong.
Disasters like that might give the citizenry the impression that leftism is just a bunch of lies piled on conspiracy theories that are sandwiched between false appeals to authority and institutional power.
But what if no one was allowed to report Fake News? What if Trump’s victory could be kept as hidden as Chernobyl was from the Russians or Tiananmen Square from the Chinese? Now that would be RealNews™. Join the vanguard of the RealNews™ Revolution. You have nothing to lose but your facts.
All that is necessary for the triumph of RealNews™ is to ban reality. It worked in the USSR. It worked in the EU. It’ll work here. And if it doesn’t, no one will be allowed to find out about it.
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