(How John Kerry won Afghanistan)
In groundbreaking news, Soccer players, a game usually played by toddlers and angry America-hating leftists with purple hair, will be paid equally regardless of which of the 2,089 genders they identify with.
The historic deal will agree to pay members of the men’s and women’s teams the same amount, which is to say about a million dollars per fan.
In an equally historic deal, Americans have agreed to go on ignoring both except during the Olympics when they will appear in commercials about deodorants and toxic masculinity.
Considering the fact that the only Americans who watch soccer are illegal immigrants and hipsters, and the former only watch Latin American teams, while the latter only pretend to watch while they sip craft beers and try not to sink a dart in their own big toe at a fake Williamsburg pub, this means nothing.
After this, maybe men’s and women’s curling can arrange for equal compensation.
This is a truly historic moment. These agreements have changed the game forever here in the United States and have the potential to change the game around the world, U.S. Soccer president Cindy Parlow Cone said in a news release.
Nah, they won’t.
See, in other countries, soccer players are actually stars.
Nobody’s going to redistribute Lionel Messi’ $41 million salary to whoever his female counterpart might be. Much as Steph Curry’s insane salary isn’t going to be matched by whoever his WNBA counterpart might be.
American soccer can be a pointless social justice experiment because nothing in it literally matters. Every single soccer player in America could be eaten by alligators tomorrow and most of the coverage would still focus on Will Smith’s torrid romance with Amber Heard or Chris Rock punching Johnny Depp in the face. Or the entire cryptocurrency market collapsing because imaginary money did not prove to be sustainable just because everyone said, Blockchain a lot.
You can equalize salaries when the people getting paid aren’t doing anything that matters.
This deal is just a completely accurate statement that U.S. Soccer is completely irrelevant. Except to toddlers and social justice warriors.